Today's service at FCC was unreal.. THe entire service seems to be in tune.. From worshipping during praise and worship, to the heartfelt sermon by Rev Yap, to the reflective moment during communion. The song that K played is still ringing in my head.. Such beautiful communion with the Lord today..
It's your blood that cleanses me
It's your blood that gives me life
It's your blood that took my place
In redeeming sacrifice
Washes me..
Brighter than the snow
than the snow
My Jesus, my precious sacrifice.
.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The Prophet on Prayer
We did this for Ezer yesterday. I was very pleasantly surprised that it was so intimately written.. reading it touches the very core of my soul.
Then a priestess said, Speak to us of Prayer.
And he answered, saying:
You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might pray also in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance.
For what is prayer but the expansion of yourself into the living ether?
And if it is your comfort to pour your darkness into space, it is for your delight to pour forth the dawning of your heart.
And if you cannot but weep when your soul summons you to prayer, she should spur you again and yet again, though weeping, until you shall come laughing.
When you pray you rise to meet in the air those who are praying at that very hour, and whom save in prayer you may not meet.
Therefore let your visit to that temple invisible be for naught but ecstasy and sweet communion.
For if you should enter the temple for no other purpose than asking you shall not receive:
And if you should enter into it to humble yourself you shall not be lifted:
Or even if you should enter into it to beg for the good of others you shall not be heard.
It is enough that you enter the temple invisible.
I cannot teach you how to pray in words.
God listens not to your words save when He Himself utters them through your lips.
And I cannot teach you the prayer of the seas and the forests and the mountains.
But you who are born of the mountains and the forests and the seas can find their prayer in your heart,
And if you but listen in the stillness of the night you shall hear them saying in silence,
"Our God, who art our winged self, it is thy will in us that willeth.
It is thy desire in us that desireth.
It is thy urge in us that would turn our nights, which are thine, into days which are thine also.
We cannot ask thee for aught, for thou knowest our needs before they are born in us:
Thou art our need; and in giving us more of thyself thou givest us all."
from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran
.
Then a priestess said, Speak to us of Prayer.
And he answered, saying:
You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might pray also in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance.
For what is prayer but the expansion of yourself into the living ether?
And if it is your comfort to pour your darkness into space, it is for your delight to pour forth the dawning of your heart.
And if you cannot but weep when your soul summons you to prayer, she should spur you again and yet again, though weeping, until you shall come laughing.
When you pray you rise to meet in the air those who are praying at that very hour, and whom save in prayer you may not meet.
Therefore let your visit to that temple invisible be for naught but ecstasy and sweet communion.
For if you should enter the temple for no other purpose than asking you shall not receive:
And if you should enter into it to humble yourself you shall not be lifted:
Or even if you should enter into it to beg for the good of others you shall not be heard.
It is enough that you enter the temple invisible.
I cannot teach you how to pray in words.
God listens not to your words save when He Himself utters them through your lips.
And I cannot teach you the prayer of the seas and the forests and the mountains.
But you who are born of the mountains and the forests and the seas can find their prayer in your heart,
And if you but listen in the stillness of the night you shall hear them saying in silence,
"Our God, who art our winged self, it is thy will in us that willeth.
It is thy desire in us that desireth.
It is thy urge in us that would turn our nights, which are thine, into days which are thine also.
We cannot ask thee for aught, for thou knowest our needs before they are born in us:
Thou art our need; and in giving us more of thyself thou givest us all."
from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran
.
I can't wait for Tuesday to end..
and then ACES Day will be over. Then I can go to the gym, watch a movie..
It should be pretty fuss free since the kids are independent enough to dance by themselves on the stage. I just need to figure out what to wear right now!
.
It should be pretty fuss free since the kids are independent enough to dance by themselves on the stage. I just need to figure out what to wear right now!
.
Tennis
Hit me a good ball,
I will return nicely.
Hit me a bad ball
the ball misses my sweet spot
if only the ball hits the sweet spot
then we can rally.
.
I will return nicely.
Hit me a bad ball
the ball misses my sweet spot
if only the ball hits the sweet spot
then we can rally.
.
24 hours
Someone asked me how I manage to squeeze so much on my plate; juggle 2 CGs, practise the guitar, taking guitar lessons, exercise, facilitate CG from time to time, update FB status updates, meeting people, spending time with the SH, reading, blogging, teaching, marking, have time alone etc etc etc.. to which my first response was that the SH is busy enough to give me enough time.
