Somewhat irritated

Was catching up with my current buddy last night and just thinking of certain topics thst would just get me riled up. One was the post break up events that had happened. One thing I was irritated about was by how huey's and my break up caused others to be in the picture. It wasn't necessary at all because we are all adults.   If Huey and I were to take our own time to heal and move on, none of the drama would have happened. I thought all of that was unnecessary and not only that, the drama was a bad testimony to how Christians behave. It's all very simple. Huey and I break up, we take time off each other, we move on. Not complicated at all. Yeh. Anywayz, that phase is over. Now u know why I have a phobia getting attached? It's very traumatizing. Not the break up but the post break up stuff. I wish people would mind their own business sometimes. 
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Important to remain attractive or not, that is the question

Saw the portraits of the gay and lesbian married couples at NY. There was this elderly couple who has been together for 22 years. One is 77 and the other in the wheelchair is 85. Though it was extremely heartwarming to see couples like that being together for so many years and still wanting to be married to each other after that, I can't help but notice that most of the lesbians do not look that good. I guess it is one thing to not be blessed with good looks but I guess I wish they would give lesbians a "better name" instead of "women who love women because men are not attracted to them". Sounds judgmental? I don't know. Anyhowz, hurray to NY for recognizing and accepting gay and lesbian marriages.
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Stonewalled

To date, I have gotten 16 albums. Half sold, half given away. The album has been a blessing. I am really touched by the effort put in by the few of the guys to do all they can in that limited time to get it produced. I am touched because I felt no selfish agenda, no pride, no arrogance from the main people who were involved in the production of the album. And my heart always warms whenever I meet people who serves God with no agenda aside from wanting to glorify Him and let Him be known.

My gut feeling regarding people is very strong and usually right. Yet I always believe in believing in the best in someone. Not guilty unless blatantly proven otherwise. Praying I won't let judgement come into the picture ever. It's such a thin line to draw knowing what should be and what can be.. I pray I will never believe in righteous anger, ever. That is a term coined by my ex CGL who kinda used it to judge homosexuality. Pui.

I ordered another 6 albums; for one of the badminton gals, that colleague and 2 for plushies who wanted to buy, 1 for my guitar teacher and 1 spare one. Can't wait to collect them tomorrow. Must bring money. On another note, I owe God no money anymore! Happy. :)
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Another thanksgiving

My colleague texted me on Sunday and told me that he dreamt of Jesus and heard Jesus telling him not to be afraid and that He will empower my colleague to overcome evil. My colleague told me that he wants a copy of Stonewalled and he and his partner will visit FCC one of these days when his partner is freer.

Just 6 months ago, he told me that he believes in all kinds of gods and of angels and that all religons are the same and teach the same things, I can really can see God working in His heart. May he come to know this God who is alive, real and powerful and quite different from all the other gods.

The thing that is puzzling is the part that he says Jesus came to him wearing a Brazilian soccer jersey? And he's not a soccer fan at all. Ah well, not important for now.
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Yet another reminder how blessed I am

Actually, being a teacher has its perks. I don't really really need a car. My school is a 15 minute leisurely walk away from home. I am in PE attire Monday to Friday so walking to and fro feels natural. Moreover, I get to burn some calories walking. Having flexible timing means I can try to skip the peak hours on public transport. I am thankful. Truly, I am.
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Random

I thank God for sustaining me last week through this week. It is really by His grace that I feel okay enough to get to work this week. It has been hard nursing a runny nose and continuous sneezes.

That friend who only messaged me when she needs to ask for something emailed again. She asked about what I was studying and whether she should. The email went like that:

she: what exactly are you studying?
she: shld I?

To that I replied developmental psychology and asked her to go ahead and pray and go with the peace in her heart.

she: prayed already.. No answer...

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.... What else do I say?
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During CG

A random thought came up: in order to be missed when one is gone, that person has to first and foremost be present.

I wonder if it's a coincidence that the facilitator asked that question : how do you want to be remembered?

God works in mysterious ways.
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Glenda Chong

I was at the gym with a friend, a friend who agreed that Glenda looks cute in her facebook profile photo and while working out, we saw her on CNA. But with longer hair. I agree she didn't look as cute. While my friend (who has not seen Glenda prior to her fb pic) bemoaned my bad taste, I whispered to her : She's lesbian too. Then she understood. Aiya. I don't usually find straight women cute unless they are really really cute. I am biased I guess but I don't think I will ever crush on a straight woman/ want anything more than friends with straight women.

