An inspired moment in the plane

In the light of eternity, how I feel is inconsequential. I am created for a purpose and if I were to be feel negatively, it would slow down advancement. The only valid time I should feel negative is only when I grow stronger, more resilient and learn a lesson from it. And then move on. 

Always move forward, don't let any human pull me back. Don't waste time. Time is short. Don't waste energy. Energy is precious. Don't waste time giving attention to people who already has enough attention. Don't waste time chasing things that have no eternal value. Don't waste time talking about my problems and struggles unless there is a lesson that people can take away from it. 

Strive to have peace in the midst of turmoil. It's perspective that gives strength, strength to rise above every circumstance. Yet in the midst of moving forward, slow down only to attend to important things. Important things are not people seeking attention, important things are not dealing with drama, getting involved in negative matters, unless i have a part to play to resolve the matter; not determined by my desire and my perception of ability to solve the matter but to know with that snug assurance in my heart, that God has called me to be involved; that i am truly necessary in order for things to move forward.

A good friend supports. A good friend does not demand from me what I cannot give. A good friend understands my ministry. A good friend prays with me. A good friend is reliable. A good friend gives of himself/herself above his/her own needs. A good friend for me is one who is mature enough to understand, strong enough to take care of trivial matters and even stronger so he/she can work alongside with me in the ministry of serving God.

Just do my part. God will do the rest.
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Bedlag

I love how independent and resilient both of us are, yet willing to be vulnerable to be open, bumming around feeling the freedom to make mistakes, yet mature and secure enough to learn from our mistakes to be better people.
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SATC - I likey!

You have to take the tradition and dress it your way" - Sex and the City 2

Just as I was reflecting on the previous entry about making our belief in who God is pivotal in my life. Carrie Bradshaw came up with this profound statement which spoke my heart that very instant. 

The tradition will and should stay so we remain close to who we are, beloved children of God in an intimate relationship with Him. That, perhaps, is a set of non-negotiables that we want to stick to. Then there is another set of negotiables that we are free to swim around, accepting that there are people with different values and different belief system.

I think that's when we get the freedom to live; when we are secure in our identity of who we are and with our values and beliefs in place so we won't get shaken by what may come.
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More about worship

I believe there are certain songs meant for singing in church and there are certain songs meant for our own personal worship with God. I believe that there are certain songs more suited to be led for a small sized church and certain songs that are more appropriate for megachurches.

Wisdom, discernment and vision is needed.
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Reflection from Sri Lanka 2

A strong foundation is so important. 

In the process of trying to be receptive to the way different ones believe; their ideas and beliefs of God and faith and of works, we don't know when we will stray away from our core. I guess  it is not a bad thing for our beliefs to evolve.. there is however, a danger of not going back to the core of what you used to believe in, that core that sets you in place, that belief that precipitated your relationship with God, that original form and depth of intimacy with Him. 

 It's so easy to move further away from God. That's how I determine whether it's healthy to evolve; the level of intimacy I feel with God.
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Blog reflection from Sri Lanka: A worship leader

Worship leader needs to have spiritual authority over the congregation in order to lead them powerfully in the presence of God. 

Where does this empowerment come from? If one's dependence on God is just for the basic necessities or if one calls on God only when in need, the empowerment will be limited.

When one desires to bring glory to God, there will be the empowerment from the Holy Spirit to advance His kingdom.

It is all about being passionate about the things of God. Passion fuels the destiny that the Holy Spirit ignites.

Yet there is another group of people passionate about the things about God to the extent that they become self-righteous. That in another entry. Ciao for now!
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assignment update

I think I am nearly done. If I concentrate for the next 3 hours, I should get the full version of my first draft out. Then I will print 2 copies. One for myself to edit, one for my god sent friend to edit and email another angel who offered to read it for me.

I am blessed.

I don't have to play for service!! Relieves me of so much stress because, I have more time today, I have more time on Christmas eve and more time on Christmas day and I will be able to enjoy service as it is!

I can't wait to do some planning for Sri Lanka. And of course catch up on bible reading for the last 3 days. Alamak. But the 365 day bible really helps to keep me on track. And of course, a fellow companion to read along is darn useful too!
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Song sung e-ve-ry-day.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
1 pencil sharpener

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
2 pairs of cute socks
and a pencil sharpener

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
a set of 3 cute highlighters
2 pairs of cute socks
and a pencil sharpener

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
4 packs of yummy candies
a set of 3 cute highlighters
2 pairs of cute socks
and a pencil sharpener

And I smiled opening the presents.
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I shouldn't be writing

There are two types of writers.

One writes for their audience, their language is often beautifully crafted. The impact of their writing is equivalent to how much it impacts their audience based on the their personal experience/ current predicament.

Another type writes to release their heartfelt thoughts and emotions. There is more soul in this type writing. Readers get drawn to the souls of the writers.
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in the midst of assignment-making

The only thing I detest about assignment-making is the sacrifices I have to make.

Less time to write
Less time to reflect
Less time to meet to chill
Less mental capacity to think
Less capacity in being attentive
Less capacity to translate thoughts and feelings into words

Less time to just be.
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Who will miss me?

Yep. I was thinking about this question today. Who will miss me when I am gone?

I don't really spend a lot of quality time with friends one on one. Quality time in groups are mostly purposeful. Cell group meetings, follow up sessions, bridge sessions, occasional beer and chill sessions, gatherings..

Because most of my connection and attention to people goes to them online, if I were away (for work overseas etc), I won't be missed if I still keep in touch using the same mode. I don't know how I should or whether I should change this. Hmmm.. Food for thought during the Sri Lankan trip! I can't wait but I need to work very hard these next few days!
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Weekend meditation

It is no wonder why people do not feel the need for God in their lives today. Our circumstances especially in our very developed Singapore leaves a small group of people who is as desperate as those people in the olden times. When will rain ever be so necessary for us? When will we be so hungry that we Need to pray for food? When will our lands be wiped dry and we suffer a famine, when will we need supernatural power to make green the wilderness pastures and fill the trees with fruits? When will we need to fight against armies of nations to keep alive. We are so very blessed. We can't take all these for granted. Gone are the petty pleasures once sought. It is time to seek the Lord.

Hosea 6:6-7

"I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings."
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I simply like the way I feel when I am with you

I like your kind of affection
I like your kind of affirmation
I like your kind of encouragment
I like how special you make me feel
even without all the treats and gifts

I like your kind of non-imposing
I like your kind of good manners
I like your kind of EQ
I like how diplomatic you are
even when you are not really paying attention

I like how perceptive you are
I like how intuitive you are
I like how spontaneous you are
I like how you can make me laugh
without even trying hard
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you made your home in me

It started from a doubt
slowly building to a mustard seed faith
exploding into a gush of warmth
out of the heart into the soul
overwhelming the entire being

How beautiful this moment is
that I could be found in your presence
that this presence could comfort me
what would I give for this
to feel that love which envelopes me

That sob, that tear
that burning in the heart
of how just by being you
just by sitting at your feet
that all there was, soothed out gently

That miracle of waiting on you
that intangible power
the imagery of standing secure on my feet
the vision of soaring high
the reality of being lifted high

What a beautiful and glorious moment this is
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Scarred problem-solver

Isn't listening to one repetitive problem better than several different new problems?

That question got me thinking why there was the "roll eyes" moment the moment the question was posed.

Listening attentively is exhausting. Listening empathetically is even more exhausting. Trying to help someone overcome their problem without a change in their situation week after week is energy zapping given that I am a preferred introvert. Then when I realized that they were merely airing their grievances and displeasure but not as keen to take active steps to change their situations, I kinda give up.

I wondered why I had swung to this extreme. Then I remembered what I had put my friends through with the similar situation I was in when I was with my second partner; bringing to them the same problem time and again yet not taking their advice to leave because I had not the strength to step out of the situation. I was not emotionally strong enough then. Perhaps that's why I have swung to this extreme; of trying to just let go, move on and not look back.

And I think the reason why I kept having to justify this- I guess there is still a modicum amount of guilt after from hearing what the latest ex had said about me after the break up.

Sure. There is relief when the past has passed but every past leaves scars.. Praying that I would finally totally move on soon.
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A radical kind of allegiance

Bound to no one but Jesus.
Answerable to no one but Jesus.
Yet, there is..
that constant awareness
that constant reminder
that we are being looked at
that we are representatives,
of the faith we proclaim to be
Perhaps that is what it means;
to be in the world
but not of the world.
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Unhurried

I truly enjoy this moment with God
At this moment, no one else will do
Plugged in
In communion with God
basking in lost moments with Him
Unhurried
There is truly no one like him
no one else I want to be with
at this moment in time.  
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ranting

I am feeling slightly overwhelmed and stressed by my studies. I think I am being very hard on myself. I tell myself that it's okay not to be able to understand everything that's presented to me all at once, that there's still quite a bit of time to study before the exam. And that it's an open book exam. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist and I still do not think so. That's 40% of this course.

Regarding my assignment which is another 40% , I think I am too ambitious in my approach. I am stimulated and excited when that happens. but what my tutor was asking was less than that. He wanted something simple. I ought to be more systematic in my approach and do things one step at a time, one thing at a time rather than think that big and stress myself.

I am doing well for my other 20% which is made up off 4 x 5% quiz at the end of every lesson. I should be fine.

