To you

You know, I like you so much I do not want to risk what we have right now. What if we don't work out? What if whatever we have right now gets lost? The heart is ready for love but not ready to face the possibility of the non-permanence of things. What we have right now, is just too perfect, too good to be true.
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2012: A year of reconciliation

I shouldn't be blogging at this time because I have more work to do. BUt I feel compelled to.

I decided that 2012 will be a year of reconciliation. With the exes.

Ex no 1: just married. (5 years together)
She was angry with me because the reason why we left each other was because we thought that being together was wrong. After a failed relationship of sorts with a guy from church, I decided that I am definitely attracted to women. So when I got together with my second, the first was very upset with me and we rarely kept in contact after that. I guess she said she felt betrayed.

Now she's happily married with a kid. I should make contact and catch up one on one. (we regularly caught up over group outings so talking about US was a no no).

Ex no 2: Got attached to another gf in the past year (15 months of exclusive dating)

SHe was angry with me because I ran away from her and broke up with her over a text message. THat was the best I could do at that time. Because I knew I still had a lot of feelings for her, and meeting up to do a proper closure would end up with us being together again. It was becoming an unhealthy relationship and I was certain that it would be better if we were not a couple. I was ready to meet up with her after some time. But she didn't want to any more.

Breakthrough: She came back to FCC after she got attached. It was hi and bye for a long time. But I finally said hi during the christmas gathering and asked her one or two questions but I thought she was uncomfortable so I quitted. Last Sunday, while I was packing up my bass, she stood around and we chatted a bit and she even introduced her current gf to be after I asked. So that's good.

The two in between:
I have been very horrible to disregard 2 very special people who had come into my life in between my relationships. I guess I was feeling guilty about not making these encounters last even though it was an understood agreement that we weren't a couple. But they were really special. And I did have feelings for them, not enough to be in love, not enough to want to be a couple, but they are very special and I appreciated time spent with them, and their friendship. But because the encounters didn't end well, the friendship was ruined. Still in contact with one, though the friendship's different now. The other one refused to talk to me. I can understand why.


Ex no. 3:Still single and I think still recovering. ( 22 months of tried couplehood)
She is still upset with me I think because she thought I moved on too quickly. I still felt that there is a potential to be emotional for either of us when we meet up to talk. Still quite raw. So I shall wait till either of us gets attached/are surely and totally healed before trying.

Why do I want to try?

Because I think as exes, we have gone through so much together, and we had great friendships. It would be a pity to give up on all that we have shared just because we didn't work out as a couple. Of course, that's on my side. Wanting to reconcile and work on a friendship. I will just commit all these to the Lord and see how it unfolds.
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achingly beautiful song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVsdGJHVxM4

Made to Love You-Gerald Levert

Cause I was made to love you
My hands to touch you
My arms to hold you
My legs to stand
My time to spend
The new forever
I was made, made to love you
My lips to kiss you
My eyes to see you
My legs to stand
My time to spend with u forever
A life together
I was made, made to love you
Made to love you
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I didn't begin trying only towards the end of the relationship. I tried from the 3rd month we were together. Essentially, I had been trying, giving my best for the last 19 months.

It's quite unbelievable how I still get haunted by the past. Just when I thought I was ready to move on. Lots of rubbish within me to sort through. Hence, it's very stressful to officially be in a relationship. Mostly from the expectations i have of myself. I do not wish to fail again. And how concerned I am about how others will see my next relationship. I wish they know that I really give my best when I was in the relationships. Outsiders see the pain and anguish the exes go through and think I am heartless for being able to move on quickly. If i werent a good partner when I was with them, would they not be willing to let me go?

Didn't I mention before that a break up is not a failure?. On my better days, I make myself think that. On other days, I try to work things out within myself through writing. That's how I cope I guess. Through running away, healing first, and when I am strong enough, dig up stuff to work through. Better than wallowing and drinking and smoking right? Right?

Where did this come from? A recent catch up with an old friend who has been through my previous 2 relationships told me that I have gotten quite a reputation with being able to move on quickly. Sigh.

I am hence declaring over here that this is just who I am. Whoever I will be with in future, IF IF IF things do not work out, I reckon it will be the same. This is hence a disclaimer the readers of this blog can tell my future partner.

I believe in marriage and the right one and happily ever after. But I don't believe in being miserable or needing to try SO hard to the point that I become a worse person because I cannot control my negative emotions persistently even after trying. I do believe in forever if she is the right one. And I really don't think one can tell if another is the right one early in the relationship.

Stopping now. Maybe warfare. Playing for worship tomorrow. I got better things to do than dwell at this time.
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Also from the conversations on FB

When you don't believe in the right one, and you don't believe in happily ever after, it's easy to settle for second best, to take what you feel is good and what is nice without considering if it is for the best. It's easy to live recklessly and take what comes along the way without much consideration. Will you treasure something you didn't pay a high price for? Would you work to keep it alive?