Though I believe all straight women have the possibility of being in a lesbian relationship/have sex with another woman, I do think that it could be for that moment/ certain period of time only (like whilst stocks last kinda mentality). So no straight woman for me. I hope :p.
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Thoughts during Sunday service

In order to empower young Christians, don't we need to
have faith in how God works? If we ourselves are not convinced of God's miraculous powers, how do we inspire young Christians to pray and believe?
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I wish

the gals in church will be more hospitable lor, then I don't have to be accused of being overfriendly, leading people on, making use of their feelings for me to bring them to church etc etc etc. You get the idea.

Honestly, now I have a phobia talking to new gals. Last Sunday, there was this girl I met in the lift with another friend, S. She said she was here for the first time and that she found FCC on the website. When the lift door opened, S just went off, so I had to bring the new girl to get to know some other gals. But those some others gals seem to be involved in their conversation so I have to talk to this new girl. Sigh. THen I feel bad leaving her alone. ARGH.
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Adding a non-friend on FB for the first time!

Wow! I added Glenda Chong as a friend on facebook. I hope she accepts. I think she's cute! SHe attends Boston UNiversity, like Cowen. No wonder they look the same. That same style. Maybe I should travel to Boston Uni one day to do some research. hehe.
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Not well

Been sneezing and sniffing since yesterday. Took a pill or two and was still able to get to work thankfully. Needed to get to work to prepare for my lesson observation for tomorrow. Finally done with the day and now chilling at Tawandang Microbrewery waiting for my friends to arrive. Would not have come if not for the reason of celebrating the bday of my longest known friend. I am thankful that I am out to the both of them. It's nice being able to be honest and real.

Nice place. My type of place. Alfresco, high ceilings indoor but cosy. And with beer. Looking forward to food :)
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that's why I like to go to church..

Sigh.. God speaks. That's why.. Just when I was kinda lamenting that people like to talk and don't really listen very well, I realise that I felt that way because I didn't just want to listen, that I wanted to talk too. Ironic eh?

Today's message reminded me that it's really not all about me, that I need to put aside my rights and think for others too. I need to recognise that it's a privilege when people wants to share and talk because God is giving me an opportunity to be used. It's really really not about me. It's really really really not about me.. What a humbling reminder it is.

I repent.
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So hard to find that balance

And so.. I was catching up with a friend I had not met alone for a few months already. I guess I asked the right questions, which got her talking. It's fine with me, but in the midst of her talking ( because she speaks slowly, I had time to think), I wondered if she is like that whenever she is with her crush. If I were a crush, I would feel more special if someone asks relevant questions to engage me. No doubt people who have more to share may seem very interesting, but do interesting people make another feel special? Do you want people to hear your stories, or do you want to know others' stories? Do you want to lift yourself up and put yourself up on a pedestal or do you want the other party to feel really special? I think one of human's basic need is to know that people care about them. I guess that's when the balance comes in. Share your Interesting stories, yes, but take the time to ask questions and engage too.

Maybe I am not her crush that's why. :)
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Random Convo with Sis

my sister is so funnee. THis was our conversation over whatspp.

Sis: I'm inside a church now! First time!

me: Which church? Friend's wedding?

Sis:At Punggol. Triple C church, It's called Christianity cxxxxx church. They gt singing competition and my 2 friends are the judges then I am taking a lift from them later to kovan so I came along with them.

the people there always look at me lo. I feel like I have entered a lion's den.. scary..

it's called central christian church. Always got people find and tok to me. Sianz. Tha's why I 'm trying to keep myself busy appsing so I appear busy.

Me:It's a cult!

Sis: Huh?! Tell me more!!

MeL (googled) -Htto://www.factnet.org/straits.htm.

Sis: I don't dare read it here. Wiat gt pple see me read.


SO farney lah! I always suspected she's attracted to women too, just that she doesn't know. Maybe I should come out to her.
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assuring myself

well, yesterday's conversation was also partly about our exes. The conversation was long. Someone once told me that she doesn't trust my taste in women because she knows my 2 exes. *rolls eyes*. Anywayz, the 2 of them also said yesterday that I don't have good taste but in terms of looks they say. *rolls eyes*.