I need to really concentrate on my studies now that I don't have to go to work anymore. I need to try not to log onto sgcarmart too often. It's hard to resist not getting a car and focus on saving for my flat instead. I can't say I don't need a car. Having a car saves me heaps of time. Maybe I really don't need a car. The truth is, I like cars that are different. I like everything that is different. But the price is too costly to pay for the unique most of the time. So I quote ridiculous prices for the cars I like and pray that if it's meant to be, the owners will agree to that price, but it has not happened yet.

Someone asked me to set a price I would pay since there are so many choices and I am ever so random. I told her that beauty and cuteness is priceless. It's a matter of whether I am willing to or not.
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Post-Menstrual Syndrome

I have been experiencing PMSsing feelings. Not the negative sort, but I was rather emotional though my period had just ended. Maybe I am experiencing sympathetic PMS.

My heart breaks for this couple who had broken up. It's painful. And I can feel it. I seldom feel emotional for myself, and less so for others.

My mum told me my god-grandaunt fell in the toilet and had a blood clot in her head. She said the doctor said she's too old to go through the operation. I am not close to her though I vaguely remembered that she insisted on giving us ang pows when we were very young though she was not married. When we were that young, 10 dollars per ang pow is a great amount. I don't remember her being very rich. I felt emotional thinking about her in hospital. I thought a lot about why my mum had told me the news. She didn't seem like she wanted to visit together with me. She said she has visited and usually goes in the afternoon (which means we can't go together since I am working). I told her to pass me the details of her ward etc but she had not passed them to me. I thought, maybe the reason why she told me was not because she wanted me to visit. Maybe she was hoping that I would /could pray for a miracle? I felt sad that my god-grandaunt had to die eventually. I don't wish to go and cry especially when I know I am not so strong emotionally right now.
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The Ex

The ex and I finally spoke beyond the hi and bye. Kudos to her for taking the initiative to sit with another friend and I. It felt fine though I was aware that I was trying not to have too serious conversation. Maybe I equate serious and quiet to melancholic and emotional. Sigh. I have no idea why I am running away from that when it comes to her. Maybe it's phobia.

Anyhooz, it was good that I was having a conversation before she sat down so I could continue to speak with that friend (general topic so she could actually participate if she wanted to). I was thankful that session was over in about 5 minutes. 

As I was reflecting about yesterday, I thought about the song she had posted on fb some time ago (the one I am currently listening to now). To be able to indulge in the love of the father through submission to Him through that song requires a great amount of change within her. To feel that she's changed in that way kinda softens my heart towards her. However, based on experience, it is better to keep a distance before some form of drama comes up in the typical break up get back together kinda drama. I am awfully adament that we are not right for each other but I don't think I am capable nor emotionally strong enough to restore the friendship to that level we had before we got attached. I wonder how others are able to remain friends with their exes. Baffles me still. 

Anyhooz. A new start of a week, a new set of blessings and mercies from the Lord. Ganbette!
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inhumanly selfless?

Everyone needs attention
Are we only wanting attention
Are we only getting attention
How are we attentive to others
How do we value add to the lives of others
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The Plush Retreat

time alone with the Lord
time spent reading the bible
in depth
time talking and sharing
of the passages read and insights gained
time of shared devotions
time of pair praying
time to learn
time of corporate worship
time of fellowshipping
with like-minded peeps
of meeting with the GSMCC folks
time to bond
through food, drinks, music,
massage, and more sharing
honesty in sharing
of struggles both as an individual or as a couple
thankful for a better than expected retreat
thankful for how God has used all our gifts,
consecrated to Him to make the retreat altogether wonderful
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Proverbs 24

"Fret not yourself because of evil doers
And be not envious of the wicked
For the evil man has no future and
the lamp of the wicked will be put out" (like the show (survivor?) heh.
Proverbs 24: 19-20

Vengence belongs to the Lord
All that is needed is to commit all our frustrations and anger to Him
He sees and He will punish our enemies in due time
But remember:

"Do not rejoice when your enemy falls and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles. Lest the Lord sees it and be displeases and turn his anger away from him." vs 17-18
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About anger and forgiveness

Anger and forgiveness were the 2 main things we spoke about during follow up last week. I felt that the sharing was authentic and deep and I was really thankful for that. At the end of it all, we still couldn't really define what it means to forgive except to model Jesus' idea of forgiveness. The bible says that God remembers our sins no more when we confess and repent. So our human wisdom helped us come up with this guideline. How do we know whether we have really forgiven? The first question to ask is this: are you willing to forgive this person? 

In saying yes to that question, we were also aware that though mentally, we might be willing to forgive, it will take some time for God's grace to work through our hearts. But like what they always say; awareness is the first step to change.

Second question to ask is this: do you still remember how they have offended and hurt you AND feel bitter about it? Remembering unpleasant situations shouldn't give a bitter taste but rather a recognition that God has taught us a precious lesson from every experience.

I am always disturbed when I think about the 2 persons i dont want to have anything to do with. Because i felt they shouldnt be ignored, that i should be a good chistian, talk about things, pray, hug and be good friends again. I don't hate them, I am willing to forgive but thinking about them still gives a bitter taste. I am ready to help if they need help but to ask me to hang out with them is very tough. We don't have to be good friends with everyone right?

Remember the verse: God remembers our sins no more WHEN we confess and repent? That came up in conversation too. I asked one of the follow up mates who still struggles with the first question whether it would be easier to forgive if instead of leaving for good, that her perpetrator explains/admits she was wrong/ask for forgiveness. She said yes. I think that's for me too. I just wish they would admit they said what they did, apologised and then I might not feel the way I still do. 

It could happen another way too. Now I am ready to develop a friendship with my second ex. I wrote her an email and mentioned something like that but she didn't respond. Perhaps I just needed to write a longer email to explain why I ran away then and apologise for the pain and distress I had caused her. Whether or not she accepts the apology or feel the need to develop the friendship then is her call. No biggie as long as I have done my part.

That's all for now. Felt like I had written a book on forgiveness.
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Stewardship of time

Never a good sermon than one which reminds me to take a step back, take a step out and reflect. I appreciate Sunday sermons for the reason that God reminds me through either the corporate worship or sermon or the whispers in between to be more deliberate about spending my time purposefully, with Him in mind, directly or indirectly spreading His fragrance around.  

I don't have the luxury of time to hang out regularly (once a week) for a long time with old friends just with the purpose of chilling, and I am kinda sad that some take offence that I enjoy spending time more with new friends, which is not very true because I find every meeting with new friends to be purposeful. There will be and there is a purpose why I meet up with someone or some group. There is always a need somewhere somehow, and God seems to be putting people into my path quite regularly. Ministry stops when I resist meeting up with people whom God places in my path. Yet there are certain people that I don't feel comfortable meeting up with. Praying for wisdom and more wisdom. 

I would love to find like-minded people I am comfortable hanging out with to just hang out once a week. Always nice to belong to a group. Right now, I guess it will just be the cell group girls, not that they are not enough. They are very dear to me but I kinda sense maybe this cg to them is just a weekly cg with the occasional gatherings. Que Sera Sera.
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Random Saturday posting

More than a few people have commented that the way I sound when I blog is very different from who I am face to face. What were some responses? "you are very not serious when you write" "you sound like an ah lian when you write". "I didn't know there's this crazy side of you", "you don't sound very educated from the things you blog about" :)

To all the responses, all I got to say is that I am still human. That's one reason why my blog is locked. Blogging helps me write about how I really feel about certain matters and issues. It is in writing that thr depth of emotions in me is released without feeling like I am troubling my audience to hear me out. Sometimes I share about how I am human and weak too. Though I know I am relatively resilient compared to most people, I get extremely discouraged when I experience setbacks too. Though I look like I may not care about how people look at me, I am very self- conscious. Though I may seem carefree and worry free, I am actually still human and highly sensitive to, hence affected by things around me. Though it may seem that I am extravagent and not concerned about saving money, I have made both short term and long term plans in my finances. Though I seem frivolous, fickle-minded and change my mind in the split of a second, there is deep in me, a need for stability, consistency and security. Though I may appear that I don't need someone special in life, I am a sucker for love and a hopeless romantic.

I think I am more of who I am when blogging than in real life and I think only people I feel very close to will see that childlike/childish (both different but co-existing) part of me. 

I am in a nutshell, random and a bit crazy which makes the emotional part of me evident. :)) random posting on a Saturday evening. God made me who I am and I am thankful I am able to show all sides of me to certain people in my life. :)
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From Proverbs 18:11-12

My QT for this morning comes from Proverbs 18: 11-13. "before destruction, a man's heart is haughty, but humility comes before honour. If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame"

I guess this passage spoke to me because I find myself sometimes predicting what people have to say and interrupting them mid-sharing. It's a very bad habit and I am aware of that. Praying that God helps rid my arrogance and impatience that cause that to happen. Pray alongside with me. 

At times like this, I am thankful for God's promise (something we memorized during follow up): 1 John 1:9- if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. I thank God that everytime I fall, I am given a chance to repent and change and most importantly, He still loves me. :))
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Servanthood

And so.. I was down for bass playing last week. The guitarist for that week messaged the worship leader and cc-ed me that he's very sick and might not be able to play for both the rehearsal and the service and that I could take his place. My first response was: Argh!! I can't! I told them that I believe in giving my best when I serve so I didn't want to play without practice. Moreover, my acoustic guitar was at church so I couldn't even practise on Friday night. 

