I didn't begin trying only towards the end of the relationship. I tried from the 3rd month we were together. Essentially, I had been trying, giving my best for the last 19 months.
It's quite unbelievable how I still get haunted by the past. Just when I thought I was ready to move on. Lots of rubbish within me to sort through. Hence, it's very stressful to officially be in a relationship. Mostly from the expectations i have of myself. I do not wish to fail again. And how concerned I am about how others will see my next relationship. I wish they know that I really give my best when I was in the relationships. Outsiders see the pain and anguish the exes go through and think I am heartless for being able to move on quickly. If i werent a good partner when I was with them, would they not be willing to let me go?
Didn't I mention before that a break up is not a failure?. On my better days, I make myself think that. On other days, I try to work things out within myself through writing. That's how I cope I guess. Through running away, healing first, and when I am strong enough, dig up stuff to work through. Better than wallowing and drinking and smoking right? Right?
Where did this come from? A recent catch up with an old friend who has been through my previous 2 relationships told me that I have gotten quite a reputation with being able to move on quickly. Sigh.
I am hence declaring over here that this is just who I am. Whoever I will be with in future, IF IF IF things do not work out, I reckon it will be the same. This is hence a disclaimer the readers of this blog can tell my future partner.
I believe in marriage and the right one and happily ever after. But I don't believe in being miserable or needing to try SO hard to the point that I become a worse person because I cannot control my negative emotions persistently even after trying. I do believe in forever if she is the right one. And I really don't think one can tell if another is the right one early in the relationship.
Stopping now. Maybe warfare. Playing for worship tomorrow. I got better things to do than dwell at this time.
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