It takes me a lot to be attracted to someone physically, at least enough for me to see the possibility of something more than a friendship with them. For both my exes, I wasn't attracted to them physically at all when I first met them. But I knew there was something more about them that made me agree to continue to meet up and get to know them better as a potential partner to be. There were/are many others who had liked me/likes me and I do not feel the same way. Also, there was this very nice, kind-hearted and gorgeous lady who was interested in me romantically. I was attracted to her too but somehow, I was hesitant in wanting a relationship with her.. that only goes to conclude that I am not superficial :P and that I am able to see that x-factor in that someone that I want to be in a relationship in. Just that maybe not many people will be able to see what that x-factor is. Hehehe..
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the start of the weekend

it was an exhausting week at work. Having to wait 1 hour for a ride before a late dinner didn't help. Dinner was great though. Conversation was comfortable so I could space out for a bit while the other two talked. Crabs were good but weren't fantastic but no complaints. We walked (very slowly) to East Coast Lagoon Hawker Centre where the King's auntie sells fabulous $1 ice-cream, bought some and walked back to the car park at snail pace again. That's what happens when you walk with older people. Hehe.

I like talking to older people though. THey possess a simple kind of wisdom that can only come with experience and age.

I was so tired I even napped in the car while listening to Stonewalled. I really like FCC"s album. I think it's amazing how God can use FCC to minister to so many. I lent my cd to my colleague who's obviously gay but keeps denying that he is. About a year ago, I even came out to him in hope that he would do the same. Yesterday, he pulled me aside and told me about him and his partner. I told him I knew it all along. Was just waiting for him to be ready to admit that to me.

He's thinking of visiting FCC. I pray that God will use him and the many gifts that He has bestowed upon him once he's ready.
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Our thanksgiving

It is so easy giving updates to people u meet infrequently. There are so many changes to talk about.
 
During cell group, it's different. we share updates about our lives every other week so it's evident if the previous week is just like any other weeks. To me, cg then can be a very good gauge tracking our "growth" in some sense.

 It's not the number of changes or exciting events that's of significance but rather, how we are challenged and how god has worked in our lives recently. We want to recall previous miracles of God only to be reminded of His track record in our lives. We don't want to share stale stories about what God had done for us before or what we had done for Him long ago. We want to share about the ever exciting work our living God has done and are doing for us.
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So easy wan meh?

While I was at badminton one day, a friend who just very recently found out about my break up which happened at the beginning of this year asked another badminton pal and I: since two of you are single, why don't you get together?

I wonder if that's the way things run in the lesbian world. You meet, there's some form of chemistry, both are single and can get along and have no major issues with the way each other looks, then it's alright to get together. 

Because my mindset about getting into a relationship is for it to last, i consider many other factors so I will be able to give my best to this person whom I have chosen to give my heart to. I usually consider our compatibility levels in all aspects; spiritual- there's always something attractive about someone who desires to know and love God more, one who has a sense of purpose to live out their lives as God leads; emotional- the ability to be involved and engaged at about the same level, I think that's the main reason why I prefer women over men, it is the level of emotional involvement, when mutual, causes me to feel closer to that person; mental- doesn't have to be highly intelligent but someone who's able to articulate her thoughts clearly and think about the deeper issues in life, someone who's witty and able to make me laugh and smile... and physical- because I thrive on the endorphins from exercising and feel lethargic when I don't,I prolly won't last very long with someone who doesn't include regular exercise in their lives.

It is not as easy for me as others.
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Supple skin and dressing sexily

Two days ago, my colleague, a senior teacher, was sitting beside me and commented the skin on my legs is very supple unlike hers. She commented how important it is for younger ones to wear whatever they want when they are younger before the skin loses its elasticity. For me, I don't like unnecessary attention on me. Aside from my partner, I don't like others to look at me. That's precisely why I don't really enjoy dressing up unless I really need to. That is just me me and me..
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OMG!!!

I am looking at cars already! This is not possible. Someone bet that I will get a car within 2 months. I can't remember what the bet was though.

But I am blessed really. Since the day I passed the car to my dad, I have only taken the cab twice I think. I have been blessed by friends who offer to drive me to badminton, home from badminton (that ride I really rejected but the driver was persistent). Wow. It is actually quite timely that the owner of the red rocket is away for 3 weeks and told me that I could use her car. It's a weekend car though so I just needed to buy the E-day pass if I use it on a weekday.

THis morning, while driving along the expressway, looking at the different cars on the road, I can't help but draw a parallel to being single. Just like one who is single who has the freedom to look at anyone she likes without being chided, I can freely look at the different cars on the road and take my time to contemplate which car I would get if I am getting one. IF I am getting one. IF I am getting one. IF IF IF.

But I shall be the femme for now. Let others drive me. :p Am talking about cab drivers.

Submitted my assignment online last night. Didn't want to be stressed and rushed tomorrow. Went back to work and printed the assignment out. Now to the pool to read my notes for the exam before a relaxing evening. So far, by the grace of God, I am still on task. I do wish I was studying full-time though.

Ciaoz!
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