Then I was reminded of the last weekend when the cg visited gsmcc. There was only one guitarist who was also the worship leader. When he asked a guy if he could play the keys for the next few songs, he readily stepped forward and said that he would try his best. Though he wasn't very good, it was his willingness to step forward that touched my heart. So I decided to play the acoustic because they needed an acoustic guitarist more than a bassist. I guess it wasn't a coincidence that I experienced what happened at gsmcc.

Lesson learnt: I am playing not to let others hear how I sound like. I am playing because God can use the little I have to give and multiply it.
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No more Tshirt and shorts?

And so.. The new P kinda took over the school when she took charge of the meeting today. She has rather high eq I must say. I marvel at how she says things gently yet gives the message clearly and directly. First, she gave the reason for the change: the school will be undergoing PRIME( building undergo revamp and improvement) and we want to improve the school's professional image, so she suggested that we take some time to do some shopping these holidays and get proper office attire. She said no ordinary pants and no sandals. She said there will be examples of what it means to dress professionally. I think this applies to PE teachers too. Sometimes I do feel a bit sloppy in t shirt and shorts. I don't mind wearing tennis/netball skirts but please do not ask me to wear track pants. I would absolutely suffocate. Absolutely and surely. I think gone are the days where I can take just 10 mins to get ready for work. Actually, I don't mind looking smarter too. It's easier to be lazy though. :)
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weaknesses in abundance

while helping a friend know herself better, I kinda guessed her MBTI personality type and asked her to read about it. To check if I was correct, I read too. Hiak hiak. Sounds like her. Then I decided to read about myself too. It was quite pleasant to read the strengths of an ISFJ.. then I came to the part: Potential problems. In helping a friend, I helped myself too. What is written is quite true. Looking forward to take some time this holidays to pray them out of my life and grow to be better.

ISFJs
ISFJs are the homemakers, carers and facilitators of the world. Their strong sense of duty, hard-working tendencies and ability to respond quickly to what is suitable to a particular situation are great assets. With a dominant function that quickly grasps the qualities inherent within the external world, and a secondary function that weighs such perceptions against their value within this world, the ISFJ has a great talent for discovering the aesthetic and essential qualities compatible with and relevant to a particular real world situation. This means that, not only within the world of objects, but also in their relationships with people, ISFJs are gifted with the ability to recognize and understand the comfort and surroundings suitable to a secure and pleasing existence. And they can do this with a decisiveness which might make others wonder if the ISFJ was not in fact getting their answers from some form of intuitive understanding rather than what is really a vast library of carefully related memory images and value judgments. An ISFJ will always feel best when their world a place of quality and reassurance, both for themselves and others. Success for an ISFJ means being able to fulfil a role providing value for others and ordering their world in a way in which safety and security is balanced against a genuine respect for the aesthetic and positive qualities of life.

Allowing Your ISFJ Strengths to Flourish

As an ISFJ, you have gifts that are specific to your personality type that aren't natural strengths for other types. By recognizing your special gifts and encouraging their growth and development, you will more readily see your place in the world, and how you can better use your talents to achieve your dreams.

Nearly all ISFJs will recognize the following characteristics in themselves. They should embrace and nourish these strengths:

· You are adept at seeing the right balance, the best way to make the world look and feel good. This talent enables you to make your world reflect your inner self and become a place of security and growth in which others can feel at ease too.

· You have a gift for knowing what will make another person feel better about the world and themselves. Your valuable input to their world comes back to you in ways which aid your own personal development.

· You see clearly what is right and wrong, what grates on yourself and others, what works for harmony and what does not. Your clear recognition of these things gains you the confidence and respect of others.

· You have a great memory for things, places and events, their curious details and the relationships between them. More than this, you also remember what was both good and bad about these things. These skills show in your ability to give no nonsense advice and aid to others

· Within yourself you know, even if others do not realise it, that for as long as they are trying to do their best, you will hold the line with them to the very end. You see this as simply doing the right thing, but in fact it is a special virtue and makes you one of the most worthy of partners and friends when the chips are down.

· You work hard to get the job done, and you can be counted on the stay with it till it is finished.

ISFJs who have a strongly expressed Extraverted Feeling function will find they also enjoy these very special gifts:

· Work is never a chore to you, but a gift you offer to the world.

· In your relationships you are able to clearly show others how you feel about them.

· Others will always feel at ease in your home and presence.

· Your efforts always seem to be appreciated by those around you.

· You will try to find pleasing ways to settle differences and to find the most satisfying solutions to both your own and others difficulties.

· More often than not, you will know exactly the right thing to do, say, buy or create to make things better or move things toward a valid human solution to a problem

· You will clearly see the conditions underlying a situation and their effects on the persons within it, enabling you to see ways of changing things for the better. In this sense, you may be a powerful agent for social justice.



Potential Problem Areas

With any gift of strength, there is an associated weakness. The strong expression of any function can overshadow others, whilst at the same time its own associated and unexpressed inferior function can mine the unconscious mind and throw up annoying resistances and unsettling emotions. We value our strengths, but we often curse and - even more limiting to our potential development - ignore our weaknesses. To grow as a person and get what we want out of life, we must not only capitalize upon our strengths, but also face our weaknesses and deal with them. That means taking a hard look at our personality type's potential problem areas.

ISFJs are kind, steady and responsible beings with many special gifts. I would like for the ISFJ to keep in mind some of the many positive things associated with being an ISFJ as they read some of this more negative material. Also remember that the weaknesses associated with being an ISFJ are natural to your type. Although it may be depressing to read about your type's weaknesses, please remember that we offer this information to enact positive change. We want people to grow into their own potential, and to live happy and successful lives.

Many of the weaker characteristics that are found in ISFJs are due to their dominant and Introverted Sensing function overshadowing the rest of their personality. This generally results in two notable effects: their Extraverted Feeling function is unable to balance their sharply rendered inner perceptions with a sense of human value, whilst at the same time these very perceptions often hint at strange associations and consequences which seem always to hover darkly in the background of the world

In such cases, an ISFJ may show some or all of the following weaknesses in varying degrees:

May find difficulty expressing their feelings without fear or anger.
May be unable to correctly judge what really is for the best
May wrongly suspect others of having hidden motives or agendas
May be unable to shrug off feelings impending disaster
May be unable to acknowledge or hear anything that goes against their certainty about the “correct” or “right” way to do things
May have a tendency to blame particular persons for disturbing or upsetting “their world” by simply being who they are
May come across to others as cold and insensitive to anything but another’s ability to fit in with and support their own judgements
May be unnecessarily harsh or strict about appropriate social behaviour
May be oblivious to what others think about them
May come across as rigid, inflexible or even cold and uncaring to others, without being aware of it
May be unable to understand verbal logic, and quickly cut off other’s explanations
May value their own certainties about the world and its problems far above others
May be quite falsely certain of their influence upon, and understanding of others
May be extremely vulnerable to tricks, con men, false hopes, religious cults and conspiracy theories
May react with anger or distress when someone expresses disagreement with their view of the world, or disapproval of their judgements
May favour their judgements to the degree that they are unable to notice the pain or difficulty such judgements might cause others
Under great stress, are likely to make outrageously harsh and uncaringly selfish survival oriented decisions
Explanation of Problems

Nearly all of the problematic characteristics described above can be attributed in various degrees to the ISFJs internally mapped and abstract view of the world not being successfully coupled to an appropriate level of Extroverted feeling. Without this rational external balance, the ISFJs opposing unconscious functions can wreak havoc upon the order and sense of the ISFJs perceptions and ideas. ISFJs are usually stable, certain, reliable and deft in their approach to life. But if unbalanced, they are likely to treat any point of view other than their own with a kind of cold dismay, and if pressed hard will tend to shut out the existence of problems caused by others differing attitudes and opinions. If the ISFJ does not learn how to deal with the wide range of differing world views they come into contact with, they can find themselves closed into a lonely little corner of the world in which only their own feelings of safety and certainty are maintained. This is a natural survival technique for the extreme ISFJ personality.

The main driver to the ISFJ personality is Introverted Sensing, whose function is to define the properties of and locate and recognise the sometimes abstract and innate qualities of and between the objects of the outer world. If an ISFJs picture of the world is threatened by external influences, the ISFJ generally tries to shut such new information out of their lives. This is totally natural, and works well to protect the individual psyche from getting hurt. However, the ISFJ who exercises this type of self-protection regularly will become closed within a small and ever decreasing circle of those family and friends who do not actively disturb their increasingly narrow and rigid world view. They will always find justification for their own inappropriate behaviours, and will always find fault with the outside world for problems that they have in their lives. It will be difficult for them to maintain close personal relationships because they will have a negatively polarised and therefore limited ability to communicate outside of the box of their own security needs.

It is not an uncommon tendency for the ISFJ to support their ideas and values by using only the value judgements they make about the world and other peoples behaviour. However, if this tendency is given free reign, the resulting ISFJ personality is too self-centred to be happy or successful. Since the ISFJ's dominant function is Introverted Sensing, they must balance this with an auxiliary Extraverted Feeling function. If the ISFJ uses Extraverted Feeling only to serve the purposes of Introverted Sensing, then the ISFJ is not using Extraversion effectively at all. As a result, the ISFJ does not sufficiently recognise and sympathise with the way feelings effect the behaviour of others in the world to have a good sense of why things happen as they do. They see nothing but their own perspective, and deal with the world only so far as they need to in order to support their perspective. These individuals usually come across as somewhat judgemental and full of fixed and often rather ambiguously polarised ideas about the world. Other people are often surprised by the vehemence of their ideas and are usually unable to understand how they came by them.