Similarly, when you believe in the right one and you believe in happily ever after, you will hold back and reserve your best for the person you know God has prepared for you.. in the process, you are being prepared for the right one too.

The right one doesn't mean the perfect one. The right one simply means that when it's finally time for you to need to try, that when you lose the desire and the fire you had before, you love enough to want to try your best to keep the love going. And this stage I believe, is best experienced a few years into the relationship, simply because I believe that the honeymoon period must last a few years. That will take the lust factor out of the equation. Bravo if the lust factor will never be lost. ;0
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a sudden realization from her comment on another's post

the reason why I was able to let go was not because I rationalised the decision.

It was because the heart was too tired to try any longer.
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Love languages- thinking beyond

and so, I do think that a person's love language changes over time.

There could be several reasons. Here are the possible ones:

1) One person who's lonely might think that their love language is quality time.

2) A person who's busy may not think that their love language is quality time

3) When one has more than enough love from their primary and secondary source, they might think that their primary and secondary love language has changed.

4) If one's primary love language was gifts, they might think differently once they have enough money to buy gifts for themselves.

Mine has been pretty consistent. They are:

1) Physical Touch
2) Quality Time
3) Gifts
4) Words of affirmation
5) Acts of service

A was reading a love language books for married couples. I told her that I like to borrow after that. She said it's for married couples. I said it was okay. She still thinks that being gay is wrong though she has told me she doesn't judge me. But she had subtlely told me that I could borrow 2 of her books she bought at last week's service where an ex-transgendered man preached about how God had changed him. Haiyah.
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Isaiah 55:9

I had a racist thought. Very terrible. Shall confess over here.

In the past 2 years, I had considered teaching at the MOE international school at Hk. Primary reason was because I have grown to love HK. I was even seeing HK as the new Australia. The secondary reason was that a change in environment could be refreshing.

But as always, I know my plans are not God's plans for me so I dont really plan very much except to keep the thought at the back of my mind. Moreover, I have to be teaching if I want the masters education to be free. With the one year bond upon graduation 2 years later, I thought I had to be around for at least 3 years.

In my recent trip, I finally got a chance to visit BMCF and spoke to Ming. He used to be an MOE teacher  and he mentioned that I can serve my bond while at the MOE international school at Hk. I got excited because that means one year earlier to going if I do go. Upon learning that the travel mate is teaching in Canadian International School, he mentioned that the Canadian International School is located just beside the MOE HK school. In the big big land of HK, it is really an amazing fact isn't it? The travel mate also got excited. Not that we never talked about working at HK before since we both love HK much. Then the plan seemed more real. Like it might actually happen. And the money we will be able to save being able to house together.

Then, today I thought about what I had to wear while working in HK. I honestly give thanks every morning that I am a PE teacher and all it takes is 10 mins to get ready for work. I thought about my dressing over there, wondering if I will be teaching only the core subjects or whether I can go as a PE teacher, but the number of PE teachers a school needs is limited then that was when a racist kinda stereotype came to mind. Many PE teachers are Malays. Keke. They won't want to go to HK right? :p

But again, like I said, I don't know what God's plans are. I guess I will know closer to the time, as always.

And I am also reminded to seriously pray and commit a plan in the area of ministry to God, knowing that He will lead the way if the time is right.
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From QT

So an argument broke out between the herdsmen of Abram and Lot. At that time Canaanites and Perizzites were also living in the land.Then Abram talked it over with Lot. "This arguing between our herdsmen has got to stop," he said. "After all, we are close relatives! I'll tell you what we'll do. Take your choice of any section of the land you want, and we will separate. If you want that area over there, then I'll stay here. If you want to stay in this area, then I'll move on to another place." Genesis 13: 7-9

THe first immediate insight that came after reading this passage was a reminder that especially as leaders, how it is necessary to take charge of conflicts/arguments of the people you are placed in charged of. In times of conflicts, the leader got to rise up, take charge and settle the matter cleanly with the other leader. That's the lesson I take out from this passage. Love it when the bible comes alive.
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a sudden realization

We fit so perfectly, in more ways than 1.
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While eating an unripe banana in Sri Lanka

It's a good thing to wait. Just as unripe bananas taste sour, undried paintings smudges, uncooked eggs raw, so it is when we rush things without knowing God's perfect timing for our lives.

It is the process of waiting that moulding takes place, that one grows to be solid, a sweet and whole masterpiece, refined, prepared to bring Him the highest glory. 

There was this moment when I felt an overwhelming depth of love for Jesus as I watched in amazement how the mist rose from below the mountains till it drifted upwards towards us, towards the sky.
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