I think the honest answer is this. Being on half pay means I could have taken up more tuition assignments so I earn more. But aside from those 3 who came along my way and quite desperately asked me, I refused to accept any more assignments. Simply because I know I appreciate time to do all of the above for this season of my life.
" Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth." - Col 3:2
.
I think the honest answer is this. Being on half pay means I could have taken up more tuition assignments so I earn more. But aside from those 3 who came along my way and quite desperately asked me, I refused to accept any more assignments. Simply because I know I appreciate time to do all of the above for this season of my life.
" Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth." - Col 3:2
.
You are wrong
I am disappointed not because I think lowly of you.
I am disappointed because I thought highly of you.
.
I am disappointed because I thought highly of you.
.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
thought for the night
I am an easy listening ear to many, but sometimes, I wonder if I am wasting my time discussing silly things.
This gal started by asking me if I wanted to play paintball, to which I obviously said no. She calls me a wuss. I told her I would rather be a wuss than to get another bruise from PAINball. She said that her date was pain averse and asked if she should bring her to play Paintball on their date. I told her probably not. She then said her date is afraid of heights but she wants to bring her to bungee jump. Sigh.. you get the idea. I excused myself and practised the songs for worship for tomorrow's CG.
Day by day, things are getting clearer on how I should spend my time and live my life. Let not trivial matters bother me. Let me rise above my circumstances and give thanks always, believing that the God Almighty will empower me for great things. Teach me how to major on the major and minor on the minor! Grant me the wisdom and strength to help others when they are in need, such that they know that it's You who's working in me to bring about positive changes in their lives, so that they know you are indeed God Almighty!
Amen!
.
This gal started by asking me if I wanted to play paintball, to which I obviously said no. She calls me a wuss. I told her I would rather be a wuss than to get another bruise from PAINball. She said that her date was pain averse and asked if she should bring her to play Paintball on their date. I told her probably not. She then said her date is afraid of heights but she wants to bring her to bungee jump. Sigh.. you get the idea. I excused myself and practised the songs for worship for tomorrow's CG.
Day by day, things are getting clearer on how I should spend my time and live my life. Let not trivial matters bother me. Let me rise above my circumstances and give thanks always, believing that the God Almighty will empower me for great things. Teach me how to major on the major and minor on the minor! Grant me the wisdom and strength to help others when they are in need, such that they know that it's You who's working in me to bring about positive changes in their lives, so that they know you are indeed God Almighty!
Amen!
.
Monday, August 23, 2010
and so last week was relaxing and this week will be a lil crazy!
firstly, the kids are having their Prelims so that means we have got to stay back everyday till 6p.m. to mark. That also means we have to mark some more after 6p.m.
Tonight's badminton with the usuals. Tomorrow's badminton with my badminton partner before leading worship for CG and possibly leading prayer too. Wednesday might be tennising with the SH, Thursday I have some alone time and Friday should be catching a show with the SH. In between all of that, i have to set aside time to listen to the songs and practise, practise and practise. Saturday will be Ezering and then rehearsing for Sunday's worship session and Sunday's the worst!
Rehearsal for service, service, lunch, inter-cg gathering, doggie party and then dinner with some peeps! Crazy Sunday! Crazy week!
.
Tonight's badminton with the usuals. Tomorrow's badminton with my badminton partner before leading worship for CG and possibly leading prayer too. Wednesday might be tennising with the SH, Thursday I have some alone time and Friday should be catching a show with the SH. In between all of that, i have to set aside time to listen to the songs and practise, practise and practise. Saturday will be Ezering and then rehearsing for Sunday's worship session and Sunday's the worst!
Rehearsal for service, service, lunch, inter-cg gathering, doggie party and then dinner with some peeps! Crazy Sunday! Crazy week!
.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
and so I finally got my third and last jab..
I love Fridays, when the SH has to work till 7ish as usual and I have time to spare before I meet her. Fridays are the days I would take the jabs for HPV so I have time to rest over the weekend without taking medical leave just in case I suffer a reaction to the jab. I was supposed to take the final jab in mid June but ended up procrastinating (play for worship, important events, fell sick, no time to see the doc, etc etc)
So.. after guitar lessons (where I got to jam with mel for about half an hour because we made our time overlap), I went to the gym with my gym buddy. It has been a long time. It was a good catch up, plus it's very pleasant because he's unusually positive. I think he's someone I can share my heart with.. and I think it's because he is very open about his life. I appreciate that heaps. THen I headed to the clinic and queued up for about half an hour before my turn. Good that I had the papers with me.
my arm felt unusually sore after this jab though. The area around the jab was swollen and hard this morning. Googled "Swollen after HPV" using my Iphone when I was still on my bed. Appears that it's normal. So I am glad. Yay! I am still alive after all the jabs! I am thankful!