Solutions

To grow as an individual, the ISFJ needs to focus on opening their perspective to include a more accurate picture of the feelings and value judgements of others. In order to be in a position in which the ISFJ is able to perceive and consider data that is foreign to their internal value system, the ISFJ needs to recognise that their world view is not threatened by the new information. The ISFJ must consciously tell himself/herself that emotional affects in others are not unrelated to reality; that the feelings of others are also just and valid within a wider and less rigorous vision of the world.

The ISFJ who is concerned with personal growth will pay close attention to their motivation for deciding what is good and bad, right and wrong. Do they try to find the feeling values of others in a situation? Or, do they value only those feelings which support a personal idea or cause? At the moment when something is felt, is the ISFJ only concerned with whether that feeling supports something they recognise as correct? Or is she/he concerned with becoming truly empathetic? To achieve a better understanding of others and the world in which they live, the ISFJ should try to put themselves into the minds of others, to locate and recognise how they have come to feel the way they do, before making judgements. They should consciously be aware of their tendency to discard anything that doesn't agree with their carefully ordered concepts, and work towards lessening this tendency. They should try to feel the way others would feel in situations, without making personal judgments about the actual situations. In general, they should work on exercising their Feeling in a truly extraverted sense. In other words, they should use Feeling to locate the their true connections to and relationship with others for the sake of gaining a wider perspective, rather than only allowing such feeling values to support their own conclusions. The ISFJ who successfully feels things objectively may be quite a powerful force for positive change.

Living Happily in our World as an ISFJ

Some ISFJs have difficulty fitting into our society. Their problems are often a result of an inability to flow with what is, a too negative or correcting attitude which dismays others, or unrealistic ideals and ideas about the world. These issues mostly stem from using Extraverted Feeling in a diminished manner: the lack of a strong externally focused value system allowing an often ambiguous and yet strongly defended world view which has little relation to concrete reality to control the personality. An ISFJ who attempts to feel and value the feelings of others for the sake of understanding the world around them, rather than quickly deciding how they and they alone feel, will have a clearer, more objective understanding of how society is dependant not only upon structure and correct behaviour, but also how human values make it just what it is and not something else perhaps more desirable. He or she will also be more comfortable and less likely to demand that the world and the behaviour of others conform to some abstract code of being. Such well-adjusted ISFJs will fit happily into our society. Unless you really understand Psychological Type and the nuances of the various personality functions, it's a difficult task to suddenly start to use Feeling in an unambiguous and totally extraverted direction. It's difficult to even understand what that means, much less to incorporate that directive into your life. With that in mind, I am providing some specific suggestions that may help you to begin exercising your Extraverted Feeling more fully:

Take care to try and discover why others feel the way they do. Try to notice the connections between their feelings and the way they see the world. Don’t immediately compare your own value judgements about the world to theirs; simply accept that for them this is a real and perfectly valid way of responding.
Think of those times and situations in your life when you felt misunderstood or disregarded by others. Now try to understand how one or two other people would see the situation. Don't try to assume they would judge as you do: "she would have to feel the same way if that happened to her", or "he would change his tune if he saw things from my point of view". Rather, try to understand how they would truly see the situation. Would it be seen as a problem, or as an opportunity? Would it be taken seriously or lightly? Try to determine their point of view without passing judgment or comparing it to your own.
When having a conversation with a friend or relative, dedicate at least half of your time to finding out how the other person feels about what they are describing. Concentrate on really sensing their emotional state. Tell them how you feel and compare. Ask questions about why they feel as they do.
Think of the people who are closest to you. As you think of each person, tell yourself "this person has their own life going on, and they are more concerned with their own life than they are with mine." Remember that this doesn't mean that they don't care about you. It's the natural order of things. Try to visualize what that person is feeling right now. What emotions are they enacting, what thoughts are they having? Don't pass judgment, or compare their situation to your own.
Try to identify the personality type of everyone that you come into contact with for any length of time.
Ten Rules to Live By to Achieve ISFJ Success

1. Feed Your Strengths! Let your talent for recognising harmony and balance spill out into the world around you, show your gifts to the world. Allow yourself to take opportunities to design, reorganise and rebalance things to make your home and work environments better for yourself and others. Find work or a hobby which allows you to realise these strengths.

2. Face Your Weaknesses! Realize and accept that some things are never going to be how you would like them to be. Understand that other peoples feelings are sometimes more important than whether they are right or wrong. Facing and dealing with discord or differences in others doesn't mean that you have to change who you are; it means that you are giving yourself opportunities to grow. By facing your weaknesses, you honour your true self and that of others.

3. Discover the World of Others. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking you always know what is right for others. Open your heart to the possibility of understanding that their true needs are something that must be discovered through relationship, and recognition that their world might be very different, yet just as valid as your own.

4. Don’t be too hasty. Try to let things settle before you make a judgement, allowing others to discover the best for themselves while you feel your way into their way of seeing things.

5. Look Carefully at the World. Remember, things are not always what they seem on the surface. You might need to look deeper to discover the truth, particularly when it seems you are sure of your first quick judgement. There are layers of meaning and truth beneath everything.

6. Try to Let Others Take Some of the Load. By letting others help, you are not letting things get out of control, but are validating their own need to be a part of your life. Remember, it is better to guide another to see your point of view than keeping them out of the picture.

7. Be Accountable to Others. Remember that they need to understand you and your needs too. Express your feelings and reasons and let them become partners to your goals.

8. Don’t Hem Yourself in. Staying in your comfort zone is self defeating in the end. Try to make every day one where you get out and discover a little something different about the world and others. This will broaden your horizons and bring new ideas and opportunities into focus.

9. Assume the Best and Seek for it. Don't wait for others to live up to your expectations. Every person has a goldmine of worth in them, just as every situation can be turned to some good. If you let yourself believe this, you will find yourself discovering ways to make it true for you.

10. When in Doubt, Ask For Help! Don't let your sense of self sufficiency leave you on the horns of a dilemma or lead you into disaster. If you are uncertain of something or someone then get input from others you trust.
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Punctuality

Punctuality is a virtue. I thought about this in the toilet at church today during worship practice as I thought of Kenny always being punctual and on time. 

Then I thought: wait a minute! Punctuality is not a virtue! It is a basic requirement of everyone to be punctual., isn't it? One of my leaders in church shared this before; that when we are late for our appointments, we are telling the person we are meeting that our time is more important than ours, that we are, crudely speaking, disrespecting them.

In the last few years, I am more aware of this when my P reinforced that during meetings. Teachers are fond of strolling in a minute or 2 for one reason or another. She would also tell us the same thing, that it's a form of respect to the one chairing the meeting when we are there 5 minutes before the meeting starts.

Same goes for punctuality when attending service. We don't want to be late when we are meeting God, right? 
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Buzz buzzed buzzing like a bumblebee

And I look like one too; black and yellow shoes, black bag, yellow watch...

It has been crazy busy 2 days. Not by choice though. Exams were later this year yet the primary 4 teachers had to issue the report books by today. It has been meeting after meetings in between free periods, after work.. Administrative matters are aplenty. I think things have kinda settled by now. All I need to do today is to speak with 3 parents and do the budgeting for netball CCA. Phew! What a day. Need to induce some endorphines for now. Laterz.

Oh. Got dealt the news that I am teaching the last P6 standard stream class next year. Graduating class, full class of 40, only 10 months with them before PSLE, with 33 of them failing English (marks ranging from 20s to 40s out of a possible 100). Their math teacher, a very experienced and effective teacher, only taking half the class - the other half taking foundation math) shared with me that even he found them playful, noisy and difficult to teach (and he's only taking half of them). He also shared that at least 30 out of 40 of them have some problems. They either have learning disabilities, behavioural problems or family problems. You get the idea? The management team did not tell me their expectations of me, but from experience, I am supposed to help all of them clear their English. Phew! Need to meditate now. By God's grace and supernatural strength and power, I can do it! (just a matter of what state I will be at the end of next year) *breathes deeply*
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...

when you delete someone from your facebook list of friends without giving any reason, things are never the same again.
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To a certain someone

to be able to laugh at yourself, have people laugh at you and not get offended by that, requires a great deal of humility. I admire you for that because I know you accept all of that graciously, not because you are a doormat, but because you are strong and secure enough to do so.
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Also from the same chapter...

reminds me that our actions lead to consequences. 

People sometimes blame God for the bad things that happen, and I guess sometimes rightly so since God is the only one who can control those situations (natural disasters, deaths, etc). But chapt 5 of proverbs reminds me that God is the one who gives guidance, God's word, the bible, gives instructions. If we do not follow what our creator says, who should be answerable when bad things happen? I am not saying that bad things won't happen when we follow everything God says. Who can control the thoughts and actions of someone who murders another? Who can control what people eat and put into their bodies that gives rise to illnesses? Well, God can, if He wants to. But this wouldn't be a real world if God controls everything others do. 

The perfect world only exists in heaven, where there's no pain, no hurt, no negatives. Keep our eyes fixed on that. 
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Retreat Day 1

"Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel..." proverbs 5:7-9.

My reflection from this is not directly linked to this passage but they are thoughts sparked off from this passage. 

