Why do I like to read the bible?

Everytime I read the bible, I feel centred. And humbled.

Tonight, I received news that my dad has suicidal tendencies. I am pretty overwhelmed with everything that's happening. My emotional capacity to give is mainly for my kids during this period of time, but I am thankful that I could share with a few people to ask them to pray for my dad.

This passage spoke straight to my heart and comforted me:


For God alone my soul waits in silence;

from him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

Psalms 62:1-2
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tempting to fly to Perth for the weekend.

That will be the craziest thing I have ever done. Ever. LOL. SO SILLY!!
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thankful

I am thankful for everything big and small. But currently, at this phase in my life, I am thankful for resilient friends who are able to support me in many ways, especially in prayer.

I have always tried to give of myself to people as much as I am able to, and whilst I still try to serve God as best as I can, I did realise that after my dad's diagnosis; the stress of having to handle financial matters at home, the responsibility of sending dad to hospital, together with the pressure of having to produce results for the PSLE, leaves me very little capacity to give emotionally to others.

I think that having friends who are not overwhelmed and  preoccupied by their own lives and problems is one of God's greatest gifts to me at this point in time. I am praying and waiting for the season where I can operate functionally once again.

kisses to God. MUACKS!!
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massage by gay man

the good thing about being massaged by a gay man is this:

1) they have strong hands
2) they won't touch places unnecessarily
3) there is no tension of any sort as with a lesbian masseuse

such an awesome massage.
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and while reading my lecture notes..

According to Csikszentmihalyi (1997) in his article “Quality of Experience in Everyday Activities” , he postulates that it is the full involvement of flow, rather than happiness, that makes for excellence in life.

It is this flow that gives meaning to life and increases the general well-being of a person. However, when we are in flow, we are not happy at that moment because we are not able to focus on our inner states when we are on task. It is only after the task is completed then we will feel that optimal flow. Of course, he says that it's possible to feel happy without being in flow; simple things like basking in the warmth of the sun, enjoying a good nap, being in love.. but this happiness without the flow is very vulnerable and dependent on favourite external circumstances.

Okay, the point of the article is for the purpose of knowing that this excellence in life facilitates the motivation to learn despite challenges. But my take is this. Instant gratification gives instant rewards but does not make a fulfilling experience.. So like what my ex- Senior Pastor always says , Dream big, but start small and build deep.
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Food for thought

A question came up as I was driving. One of those inspired moments while listening to worship music again and this time, captured on blog. Wahahaha. 

Assume that you fall in love with your partner because she smells good, looks good and feels good and one day, because of some reason, she inevitably doesn't smell the same, look the same and feel the same. Does that give us permission to break up with them?

Of course, we say we are not superficial and look for other things in a partner. So .... assume you like to be treated nicely by your partner and you fall in love with your partner because you like the way your partner treats you. What if one day, for one reason or another, your partner no longer treats you the same way, so in a way, the reason why you fall in love with her is not longer there. Does that give you permission to break up with your partner? 

I guess it is therefore more important to look for characteristics in your partner that will not change because of mood swings or seasonal changes. The character of your partner is likely to remain the same or better if they are believers willing to be molded into the image of Christ and obedient to the commands of Jesus. Not that feeling special is inconsequential but surely, there must be more than looks and the way they make us feel in choosing our partners?

Of course we cannot change the situation if our partner leaves us regardless. But the first and more important question to ask ourselves is this: do we have what it takes for someone to fall in love with us and remain in love with us? 

End of inspired post.

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random thoughts

I finally got some down time.

I don't use my free time very well.

I use my free time to change my profile photo and cover photo on facebook.

You know how weak the kids are? So weak not one of them know the meaning of accommodation. Obviously I have not spoken to them much about going on holidays.

Solomon was given lots of wisdom even though he drank heaps, partied heaps, shopped heaps and had heaps of beautiful concubines. 

i.e Doesn't mean we are living right even if God gives us wisdom. God's grace for us is beyond common sense.

Or maybe he'e the only lucky one given everything so he can write the book of Ecclesiastes. Hur hur.

Humility keeps one grounded. Humility keeps one from having lofty thoughts. Humility keeps one contented.

Reading the papers makes me feel smart.

Reading the bible makes me feel smarter.

I am ready for another trip.

If I am crazy enough, I will fly to Perth just for the weekend.
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Soul Care

So important. And so thankful for a time like this (even though the time isn't cheap). Though I miss people and things from home, I wish I had a few days to continue spending time alone and with God. 

This is a very different trip from previous Oz trips. Maybe because it was really short and I really needed the time to recharge. Also, the weight limit of my carry on was 7kg and I went into Australia with 7kg. So I didn't shop at all. I probably only walked into one or two shops to get some magnets and looked at bikini tops but decided it was too time consuming to try them on anyway. I took only 15 mins to walk through paddy's market. I didn't even go into any supermarkets. Other trips, I would have wiped the shelves of gummies chocolate, smith's chips and home brand corn beef. Other trips, I would have gone to the factory outlets too.