.
So.. after guitar lessons (where I got to jam with mel for about half an hour because we made our time overlap), I went to the gym with my gym buddy. It has been a long time. It was a good catch up, plus it's very pleasant because he's unusually positive. I think he's someone I can share my heart with.. and I think it's because he is very open about his life. I appreciate that heaps. THen I headed to the clinic and queued up for about half an hour before my turn. Good that I had the papers with me.
my arm felt unusually sore after this jab though. The area around the jab was swollen and hard this morning. Googled "Swollen after HPV" using my Iphone when I was still on my bed. Appears that it's normal. So I am glad. Yay! I am still alive after all the jabs! I am thankful!
.
badminton
aiya.. forgot to log in to book on Wednesday night, yesterday and today! By now, there is only 1 court available on Thursday. There are courts on Monday and Wednesday though. Hopefully the rest can make it. I wanted to play tomorrow morning! But no courts. Bleah!
.
.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
insightful information from msn.com
and I am impressed.. because I thought they are mostly crap. I think while this article should not be used as a justification for why people cheat, it is good information for everyone so that they know what is important to a woman and how to be a better partner in a relationship.
Heard news about another couple who broke up. Not because anyone cheated. It's just sad.
Here are 10 reasons why women cheat.
1) She wants to change you
It's no secret that some women often attempt to change their man and sometimes they have unusual ways of doing it. One method, says Quilliam, is to have an affair.
"She may feel that you don't take her seriously or that she cannot get through to you. This could possibly lead to her having an affair. She could use it as a way of communicating to you that you need to get your finger out and start doing what she wants."
2) If you're constantly letting her down she'll no longer view you as an equal or someone she respects
When her life has changed
Quilliam says that some women are often driven into another man's arms without their partner doing anything wrong. It's simply a case of, "it's not you, it's me."
"If there has been a dramatic change in her life, she might have an affair," says Quilliam. "Maybe because she feels like her life has come to an end or that she has gone through a highly emotional experience. She might have an affair to compensate the shift in her life to make it mean more."
3) If she's disappointed in you
If your partner feels that you're constantly letting her down or that you're not the man she originally thought you were, she might find someone who she believes is more worthy of her attention, says Quilliam.
"She may have lost all respect for you - maybe because you're not good at your job or that you're a terrible father. If she's doing well and you're not, she won't see you as an equal. She might see you as someone she no longer admires or respects. It's tough, but it's one of the main reasons why women have affairs."
4) Exit strategy
"This is a very interesting one because not only can an affair end a relationship, but it can also be used as a transition into another," says Quilliam.
"She knows that if she has an affair with someone meaningless then you'll just walk away, leaving her single. But she might feel that she needs another relationship to go to before she splits up with you, so she might choose her next prey wisely before she goes in for the kill."
5) Losing that spark in your relationship could lead to her searching for excitement elsewhere
She's bored of the relationship
Quilliam says that she receives a large number of letters from women who want to have an affair because their current relationship has gone sour. She says: "The relationship can be going on for years and, as time goes on, it starts to lose its spark.
"She might have an opportunistic affair, where she'll come across someone that she finds good-looking and exciting - either at work or at a bar - and may decide right there on the spot that she'll have an affair."
6) Ego boost
"For some women, as with some men, their ego needs constant stroking and boosting," says Spurr. "You can rarely give enough if a woman has such high maintenance needs. This is probably much more about her - and her emotional make-up - than you!
"She'll have an affair because she just loves the thrill of the passion and subterfuge. She relishes the way he makes her feel - and knowing she also has you to come home to. Until she sorts herself out, one man may rarely be enough."
7) Jealousy
If you're fortunate enough to be blessed with good genes and, as a result, receive a lot of attention from other women, it's possible that your partner may have an affair to make the point that you're not the only one who can turn heads.
"It isn't a matter of revenge, but rather her making the point that she is attractive too," says Susan. "She is making that point to herself as well as to you."
8) Neglecting her is most likely to cause her to seek attention from someone else
She feels neglected
"Don't underestimate how much feelings of neglect can drive a woman to make a bad choice and seek attention from another man," says Spurr. "Obviously it's always better for her to tell you clearly when she feels neglected but sometimes us women are guilty of believing that men are mind-readers.
"We think that you'll soon realise at some level that you're neglecting us. For some women it then becomes a case of, "fair enough, if you're going to neglect me, I'll have a fling."