For me, it is applicable because I usually give 100% in my relationships and when they don't work out, I feel that a part of me is gone because I had given so much. But for me, i guess they are nice people and both parties did grow and benefit from the relationship (not evil like the one in the bible passage). But truth is, I do feel exhausted and am not sure if I had waited and chosen wisely that the time I could use when I was in the relationship could be used better for God's purposes. So it's a good reminder to really not just settle and make do lest "the best years of our lives are given to something/someone" that has no eternal value.
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Qcafe

Qcafe is closed! Sad. Places like these don't stay for long. I was trying to help in my little way to keep it alive when they first opened by making that a meet up spot as far as possible. Ah well. Waiting for the next one to open up. 
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Devotion

Devotion to me basically means surrendering (trying to) and looking to Jesus (as far as possible). It also means to do or say what I think or feel He tells me to. To me, a major application to being like Jesus is to be committed to loving people in all sense of the word. :)   
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Coming out

I was a bit sad when I bumped into my colleague at the train station. I was thinking: darn! There goes my alone time! We had a good chat though. She's definitely gay from the way she looks. She was indirectly trying to find out if I have a boyfriend. I don't think it's time to share anything too personal with her yet though. Was tempted to share though. I realized it's much easier to come out to people once I have come out to myself and accepted myself for who I am. :)  
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accountability group

has been great. Am deeply encouraged by the two of them sharing their prayers and devotionals. We have been using group chat on whatsapp to update one another on one another's days and nights.. I was led to suggest a prayer and worship session with them but it seems like it will happen next week as our schedules do not work out this week.

Excited about the cell group retreat this weekend. It will be a great time. :) Counting down: 3 days!
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blessed but..

been really blessed. Blessed that I don't have a car. Blessed that I learnt to use the CPF to invest now that the market is relatively low (though it went even lower!!). I thank God for His good timing. If I had known the use of the market when I was more active on it, I would have lost my housing fund.

Blessed to have my colleague and his partner start singing in the choir. Blessed to have them join the gals for lunch at ECP after church (he claims they are girls too). Blessed to know that he was thankful for A and I for praying for his legs so that he can walk now. (the doctor had said he won't be able to walk for life). thankful he saw the miracle of God work through his life.

I am really counting down to owning my own flat. :) It's exciting. :) 16 months more :)

Heart's heavy for a dear friend who's in a bad place right now though. Will keep praying for her.
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Honestly...

It's a hard life. My Friday nights are mostly spent either practising on the bass or doing my assignment. I guess I chose to walk through the open doors. In more ways than one, I pray that the rest of the journey won't be as hard as now. But well, at least my experiences will help someone along the way in time to come. Back to work. Exhausted but not beaten. Well, not totally.
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My 1st test drive

Test drove cars for the first time in my life. I really like the Peugeot 107. It's small, cute, red with white stripes running down the middle of the bonnet and it's cute little butt. 

My very experienced ex-carsaleswoman friend was there to test drive it with me. Though it was a 3 year old car, the milege was 85000km. She suggested against it. And I was sad. Afterall, it's small, cute and affordable. I walked past a cream coloured Nissan march ( the sort which looks like a beetle) nice too but a bit more expensive. It's still affordable but I reluctantly walked away. It's a good decision. Sometimes being at the place of temptations, you can't really think straight. I shouldn't need to buy a car. I could I guess but my priority is saving for my flat at this point in time. Ganbette! :)
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no brainer rambling

I am tired of marking compositions. We were down by 3 markers on our table. 2 were on medical leave and another had a family affair to attend to in the middle of the day. from 8 markers to 6, then to 5. It has been truly exhausting, not to mention I have to continue with my assignment and bass practice after a full day of marking. Grrrrr.. can't wait for the month to be over.

I saw a cute car yesterday. Might just test drive it tomorrow because my pro and experienced ex carsalesperson friend is going to test drive another car too. Now that I want to go to the library tomorrow so I can be more focused, I might just test drive the car another day. I am glad that I see my assignment as more important than shopping for a car. Grrrrr. We might end early tomorrow. So depends on that too.

that's all for now. Ciaoz.
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side note about family

and so the first female cousin on my dad's side is finally getting married this Saturday. At one point in time, I even felt a bit sorry for my relatives because all the gals ain't getting married. :)

There is hope. And I know my brother is straight. I lent him my spare iphone and when I took it back, I saw that he surfed soft porn on it!?!!?

It's cute I am able to bring this topic up with my brother. He's cool. I am sure he finds me cool too. Hehe.

I can't wait to take my family for a trip next year. Must save a bit harder.
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Thank goodness the library is not my best friend

am thankful that I don't love the library so much that I spend too much time here.

I am kinda forced to be here because
1) this library provides the resources that I need for my assignment.
2) Being in the library helps me to be more focused on completing my assignment.

However, I get distracted reading more broadly than I should. I saw a book that I thought I could use for my research. However, while browsing through it, I realised it's a very good book for those in the management, especially my principal. I had wanted to borrow it for her but looking at the other books I had to borrow for my assignment, I could only take a photo of the book so I can maybe buy it as a farewell gift for her.

Anywayz, I started to read the book more in detail and I got more excited about it.

Anywayz, this is the summary of the book.

Title: 10 Traits of Highly Effective Schools
Author: Elaine K. McEwan

Trait 1: Strong Instructional Leadership
Trait 2: Research Based Instruction
Trait 3: Focus
Trait 4: Relational Trust
Trait 5: Collaboration
Trait 6: High Expectations
Trait 7: Opportunities to Learn
Trait 8: Alignment
Trait 9: Results
Trait 10: Accountability

Checking out of the library soon for dinner. Can't wait to chill a lil. Better get some work done before that. Poof!
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hugs and more

The kids are getting used to the hugs. Fewer kids hi-fived me. One boy hugged me thrice yesterday. So sweet. I was standing outside the class waiting for a student to come to me when a few others came out of the classroom to be hugged. After school today, I was seated with another student and a few of them hung around. When I asked them why they were hanging around, they said they wanted a hug. So it was a nice group hug for all of us.

I punished 5 students by making them stand outside the class for not doing their homework. One of them was the monitor. He almost always does his homework, but I got to be impartial. When he handed in his work, he didn't come forward for a hug. Neither did he make eye contact. I asked him over because everyone is supposed to give me either a hug, a hi-five or a handshake (a system a dear friend had suggested) and he came almost immediately.

I think these kids have gotten into the system of being rewarded when they are good and vice versa In a sense, because of his family situation, I don't think he has ever experienced unconditional love. I hope that in giving him a hug even though he was punished, he could catch a glimpse of this type of love.
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Random mid week thought

There are two periods of time when people will draw closest to God and feel His presence the most; when they are exhilarated and thankful or when they are in pain and in desperation. God loves for us to draw near to Him during these times, but I think more precious to Him is that we come to Him at all times. How would we feel if our family members, friends and loved ones come closest to us only when we need them.

Thank God for His unending grace upon us!

"His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on us" - Jesus Culture
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Praying..

I think the idea is kinda taking shape.

Gals who desire to grow in the Lord, who believes in accountability for one another's growth and who are currently not in a CG.
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One Heart Part 4

We would have followed up and asked about one another's struggles and prayer requests through the week.. because we have remembered and prayed.
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If every Monday night was like this:

Finally got my lippie at J8 last night! I like Ettusais because their lipstick doesn't smell even after one year (that's how long I take for one lipstick) expensive compared to normal brands though. Paid $31 for it. Bought 2 sticks. 

Classes ended on time yesterday, which was unusual because they usually end about 20mins early. I made it in time to catch the movie at J8. It was a last minute decision and a good one. Super entertaining. Even my friend who often sleeps at the movies could keep awake the entire time. We were accompanied by hot hot curry puffs and garetts popcorn. Omg. So good. I felt pampered by good food, ESP the heat hot curry puff. Hot food is always good.

It's gonna be a really busy Oct for me. Both the individual 60% assignment and 20% group assignment are due 31st Oct. Grrr. Ganbette! Nov will Be a better month.
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I am late

but I am not pregnant. So I must be stressed.

Well, I thought it was because of the anniversary service that I was stressed. I was half expecting it to come right after the service like it did the previous few times I had to play for service, but it didn't. So I reckon it's stress.

Stess about what? I think I am getting increasingly irritated and frustrated with the ex. She wrote me an email to tell me that she's unfriending me on facebook until we develop a friendship in real life. At that moment in time, I felt like sticking my finger in my throat and puking. Weird expression but that was how I felt. Haiz. Why must it be so dramatic.. it's like so kiddish and childish lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ARGH. There are other stuff too that I can't mention on public space but so irritated lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe cuz it's not here yet. Quick come and bring me out of my PMS stage........................................

ARGH!! I better start on my assignment like right now.
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Saturday morning thought

Was pretty amused by a few of my friend's admirers. They seem to still hold on to the hope that she would say yes to them even though she has told them clearly that she is just happy being friends. I don't think I ever had someone as persistent about their liking for me. 

It's a good and a bad thing. The good thing is that they let go and they move on. The bad thing is that it's nearly impossible for me to have that same ease as I had talking to them before they had professed their feelings for me, simply because I do not want to lead them on. I realized that with people like that, I tend to be less contactable, less responsive, less friendly, less affectionate, less touchy, less everything else. I guess that helped them let go and move on. There's also a slight difference to my natural caring self. So it's sad that the level of friendship is no longer the same until either of us gets attached. And for some people, things between us were never the same as before. Sad but inevitable?

I feel a bit sad sometimes. Maybe I am being overly responsible, to the point that I "mother" people too much sometimes. I guess it's just my nature and perhaps an occupational hazard. I keep reminding myself that everyone is an adult and they can take care of themselves and I am not responsible for them but I am still unsure how much to let go at times. I guess it's a learning journey for me. Afterall, this is pretty new to me. All these prolly started only in the past few years or so. Praying that I would be able to handle things in the most ideal way in time to come.

Am checking out on this random thought on this Sunny SAturday morning.
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Children's Day

Thank God for the long weekend! I just finished my research at the library! Productive time! Yay!

It was a pretty fun day. The concert for the kids was pretty interesting. Teachers could be a creative lot. Of course the children would like the concert. Teachers were mostly making a fool of themselves, singing, dancing, acting.. :)

Before I gave 3 of my classes their Children's Day gifts, I told them that I also like to give them a hug to wish them Happy Children's Day. Needless to say, there were some squeals, coming from the boys especially.

This is the second time I am hugging an entire class of pupils since I started teaching. The first was hugging every one of my graduating pupils as I handed them their results last year.

Anyhooz, one by one, they came by to hug me. There were some (about 3 out of every 40 pupils)who preferred the handshake (yes, I offered an alternative). I had to teach them the correct way of hugging (arms around the person instead of stiffening the body and giving the body for me to hug like a bolster). It was pretty amusing when the class cheered and clapped when some boys came forward to hug me. I supposed they thought those few boys wouldn't like to display that much affection.

There was one however, rather sad case. He's a boy in my class. After he has hugged me (or I hugged him), he told another classmate that he didn't like the hug because he has not been hugged since K1 (5 years old). That's so sad. I am going to insist on giving him a hug everyday starting next week. *evil laugh*. I am sure he's not the only pupil not getting hugs at home. I shall tell the class that they can choose to hug me at the end of the day if they like. Actually, I don't think I really got hugged after kindergarten.. hmmm..

Anyhooz, I felt really good taking a shower when I got back. Imagine hugging 120 sweaty kids. Euwwwwww.
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aiya

I am not looking for someone who's cute. Honestly, looks do not matter to me as much as warmth, affection and a kind heart. It's really how they make me feel special. And I guess that was how my exes won my heart. Honestly, there were some cute ones who liked me before but when there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry.
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One Heart Part 4

We will know what's happening in one another's lives not just on cg days.
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Dear God.

I am demotivated at work. How?
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One heart part 3

We will have a genuine love for people from the love poured into our hearts by the love of God.
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Ex-colleague

texted me and says he has a friend who wants to attend FCC, so they are attending tomorrow. I also thought he has an inclination to be gay but he has insisted a few times that he is attracted to women. Leave him alone. He is bringing a gal. Should be interesting.

Glad there are more women on the worship team now. Yipee. Higher percentage of representation from women. Yipee.
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Gal from fridae

And so, about the gal from fridae.. I would be more open to meeting up with her one on one if she weren't so persistent in meeting up. Imagine calling me at midnight to ask if I wanted to go for a drink at one of the lesbian ktv place. Thought she needed to talk / in trouble but apparently not.

So after inviting her to play badminton with the rest (she usually can't make it because she's in retail), we finally arranged to play badminton during her off day. I thought she was just bringing another friend along. Lo and behold, I saw 4 others streaming in the badminton court. I had a brief thought that I might get mugged or something. Just a very brief thought. I am kinda paranoid this way; I overthink and overimagine sometimes. Turns out that one is a real estate agent and one an insurance agent. I don't know lah. I really think it's a tough place to be at when one introduces herself to be one of the two. I have this bias that they mostly network to make sales. I know it's wrong to think that way but anyhowz.. 

Maybe that's what people think too when they know that someone's Christian, that they network to get people converted. Sometimes I am guilty of that too. Anyhooz, the intention is to get people to know of the love of the awesome God I worship. That's all. Anyhooz. Random Saturday post. Played too much, ate too much. Time to get some marking done. Ciao.
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One heart part 2

We would encourage and inspire one another to grow through our talk, our actions and our walk with God.
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One heart part 1

I like to be able to lead songs like "Lord I give you my heart, I give you my soul, I live for you alone.." kinda songs without considering if it was too intimate or too much for people.
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Good news

I think I get the most thoughts while driving. So I was being a teeny weeny unproductive at work. While I intended to do some marking during my free period, I surfed sgcarmart for a bit. There were a few interesting cars but none caught my eye. I texted one dealer to ask about the milege for one car but didn't follow up from there. 

So while I was driving to meet this overzealous gal from fridae to play badminton with her and her friend (that is another story), a few cars on the road mildly caught my eye but I didn't have the desire to own them. I wondered if it was because I am currently driving my friend's car. 

That also got me thinking of a parallel in relationships. The urge to want to get attached is more when one is single. I really admire people who have been single for a long time and not feel the urge to be in another relationship.

On another note, i heard from a tiny bird that the ex is ready to start to date (other people). I think that is about the  best news I heard yesterday! I don't know why I feel better if she gets attached before I do. I doubt she will get attached soon but well, a least she's ready to date, so that means I can too. Someone asked if there was a rule that I can't date before she does. Maybe it's guilt from our initial talk about setting aside a year to just concentrate on building ourselves before we consider any other relationships.. Anyhooz, that's good news. *beams*

One more day to Friday! Yay! Erhm by the way, if you are reading this and you know the ex, please do not ask her anything about being ready to date. Maybe she's not ready to let anyone know (other than the bird).
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Sunday's Sermon

Jorg preached that the early disciples have different views of Jesus. Some see Jesus as the Saviour, the Messiah, some see Jesus as a healer, some see Jesus as God. Are any of them wrong ? No. Jesus is all of that and more. Just because we see and experience a part of Jesus doesn't mean all of Jesus is that.

I think that perhaps is one of the most important reason of fellowship for me; to know the different sides of Jesus. That is why speaking to young believers is always so refreshing for me. And that's why christian fellowship is so important and this committment of christian fellowship comes from being in a cell group.We all see different sides of Jesus and when we come together to share our thanksgiving and our journeys, we can help one another catch a glimpse of the many wondrous roles of God.
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About letting go easily

I learnt something about myself today. Today was a superbly busy day, how I managed to squeeze such a thought in, I don't know.

I was thinking or maybe praying (I can't remember) about the cell group issue. And I realised that I felt a tremendous amount of peace on my tentative decision. It's kinda strange because I still feel attached to the cg, and the gals remain quite dear to me. Like I mentioned in the previous post, my need to step forward is stronger than all of that. What surprised me was how easily I could let go once I have made the decision to.

Then I thought about my previous relationships. I realised my ability to let go easily is consistent. What a scary thought. When I was in the relationship, I gave my best, and it's not a mind thing, it's a heart thing. I felt so much for each and every one of them. Yet I had no difficulty letting go when I had to. It scares me sometimes, and I am sure it scares any potential partner. Maybe that's why I know I am not ready for the next relationship. Or perhaps the love I thought I had for my previous partners was not really the sort of love that could last. What a bitter revelation. I guess I still do not know myself as well as I thought I did. I better get myself figured out before I make another mistake. Not that I think my previous relationsships are mistakes, I think they are learning journeys for both parties. Just not a very pleasant aftertaste I guess.

Today was the 20% group presentation. While consolidating everything that my group members had done, I suddenly thought about binding up the assignment to make it more presentable. I wondered why none of my group members thought about it. Maybe they thought it wasn't necessary. 2 of my group members are final year students and they should know better. That caused me a further 2 hours of work! What a relief it's over. I didn't think the presentation went all that well though the tutor said it's a good project. It's tough having to summarise 4 hours worth of lesson planning plus the theories behind them in just 20 minutes. The hard copy is more substantial though, that I am sure. Ah well.. Will just commit that to God.

For now, it's a bit of rest before starting on the 60% individual assignment. I realised I prefer to work alone too. Learning, learning and still learning..
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Low self-esteem

When I was jogging, I thought about a conversation I had with an ex. In the midst of our messy dating relationship, I asked her this: When one is insecure, wouldn't they want to give their best to their only partner? Afterall, they might not be able to find another one who would stay with them. Why would they stray?

To that question, she replied," It's the other way around. Because they feel insecure, they relish in the attention they get from another person other than their partner. "

a warp sort of insight though I kinda got the point.
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Pre=shower post

upon the request of a crazy fan, I shall post a random one before I shower.

Just got back from a 40 minute jog with my bro. It was good bonding time though both of us ran with our ears 3/4 plugged in. The bonding took place intangibly; the energy between 2 persons. Well, without our music, we might just be jogging for 10 minutes. At least there was a little conversation between us.

Conversation 1:

Me: eh wait. slow down a bit

Bro: ooi. you call yourself a PE teacher?

Me: I dont' make my kids run so much. At primary school, they only run 1.6km.

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Conversation 2:

Me: wah. We have jogged for 20 minutes.

Bro: That's because you jogged so slow wat.. -_-

Conversation 3:(At the end of the jog)

Me: Wah! 40 minutes! Not bad.

Bro: So slow lah you.

Good bonding!!! :) We had 3 conversations!
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Amidst all the marking ( which is Starting to bore me now)

My heart warms and I am immediately drawn to the person whose blog I just read. No fanciful words. Just honest, heartfelt feelings about her walk with God and the desires of her heart in fulfilling God's calling for her- to the simple task of loving others; so basic but so difficult. It's too easy for me to be drawn to someone. Fortunately, there are not many like that in this community. :p
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Quiet service or vibrant service?