9) A lack of sexual satisfaction will make her question your loyalty and your feelings for her
Sexually unsatisfied
Unlike men, who are more likely to have an affair in order to fulfil their sexual needs, women take a more emotional approach by questioning their partner's low sex drive and often taking it personally, says Susan Quilliam, author of the book The New Joy Of Sex (published by Mitchell Beazley).
"Women put much more thought into emotional gratification," says Quilliam. "Whereas men are more likely to have an affair if they're sexually dissatisfied, women will question their partner's loyalty or assume that their man isn't in love with them anymore because they're no longer having sex." This could possibly lead to her seeking comfort in someone else's arms.
10) Revenge
"She might plunge into a 'revenge-fling' as payback if you've had an affair yourself or hurt her badly in some way," says relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (www.drpam.co.uk). "Revenge-flings are almost always impulsive and she'll probably end up regretting it.
"It's the power of those painful feelings you've brought about in her, though, that get in the way of any rational thinking. I never recommend a revenge-fling as a way forward - two wrongs definitely don't make things right in a relationship that's been rocked by your previous affair or hurtful behaviour."
.
Heard news about another couple who broke up. Not because anyone cheated. It's just sad.
Here are 10 reasons why women cheat.
1) She wants to change you
It's no secret that some women often attempt to change their man and sometimes they have unusual ways of doing it. One method, says Quilliam, is to have an affair.
"She may feel that you don't take her seriously or that she cannot get through to you. This could possibly lead to her having an affair. She could use it as a way of communicating to you that you need to get your finger out and start doing what she wants."
2) If you're constantly letting her down she'll no longer view you as an equal or someone she respects
When her life has changed
Quilliam says that some women are often driven into another man's arms without their partner doing anything wrong. It's simply a case of, "it's not you, it's me."
"If there has been a dramatic change in her life, she might have an affair," says Quilliam. "Maybe because she feels like her life has come to an end or that she has gone through a highly emotional experience. She might have an affair to compensate the shift in her life to make it mean more."
3) If she's disappointed in you
If your partner feels that you're constantly letting her down or that you're not the man she originally thought you were, she might find someone who she believes is more worthy of her attention, says Quilliam.
"She may have lost all respect for you - maybe because you're not good at your job or that you're a terrible father. If she's doing well and you're not, she won't see you as an equal. She might see you as someone she no longer admires or respects. It's tough, but it's one of the main reasons why women have affairs."
4) Exit strategy
"This is a very interesting one because not only can an affair end a relationship, but it can also be used as a transition into another," says Quilliam.
"She knows that if she has an affair with someone meaningless then you'll just walk away, leaving her single. But she might feel that she needs another relationship to go to before she splits up with you, so she might choose her next prey wisely before she goes in for the kill."
5) Losing that spark in your relationship could lead to her searching for excitement elsewhere
She's bored of the relationship
Quilliam says that she receives a large number of letters from women who want to have an affair because their current relationship has gone sour. She says: "The relationship can be going on for years and, as time goes on, it starts to lose its spark.
"She might have an opportunistic affair, where she'll come across someone that she finds good-looking and exciting - either at work or at a bar - and may decide right there on the spot that she'll have an affair."
6) Ego boost
"For some women, as with some men, their ego needs constant stroking and boosting," says Spurr. "You can rarely give enough if a woman has such high maintenance needs. This is probably much more about her - and her emotional make-up - than you!
"She'll have an affair because she just loves the thrill of the passion and subterfuge. She relishes the way he makes her feel - and knowing she also has you to come home to. Until she sorts herself out, one man may rarely be enough."
7) Jealousy
If you're fortunate enough to be blessed with good genes and, as a result, receive a lot of attention from other women, it's possible that your partner may have an affair to make the point that you're not the only one who can turn heads.
"It isn't a matter of revenge, but rather her making the point that she is attractive too," says Susan. "She is making that point to herself as well as to you."
8) Neglecting her is most likely to cause her to seek attention from someone else
She feels neglected
"Don't underestimate how much feelings of neglect can drive a woman to make a bad choice and seek attention from another man," says Spurr. "Obviously it's always better for her to tell you clearly when she feels neglected but sometimes us women are guilty of believing that men are mind-readers.
"We think that you'll soon realise at some level that you're neglecting us. For some women it then becomes a case of, "fair enough, if you're going to neglect me, I'll have a fling."
9) A lack of sexual satisfaction will make her question your loyalty and your feelings for her
Sexually unsatisfied
Unlike men, who are more likely to have an affair in order to fulfil their sexual needs, women take a more emotional approach by questioning their partner's low sex drive and often taking it personally, says Susan Quilliam, author of the book The New Joy Of Sex (published by Mitchell Beazley).
"Women put much more thought into emotional gratification," says Quilliam. "Whereas men are more likely to have an affair if they're sexually dissatisfied, women will question their partner's loyalty or assume that their man isn't in love with them anymore because they're no longer having sex." This could possibly lead to her seeking comfort in someone else's arms.
10) Revenge
"She might plunge into a 'revenge-fling' as payback if you've had an affair yourself or hurt her badly in some way," says relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (www.drpam.co.uk). "Revenge-flings are almost always impulsive and she'll probably end up regretting it.
"It's the power of those painful feelings you've brought about in her, though, that get in the way of any rational thinking. I never recommend a revenge-fling as a way forward - two wrongs definitely don't make things right in a relationship that's been rocked by your previous affair or hurtful behaviour."
.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I only want this as much as you do
Don't walk ahead of me
When you turn back
I might have walked away
Walk with me
Constantly, consistently
Until I am rested in your love
.
When you turn back
I might have walked away
Walk with me
Constantly, consistently
Until I am rested in your love
.
Plans for 2010
and so I was very excited about Development Psychology, more excited than any other plans and possibilities that I had been thinking of.. but it seems as if it is only available for MOE teachers and MOE teachers can only take that course on a part-time basis. Bleah. Which means I have to remain in teaching. The intake for next year is in August.
Remaining in the teaching service prolly means I won't be able to go for the Hillsong conference next year. And taking the course on a part-time basis means I won't be able to resign from teaching for 3 years, which means I might not be able to go for the Hillsong Conference for 3 years. But V is right. If I am meant to go, God will make a way, a way that may even mean that I do not need to resign from the service.
Studying while I am employed also reduces the course fees a great deal.. Ah well.. is this the hand I have been dealt for now? Lord, I know you are good and you have the best decisions for me, like what I have shared during CG I need to wait on you and for you to work and not take matters into my own hands.
Gotto wait and see.
.
Remaining in the teaching service prolly means I won't be able to go for the Hillsong conference next year. And taking the course on a part-time basis means I won't be able to resign from teaching for 3 years, which means I might not be able to go for the Hillsong Conference for 3 years. But V is right. If I am meant to go, God will make a way, a way that may even mean that I do not need to resign from the service.
Studying while I am employed also reduces the course fees a great deal.. Ah well.. is this the hand I have been dealt for now? Lord, I know you are good and you have the best decisions for me, like what I have shared during CG I need to wait on you and for you to work and not take matters into my own hands.
Gotto wait and see.
.
so I cut the kids' hair
I felt a little sorry for the gal because she was tearing even before I cut her hair. I ended up cutting just a lil and spoke to her for a while regarding what she was supposed to do.
Both of them are repentant, so I guess cutting their hair works. Not that they had not been warned.. Sometimes, they just need a kick on their butts!
As for me, I cut children's hair for the first time in 10 years! :)
.
Both of them are repentant, so I guess cutting their hair works. Not that they had not been warned.. Sometimes, they just need a kick on their butts!
As for me, I cut children's hair for the first time in 10 years! :)
.
The importance of physical intimacy
A great sharing. Intimacy is so important in a relationship.
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6.
By Stephanie Halmilton
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6.
By Stephanie Halmilton
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
What I learnt from CG
After today's CG, I made up my mind to set aside that pocket of time just doing nothing but remain in the presence of God. Not reading the bible, not even praying. Just thinking about God. Quite excited.
I shared that that time with God has a very intangible benefit. People see me as happy-go-lucky and easygoing person. Some people say bo chap. I think it's the peace I feel in me that translates to how I am as a person. Moreover, that peace gives clarity of mind and wisdom to make good decisions. All praise and glory to God.
The only area that I can't seem to manage is my relationship with the SH. I tend not to be able to handle the relationship in the same way I handle other matters. And it's trying at times. Sigh. I pray that things will get better over time. It has, I guess. Just need to have faith that things will work out fine.
.
I shared that that time with God has a very intangible benefit. People see me as happy-go-lucky and easygoing person. Some people say bo chap. I think it's the peace I feel in me that translates to how I am as a person. Moreover, that peace gives clarity of mind and wisdom to make good decisions. All praise and glory to God.
The only area that I can't seem to manage is my relationship with the SH. I tend not to be able to handle the relationship in the same way I handle other matters. And it's trying at times. Sigh. I pray that things will get better over time. It has, I guess. Just need to have faith that things will work out fine.