My colleague went to church with his partner again the previous Sunday. He told me today that he loved the service! But his partner found it boring and nearly fell asleep. His partner prefers the usual FCC style of worship. Like that how ah? Attend different services? I prefer the usual FCC style of worship. I would hope my future partner prefers the same style of worship because the implications are far beyond what type of service we attend on Sundays! :)
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Thoughts on Sunday

This is such a powerful prayer packed in 1 sentence: Lord place your spirit on all your people.
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Sex vs Lovemaking

Sometimes sex is not just sex. It means so much more. A lover's  thoughtfulness can be seen in the way she loves your body. I guess that is what they call lovemaking.
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Stagnancy

2012 is a year of growth!

Of late, I have been feeling that I am in a state of stagnancy. This feeling is accentuated after the busyness faded with the start of this new term. 

Though still busy with much marking and masters related assignments, I don't feel that I have grown much lately. Maybe I have been in this state since a long time ago but it's only recently that the accumulation of stagnancy has finally spoken to my spirit.

At work, I am starting to be present a bit more and build less superficial relationships with my colleagues especially with the teachers teaching in the same level. That's good.

I can distinctly name a few areas: my spiritual growth - it is easy to be complacent when I am attending FCC. It's a comfortable state of being and I feel kinda protected. Regarding ministry, it encompasses 2 parts: I sense that it's time to move out of the comfort zone of belonging to a cosy group to perhaps meeting up with like-minded people with a common desire to grow in the Lord. The group is much stable now and I have laid off facilitating for a while i.e others are able to do it well. More people have the experience of facilitating the group so the group is in safe hands.

Moving to somewhere new may mean some level of discomfort but I think my current restlessness supercedes the feeling of discomfort. I also felt that my bass playing has stagnanted. I have not taken lessons since the beginning of the year. It's time to start again.

Concrete goals:
1) start attending Sat or Sunday afternoon services
2) sign up for the next session of LUSH
3) start taking bass lessons again
4) be active in being present at gatherings
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hmm.. such a random thought

I know of someone who thinks very highly of herself. Well, I guess I can understand where she is coming from. She thinks she has kept herself all 33 years of her life for the special someone. That is special in itself.. And I admire that. But that level of admiration kinda diminished when she knows that she's THAT special and it comes out in her speech and thoughts. Ah.. not so attractive anymore. Example of a statement said: You don't need a present! I am the present!

I can't remember what sparked off that thought. But it leaves a little bit of a bad aftertaste.. :(
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new car, no cd

and so I have been listening to music from radio because I keep forgetting to bring CDs into the car.

And so, as I listen to the songs on radio, the thought that went through my head was this: Why in the world would people want to listen to music like that when there are so many nice christian songs around. Alright, jazz is fine because it's a different brand of music altogether and a certain kind of jazz puts me in a certain romantic kind of mood. I guess rock is fine too because of the colourful way the instruments are played.

But I guess once you have experienced the presence of God in christian music, many many songs pale in comparison. The musicians are anointed by a heavenly being! And such wholesome lyrics somemore.. :)
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Confession

I can't help but to put this on public space. I have not met anyone quite as amazing as her. So precious.
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4 random thoughts

The thing about having so much is this; u never know if u are liked for who you really are..

Good foot reflexology is like a very good foreplay

Maybe shouldn't buy such good headphones. I end up listening to the different instruments rather than the lyrics of the songs...

Malacca is fun but not good for me. The food is so good that I ended putting on the pounds. The quality of the bed is so good that I ended up spraining my knee. Kauz.

I really really enjoy playing bridge!
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While in the toilet at Jusco

So nice to have a sitting toilet. One reason why I don't imagine being a missionary in a third world country.. but that is where all the upgs are. Ah well, people will say that God will heal my knees if I am willing... But I know my role in His kingdom is not in being an overseas missionary. Not for now anyway.

My injured finger is still painful but I can feel it slowly healing. Thank God for that. 

It is a great trip so far. Got to know some people better. It's relaxing and I got to play bridge. Yay! We played bridge till 3a.m! I foresee it would be another night of bridging tonight. Nice. My nose is slightly runny because of the combination effects of the cigarette smoke as well as the haze. I don't foresee being attached to a smoker. My nose is sensitive like hell. 

The yamaha sale was exciting. I get super excited shopping for musical instruments. Irene and Karen asked me to look out for guitars for them. In the end, the guitar I recommended Irene, an APX 900, was at a 70% discount (1200 to 400)! Display set, a few non-noticable dents at the back, other than that, it looks gorgeous and sounds lovely. So why not? Was happy when she decided to get it. At least I can still see and play with it I want to. I would have gotten that too if I hadn't got a APX 700 2 years ago when I started playig the acoustic guitar. Now that my specialisation is in the bass, i shouldn't spend that amount of money. Karen wanted a acoustic guitar which cost less than 200. The one I saw was a semi acoustic classical. Was 277, now 155. Such a good deal. Gary also called me the night before to see if I was going shopping. He asked me if I could get something to replace the church guitar. I told him I could but I didn't think that irene's car could fit 3 guitars all the way to malacca and back. Pity.. Would have loved to shop for the church guitar.

Summary for now. Gotto get out of the toilet and be sociable.
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what is the source?

While kaypohing on facebook, I saw photos of BMCF's services. Almost all the instrumentalists are women. I see photos of them huddling together with the vocalist and worship leader to pray before the service. The congregation worship with wild abandon, raising their hands, on their knees.. Why isn't FCC like that?

Where are the godly women who have the heart to serve and worship God? Sigh. A bit depressing. The best way is to pray for a revival in the heart of FCC. WE need to be less selfish, less prideful, less self-centred, more god-focused and more people -centred. We need life.

I am embarrassed to say that majority of the women who serves at FCC is not from Plush. And Plush is the one of the older all girls' CG. What is wrong?
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Time alone

I have been spending a lot of time alone these 3 days just doing my own stuff, planning for the cell group retreat, exercising, kaypohing on people's fb page, reading, praying, reflecting. And I am starting to feel a little bored. Timely that the Malacca trip is tomorrow. Maybe I am more of an extrovert than I think. Will be a good time of catching up with good pals, and a good time for physical self maintenance. :)

looking forward.
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about being outwardly progressive and inwardly conservative

Not so long ago, I posted a status update about me being outwardly progressive and inwardly conservative. My colleague who's gay and knows about FCC and me was surprised. He thought it was the other way. I can see how he, along with some other people who do not know me very well, would see me that way.

The context which they see me is more on the surface I guess; I am a teacher, hence closeted which forms the conservative outward part of me. But I am okay with being attracted to women and don't think God condemns same sex relationship. So that forms the inwardly progressive part of me. I guess he's not wrong. But I guess that is just the surface.

I am outwardly progressive in the way that I am very open to a wide range of values, beliefs and theology about people in general, about christianity, about faith and even about christian living. I am inwardly conservative because while I can accept what I hear, I have my set of values and principals that I follow. I guess that is what makes me me. The outwardly progressive part helps me to accept people more readily and judge people less quickly, hence I get along with people easily. The inwardly conservative me helps stabilize my randomness and seemingly frivolous nature.

This is the random part of me writing now.
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Firmed up my SOP

It's so true that a friend only tells you off in your face when they care for you. For me, I rather someone whom I call a friend tells me off rather than talk behind my back. Pui. If I know a friend for a while and she or he has been caring, what could stop me from receiving harsh remarks from them? I reckon it's only my pride. Through yesterday's sermon, I have firmed up my protocol on receiving harsh feedback. I shall humbly receive the feedback and only defend myself if I deem it untrue. And a true friend will hear me out. But if it's true, I shall also swallow my pride and tell him/her that the feedback need not be given in such a harsh manner. Iron sharpens iron. Only with feedback can we start to be better people.
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On judgements

I learnt about a month ago to look at the child holistically. Do not limit him/her. There is no need to compare with another. It's the same as evaluating people. Look at them as a whole person and how they treat people in general to really know their character and their heart. Do not let one or two incidents form your judgement of them. Even God looks at your entire book of life as you meet Him in heaven face to face. 
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Random thought from ouyang's sermon

It's the process that cleanses, purifies and sharpens us. Believe in the creator who has created you and do what you can do right now. Don't focus on what we do not have, focus on the little we have and use them well.
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The power of the cross

We may question if many things in the bible are true. But history has recorded for us what is real. Jesus is born of virgin Mary, fully man but without sin, died for us to cleanse us of our sins, crucified on the cross and rose on the third day, ascended to the right hand of God and appeared to his disciples fully flesh. Even if we do not believe that Jesus is God, it's hard to believe that Jesus died for us. Will any of our friends, our family members or even our partners die for us? Thank you for the cross, Jesus.  
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About shopping for cars

I am very thankful for the use of a friend's car in about 2 weeks from now. She will be away for 5 weeks. That delays me from getting a car even further. Not that I am complaining. Since 2 months plus ago since I stopped driving. I have been tempted to get another car. I logged on to sgcarmart thrice, spent like an hour on it and contemplated contacting some sellers for test drives. Having researched (on a superficial level) and being ready to get the car helps me narrow down my criteria in the car I want to get.

Now, when I look at the cars on the road, I know instinctively what attracts me and what doesn't. I don't consider just any car. I know what type I want. I think it's the same thing "shopping" for a partner. If we have not researched enough, have not asked enough questions (internal reflection - something talked about yesterday over fish head curry), have not seen enough, it's difficult to make that measured decision. Much as I go with the feel and the flow, I know when someone is a potential someone and when someone is not.