.
Pass it on pass it on.
just reached home after CG sending two peeps home. One is along the way, the other out of the way. But she seems very drained and tired. We had a good conversation in the car nevertheless. She was very thankful for the ride home. I told her to pass it on.
God blesses so we can pass on our blessings to someone else that they may see and know His love, grace and mercy through us. There's no other way I can see this.
.
God blesses so we can pass on our blessings to someone else that they may see and know His love, grace and mercy through us. There's no other way I can see this.
.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Memento style
So many things happened this weekend!
For one, I had the debut drumming experience at FCC. I really didn't want to do it but they said it's part of understudying.
I didn't really want to understudying drums since I am still working on my acoustic guitar. I mean, the next instrument I like to perfect would be the bass.
The story goes like this. On Wednesday, I vaguely remembered that there is one week where no drummer is available. I thought having a simple beat is better than having no beat at all, unless they were planning to do it the acoustic style. I checked the worship schedule on Friday, realised it was this weekend where they do not have the drummer. I asked Mel for the songs, asked the worship leader if he needs a drummer and he said YES. I thought I might try to join them at rehearsal to see how it goes. Asked the worship leader and he said it will be good to have a drummer.
So.... I went to FCC on Friday and spent 4 hours practising drumming. Had another hour or so of practice on Saturday. Then.. I saw J. I asked her if she was available. She was, just that she was really drained by the week. I offered her a foot reflexology session (so I don't have to drum) to help her relax. She was bought over after some persuasion. haha.. And I thought I didn't need to play, but.......
.
For one, I had the debut drumming experience at FCC. I really didn't want to do it but they said it's part of understudying.
I didn't really want to understudying drums since I am still working on my acoustic guitar. I mean, the next instrument I like to perfect would be the bass.
The story goes like this. On Wednesday, I vaguely remembered that there is one week where no drummer is available. I thought having a simple beat is better than having no beat at all, unless they were planning to do it the acoustic style. I checked the worship schedule on Friday, realised it was this weekend where they do not have the drummer. I asked Mel for the songs, asked the worship leader if he needs a drummer and he said YES. I thought I might try to join them at rehearsal to see how it goes. Asked the worship leader and he said it will be good to have a drummer.
So.... I went to FCC on Friday and spent 4 hours practising drumming. Had another hour or so of practice on Saturday. Then.. I saw J. I asked her if she was available. She was, just that she was really drained by the week. I offered her a foot reflexology session (so I don't have to drum) to help her relax. She was bought over after some persuasion. haha.. And I thought I didn't need to play, but.......
.
Furthering my studies
I am really excited about studying Developmental Psychology. I am really passionate about doing this. I hope NIE has it on a full time basis. With the intake in August, the timing will be perfect.
This is what I will be studying!
Social and Emotional Development of Children and Adolescents
Child and Adolescent Cognitive Development
Counselling Children and Adolescents
Motivation, Volition and Instruction Individual Differences and Learning
Praying praying praying!
.
This is what I will be studying!
Social and Emotional Development of Children and Adolescents
Child and Adolescent Cognitive Development
Counselling Children and Adolescents
Motivation, Volition and Instruction Individual Differences and Learning
Praying praying praying!
.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I have learnt..
" The most brilliant strategy in the world won't do any good if you can't deliver on it. "
That one liner is from an article from Harvard Business Review. It reminded me about my thoughts about classroom teaching, something that had been on my mind the past 2 months..
I was just thinking.. No matter how much content knowledge one has, how proficient one is in their subject matter, how high one's qualifications are, if the students you are teaching are not receptive to what you want them to learn, you have failed as a teacher. Yes? No?
Being able to inspire the students suddenly becomes more important. You want to inspire them to learn, and that means facilitating becomes more important than teaching. In order to facilitate well, you need to be well-prepared. To compete with creative modes of information technology which permeates every part of their life, you have got to spend more time preparing your lesson.. I am sure this happens in Secondary School too.. Beyond that, students should be probably more self-motivated to learn.
But anywayz, when you get to that level of realisation, teaching starts to become more complex......
Off for badmintion! :)
.
That one liner is from an article from Harvard Business Review. It reminded me about my thoughts about classroom teaching, something that had been on my mind the past 2 months..
I was just thinking.. No matter how much content knowledge one has, how proficient one is in their subject matter, how high one's qualifications are, if the students you are teaching are not receptive to what you want them to learn, you have failed as a teacher. Yes? No?