I have a few friends who are looking and ready to date. I pray and hope they will not go for just anyone who's available and who seems interested to be with them. It's so easy especially when one is lonely and wants to fill that empty part of their life. I have heard that a few of these couples do last though.

Ultimately, it takes 2 hands to clap. For one couple who's mismatched yet takes the effort to work things out and commit to staying together, they may be the happiest couple ever. For a couple who's very compatible but yet not commited to staying together and working things out, things can fall apart. LIfe is very unpredictable and confusing sometimes. My take is just to give my best in any relationship and if the relationship doesn't work out, at least I do not have any regrets.
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Post Election reflection

The towed car is still not back at the car park yet. Poor thing.

I learnt that the older aunties and uncles do not really have an idea who to vote for. They neither read the papers nor watch the news. So how do they decide? They look at the face lor. And the symbol. TJS is smart to use a heart symbol.

A good impression is so important. Hence the walkabouts.. a headful of white hair shows wisdom. Spectacles show intellect. A compassionate smile can win votes too. Someone told me that TKL looks like a pervert. Another someone told me that TJS looks sly. Heh.

I am glad for the results. Thankful actually. There's some form of stability, yet TT knows that he has to win the other 65%'s trust. Things will only get better. Ganbatte.
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Election entertainment 2

My partner for the second half of my duty is a Chinese language teacher who came to Singapore 10 years ago on an MOE schlorship. She's quite cute and petite and we had a good conversation going throughout the day when there weren't any business. In mandarin. Yes. In mandarin. I was quite proud of my ability to hold a conversation in mandarin. Haha. Maybe she was thinking I speak crap mandarin but the conversations were good. We had an interesting conversation before we sat together to work though. She asked: has anyone told you you look cool? I was like hmmmm? She elaborated and said that when she saw me standing at the first station before we worked together, she thought I looked like a policewoman. I thought I looked pretty feminine! Maybe not to a straight femme (she's married with a 8 month old son). Anyhowz thought that was quite interesting. I wonder if i will look good andro. Hee. 
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Election entertainment 1

A car parked at the car park was towed away. I heard the police called for the tow truck. No doubt the parking area was barricaded from 2 days ago, but the car was there, in the same position, 2 days ago. I think the owner might be travelling. Poor thing. But he should have known.. The same area was barricaded for GE. I am sure there will be lots of commotion over the towed car. Perhaps the police will have to pay for the tow truck. We shall see. Funny thing. I have been staying at cck for 6 years yet I do not know who the car owner is. :p
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No future for the not so smart kids?

While invilgilating a class, I looked around the class and thought of how pupils have progressed in the way that they look. Last time, the smart ones looked toot when they were younger and if they ever transform to look good, it would be when they become vain. It was the baddies who looked cool and non-studying ah lians who looked manicured.  They are the ones with higher eq and
who tend to be more well-liked. Nowadays, the smarter kids are not only intelligent, they look better and their eq is slightly higher. They do better at sports too.. because they use their brains. For the academically weaker ones, poor things. Then I start to evaluate what they truly need to be taught in school. Details in another post. TGIF!!
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True lesbians

Well, I was speaking to a long lost friend after church when she told me about her struggle with her attraction to this girl who was obviously making use of her. Everyone has given her the advice to break off the relationship/friendship with the girl. She was going on about how sexy and gorgeous the girl was and how she felt aroused looking at blah blah blah. At that moment, I felt like she's truly 100% lesbian. I don't think anyone who dressed sexily had caused me to feel aroused before. Maybe it was because she was already attracted to the gal. 

Then I asked myself if I was 100% lesbian. Prolly not. But being attracted to women is more than just being attracted to their private parts, isn't it? It's being attracted to what makes a woman woman. That's why I think I am unlikely to fall for someone too masculine. Ah well. Random rant to celebrate the weekend.
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Selfish?

Was walking with my course mate to the train station. Upon knowing that he was taking the same line as I was, I told him I was going to J8 to get something before heading home. He said he was going to get some food there too before heading back. I apologised for not being able to accompany him. 

Such is the need for my personal time. Sigh. Sunday's sermon was a good reminder and caused me to ask this question: why is it that I can't give more of my time to others. 

Sigh.
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Just keep moving..

This is the second time I am taking a train from cck to aljunied. Both times, I left home at the same time. Today, however, I walked a little faster from home to the train station and managed to catch the train which had just arrived then. I reached aljunied 15 mins earlier because the connecting train at Jurong East happened to be at the station where I had made that transfer. Those few seconds made so much difference. It's all about the timing.

Same with God. Regardless of the timing, you will still arrive at your destination. Just later or earlier. If you walk with God and go by His timing, you get to use the shortcut. You dont have to relearn things as much. God is so good to not make us like robots. He gave us choices. Even if we made a "wrong" decision, we will still arrive at the destination, maybe via the longer route with harder lessons to learn and maybe more suffering. 

So timely that I saw Confucious' saying after this entry: It doesn't matter how slowly you go, so long you don't stop moving forward.
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shen bitching

a person's status update:

I am rendered speechles by my building's cleaner once again. She just closed the lift door in my face minutes ago when I had my hands full and was trying to enter the lift. She was facing me so its impossible that she did not see me! Seriously. whats her problem?!




My inner voice said: She doesn't like you.
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There is a certain sense of beauty in the worship of God when the heart feels kinda empty, when we feel a lil lost. It is during these times when the awareness of God's presence is heightened. Sweet.. God's strength is perfect in our weakness.
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Wanna have smooth glowy skin?

Swim. It's equivalent to soaking in the bathtub. All your dirt gets swept away by the moving water molecues. That's why people soak their stained clothings. Same concept. Same same but different.
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Random thought only on public transport

The elderly shouldn't colour their hair. Nor should they use SK2. The number of wrinkles and that headful of white hair may cause people to think that they are still young and no one will give up their seats for them on public transport.
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and so..

I have been doing foot reflexology for the past 3 hours. On the OSIM. The real thing cost too much at certain periods of the month. THe pain is so addictive.

Got a chance to spend some very relaxing time at home. Pontang a dinner meant for the nominees for the Outstanding PE teacher award. I felt a bit bad because the dinner is paid for by the school. My HOD, who's supposed to be my chaperon, asked me to get an MC to cover my backside just in case my P gets angry that I skipped the dinner. So I did. What a lovely way to spend the evening. Lazy lazy me. THe dinner's too far away and I have no transport. Another deterring factor. I don't really want to make small talk too. It's too exhausting. I think I get more anti-social the older I get.

Spent $23 bucks at the clinic. $10 bucks sponsored by MOE. Got meself more synflex. I feel like a drug addict sometimes.

I feel lazzzzzzy.
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My time @ Wesley

I had the privilege of attending a friend's baptism service. I am not really close to her but for her to invite me is a big thing because she only asked her mum, her partner and 2 or 3 friends. 

Even though I am not as close to her, my heart leapt with excitement and joy when she announced that she was getting baptized.

A small part of how I felt was because I know how important this step of public declaration is. To me, water baptism is equivalent to marriage. But I guess a large part of the reason why I felt this way was how I saw her journey with God progress from the first time she stepped into FCC. Though she was baptized in another church last Thursday, it reminded me once again the importance of fcc's ministry. From FCC and her journey in search of her sexuality in relation to God, she has come to the level of understanding and acceptance of what it means to be a gay Christian. That is so very precious.

What's there not to rejoice about. We are all part of God's big family. She expressed interest in looking for a bible study group at FCC. She's exploring. Starting with plush next Tuesday. It's all about God's timing. She used to visit plush once or twice but stopped after a while. Whether she remains this time is inconsequential. I pray she finds a place where she can grow and serve.
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Friends, trust and good friends

My relationship with my colleague has become better since we talked about church and God. I am not sure if I am right about this but he's much gentle when he speaks to me now. No more angst, no tone of bitchiness in his voice (the gay men kind of bitchiness) like how it used to be. Yet I am still a little hesitant about sharing much of my personal life with him. Maybe not yet. I only share about my personal life with my best friend at work.

 I guess there are not many people I can entrust my life to. I can think of a few that I would bare my soul to but lack of time and circumstances do not allow for that depth of sharing to take place regularly. As such, I only share that much and that deeply with people I spend a lot of time with,mostly my partners. It's a risk to share dark secrets with people. I guess it's more of how my trust in them is broken more so than hearing my secrets let out. The feelings of hurt and betrayal stay only for a while, but it's difficult to build the relationship to that same level once that trust is broken.

 I remembered how I trusted a good friend enough to come out to her but she later emailed a few of our common friends on the pretext of praying for me. That was when I decided that i have no interest in cultivating our friendship any longer. I will still be around if she needs my help. But that's all she will get from me; my availability.

In a way, as much and as easily I feel for someone (as a friend), I don't have much difficulty letting go of someone who can't be trusted or just someone who takes all the time. I try to be around as much as I can but I don't need to grovel to have someone's friendship unless they are Jesus. Hehe.

Sometimes, I do think that to be great friends, there will be a certain level of compatibility (now I am complicating friendship too. :p). 

Firstly, I think there must be a certain amount of trust and care. It cannot be one-sided. Both parties must enjoy each other's company. Both must be able to have a balance of giving and taking,  both have to be able take turns to be strong for each other, funny enough to lift up each other's spirits when either is down, available enough to spend time with, with common interests enough to do things with. That's why some people click with some and not with others. 

Funneee random thoughts I have sometimes. That is my blog. To allow me to record my thoughts and think aloud.
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