Being able to inspire the students suddenly becomes more important. You want to inspire them to learn, and that means facilitating becomes more important than teaching. In order to facilitate well, you need to be well-prepared. To compete with creative modes of information technology which permeates every part of their life, you have got to spend more time preparing your lesson.. I am sure this happens in Secondary School too.. Beyond that, students should be probably more self-motivated to learn.
But anywayz, when you get to that level of realisation, teaching starts to become more complex......
Off for badmintion! :)
.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
options next year
I really really want to study. But taking my masters in a year means I have to be in Australia, something I am a little reluctant to do.. unless the SH comes along. If I study masters based on coursework purely, I have to remain as a full time teacher. If I want to take no pay leave to take my masters, I have to do a research degree. Choices choices choices. Still praying. Still waiting for clearer directions.
And I really want to make it for next year's Hillsong Conference.
And I really want to make time to start writing songs.
I am inspired.
.
And I really want to make it for next year's Hillsong Conference.
And I really want to make time to start writing songs.
I am inspired.
.
of kroeonburg Blanc
and that is our favourite beer for now. They serve them in bottles @ TImbre too. We had dinner there after watching Drifting Flowers. Live music, beer, pizza and good conversations. Zy bought us drinks so that's cool.
I had a bottle on Monday too when I went to one of my friend's place for the Aussie group gathering. I bought a pack of 6, left 2 at home for the SH and myself and brought 4 over. Usually, the 2 married women won't drink beer but they liked the Blanc too! It's good.
My ex is getting married in Jan next year. I kinda guessed that she will finally let us know yesterday and she did. She shared with us on how he proposed etc. I am happy for her. I hope she will have a happy marriage. Once she gets married, I will be the only "single" one in the group. Bleah. I don't know if I will feel as comfortable already. Well.. unless I bring the SH along for gatherings and come out to them.. :p Ah well.. will cross the bridge when I reach it.
Oh. The title of this entry is supposed to be just about beer.
the French makes great beer. :D
.
I had a bottle on Monday too when I went to one of my friend's place for the Aussie group gathering. I bought a pack of 6, left 2 at home for the SH and myself and brought 4 over. Usually, the 2 married women won't drink beer but they liked the Blanc too! It's good.
My ex is getting married in Jan next year. I kinda guessed that she will finally let us know yesterday and she did. She shared with us on how he proposed etc. I am happy for her. I hope she will have a happy marriage. Once she gets married, I will be the only "single" one in the group. Bleah. I don't know if I will feel as comfortable already. Well.. unless I bring the SH along for gatherings and come out to them.. :p Ah well.. will cross the bridge when I reach it.
Oh. The title of this entry is supposed to be just about beer.
the French makes great beer. :D
.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I look like a mad woman when I let my hair down
and so I called my aunt and asked if her hairdresser was free this afternoon. She said yes! I am here right now, waiting patiently for nicer hair. I have in the car stacks of marking and was tempted to bring one but decided that I needed a break, I have in front of me chords for the songs for tomorrow. Had meant to study them but decided reading a travel magazine is more relaxing. I feel like sleeping.. Zzzzzz.
.
.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
of tuition and neighbours
and so my 2 students are my neighbours who live 1 storey above me. Their mum baked this lovely cheese and sugar sticks which she offered to me today. How awesome is that. She also makes the healthiest fruit juices. I am so envious thinking about the kind of food their mum cooks for them. The mum told me that she has to prepare at least 5 portions of food for each of them to bring to school because their friends always want a piece of what they have in their lunch boxes.
And so, my colleague asked me to give tuition to one of her ex-students. Primary 4 girl living down the road. English, once a week, an hour and a half each time. $50 an hour. Why not?
Just got back from the second lesson. She's rather easy to teach. And I know how to help her get better grades, thanks to experience. That is a motivation to go and teach.
Conversely, if I have taught the P6 boy almost everything that I know I could teach him, going to give him tuition gets a bit tiresome. I was even bought him a Secondary 1 assessment book for him already. He better get his A* for English. It's up to him now.
.
And so, my colleague asked me to give tuition to one of her ex-students. Primary 4 girl living down the road. English, once a week, an hour and a half each time. $50 an hour. Why not?
Just got back from the second lesson. She's rather easy to teach. And I know how to help her get better grades, thanks to experience. That is a motivation to go and teach.
Conversely, if I have taught the P6 boy almost everything that I know I could teach him, going to give him tuition gets a bit tiresome. I was even bought him a Secondary 1 assessment book for him already. He better get his A* for English. It's up to him now.
.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Weekend - Sunday
I slept from midnight till 9a.m. and dragged myself out of bed to see the doctor. The doctor diagnosis was not very comprehensive. He asked fewer questions than my friend and concluded that he didn't know what the cause of the pain was but that it would get better after medication. Bleah.
Took medication after some food and went back to sleep. It was sucky not being able to go to church this morning. Slept slept and slept. Till I decided I could sleep no more. Woke up, showered and headed to Garden Slug to meet the gals. Seeing them made me happier. It was a good time though I didn't talk much. Sent some of them back before marking another stack in the car at the multi-storey car park. Happy I was!
Doc gave me medical leave for tomorrow, but I reckon I will need to go. Just finish teaching and go back. I have guitar lessons tomorrow. A bit stressed that the songs for Friday are not ready. Oh well! That is life!
.
Took medication after some food and went back to sleep. It was sucky not being able to go to church this morning. Slept slept and slept. Till I decided I could sleep no more. Woke up, showered and headed to Garden Slug to meet the gals. Seeing them made me happier. It was a good time though I didn't talk much. Sent some of them back before marking another stack in the car at the multi-storey car park. Happy I was!
Doc gave me medical leave for tomorrow, but I reckon I will need to go. Just finish teaching and go back. I have guitar lessons tomorrow. A bit stressed that the songs for Friday are not ready. Oh well! That is life!
.
Weekend - Saturday
Got to sleep in so that's good. Woke up to get ready for graduation photo shoot for my sister.
Felt very sick after that. Was marking in the car waiting for the SH to call me back to let me know where to meet. I texted her to tell her that I was feeling sick and told her we would meet later if I was better. I was about to head home when she called back and said she booked us a movie at 3p.m. I spent half an hour marking in the car until it was time to meet her. We watched the show, had porridge dinner at crystal jade and headed home and after I parked, I continued to finish my marking and I was glad I did. I can't believe the most productive moments of marking would be in the car.
So I went back home and felt pain on 2 localised points along my panty line which kept me up as I was napping. Was running a temperature and was a bit worried so called a doctor friend. He was good, asked the right questions, said the right things and I was very comforted after that. Slept from 830 to 1130p.m., woke up, ate some food, took my medication and went back to sleep. What a day!
.
Felt very sick after that. Was marking in the car waiting for the SH to call me back to let me know where to meet. I texted her to tell her that I was feeling sick and told her we would meet later if I was better. I was about to head home when she called back and said she booked us a movie at 3p.m. I spent half an hour marking in the car until it was time to meet her. We watched the show, had porridge dinner at crystal jade and headed home and after I parked, I continued to finish my marking and I was glad I did. I can't believe the most productive moments of marking would be in the car.
So I went back home and felt pain on 2 localised points along my panty line which kept me up as I was napping. Was running a temperature and was a bit worried so called a doctor friend. He was good, asked the right questions, said the right things and I was very comforted after that. Slept from 830 to 1130p.m., woke up, ate some food, took my medication and went back to sleep. What a day!
.
weekend - Friday
Friday night was ladies night @ Hard Rock Cafe. From 1030p.m., a table of 4 ladies can queue up for 6 shots of I don't know what each. RSP, J, the SH and I headed down after a garlic bread dinner @ Esmirada but no one takes no shots, so ladies night didn't concern us.
We saw this 14 year old boy doing a Guns and Roses song on the electric guitar. Makes me think, Amin actually could play like that when he was 13. Too bad he was too passive about playing on stage.
Anywayz, the mud pie @ HRC is fabulous. think huge slab of ice-cream coated with hershey's almond pieces, some toffee like stuff, some coffee like stuff and an oreo like crust at the bottom. I also had the Blanc White again. Half a pint as usual. The SH as usual took a full pint.
I like the live music. I like the dynamics of different instruments coming together. It's great.
I have been pretty down lately. So forgive me for the late of enthusiasm. I will merely be recounting for the next few days.
.
We saw this 14 year old boy doing a Guns and Roses song on the electric guitar. Makes me think, Amin actually could play like that when he was 13. Too bad he was too passive about playing on stage.
Anywayz, the mud pie @ HRC is fabulous. think huge slab of ice-cream coated with hershey's almond pieces, some toffee like stuff, some coffee like stuff and an oreo like crust at the bottom. I also had the Blanc White again. Half a pint as usual. The SH as usual took a full pint.
I like the live music. I like the dynamics of different instruments coming together. It's great.
I have been pretty down lately. So forgive me for the late of enthusiasm. I will merely be recounting for the next few days.
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)