I am thankful for the daily slots of 3- hourly sessions throughout the day to read, write, pray, contemplate and reflect. I am thankful I got to catch up with a dear friend, got to spend some time with my sis (but sadly, no in depth conversation) and got ministered during the hillsong service.

At the end of the trip was the rather arduous 8 and a half hour flight back home. One thing I am thankful for was that my sis and I didn't get to sit together so I had some more alone time. I was slipping in and out of consciousness, waking up only to read, eat and pee. I realized though, it's this time of solitude that God speaks the clearest. I kinda have a sense of how the plush retreat will look like next year and I am pretty stoked at getting the plan out to the gals.I was pretty stoked because praying and planning for the retreat wasn't part of my plan this trip but I guess it was God's plan.

The book which I brought along with me this trip summarized the purpose of the retreat well:

"A spiritual retreat is a time apart when we move slower, take time to rest, have extended time for solitude and silent listening, share our journeys and key learnings, eat together and enjoy one another's company."

At the end of the book, the author shared a practice called Lectio Divina. I think it is worth spending time bringing that to the gals because it not only teaches how God speaks through the bible, it also helps us to learn how to enjoy solitude with God. 

I am feeling a bit of guilt of not spending as much time with my sis as she would have hoped. Instead of walking or shopping together, I would often tell her to meet at a certain location in about an hour or two and i would scoot off somewhere to spend time alone. She did tell me that she wanted to exercise and tan this trip, that she didn't have any expectations of this trip since it's pretty much paid for. So I hope she's happy.

Adios! I am ready to conquer the world for the next 20 days. And then no more serious teaching, no more marking and no more extra lessons! Got more time for my assignments and step up serving!

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The wonderful works of God

You know what's beautiful about the love and power of God? He can make all our ugliness beautiful and all our weaknesses strengths. He breaks all the stereotypical molds of how males and females are and set them apart for his purposes. 

Men of God humbled, no more ego gratification; changed from the typical egoistic and chauvinistic self to being surrendered, giving, gentle.. Women given independence and strength.. women who dare to speak up and change the world. 

That's why I am attracted to the god part of girls. I like a Christian gal not because the bible tells me so. I like a Christian girl because her world view, values, character, personality and life is so evidently changed by her knowledge of the love, grace and mercy of God.i think I can be attracted to the heart and character of a Christian guy too! But just that i can't imagine nor want to be intimate with him. Haha. 

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Hearing from God

Isn't it lovely when one hears directly from the voice of the lord telling them what to do and where to go? David was fighting big fights, but he never went where God didn't send him. He inquired of the Lord if he should go for battle and heeded the lord's response.

Hearing God's distinct voice takes time, takes experience, and takes an open heart. 

Just like how we are able to recognize a friend's voice after conversing with them on the phone a few times, so it is with God's voice. 

Recognizing God's voice takes experience; Every time we hear God's voice, heed his call and experience His goodness and glory, we remember his track record and that increases our faith when we have to hear from Him again. It's like conditioning. The more success we have in hearing Him, the more confident we know that we should heed His call when He calls. 

Most importantly, hearing God's call and his heart takes an open heart and an open mind. It takes the willingness to be open to anything the Lord says, not according to our wants, needs, desires and agenda. We come with an open slate waiting expectantly for God's word to e deposited. 

I am praying for God to speak today. I am waiting for a word from God regarding direction in ministry, in career and in relationships.

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Learning to see with Jesus' eyes

About 12 years ago, when I was with my second cell group, I learnt one of the most profound lessons that I still bring along with me today.

It was not learnt during bible study, nor was it learnt in the duration of cell group. My cell group leader (one year older than I was but many many years older in terms of spiritual maturity and her enduring spirit), and I were wondering about a guy who had been missing cell group. I was coming up with a list of possibilities why he could be missing cell just like the disciples asking Jesus if the reason why the man was blind was because he or his parents had sinned. Jesus responded by telling the disciples that they were asking the wrong question. In the midst of finding the reason why, they lost a chance to find out God's intention for them to minister to the blind man.

Similarly, my cell group leader asked me." so how? What should we do next?" I was dumbstruck then and could still remember exactly how I felt then. 

12 years later,  I read something which reinforced the same lesson once again; asking questions may be important but more importantly, the question "what next" should be asked ; concrete expressions of love is more important than theoretical conversations about theology. As very aptly summed up by Ruth Barton:

"yes, there is evil in the world. Yes, there is sin with all its tragic consequences. Yes, there is a complex web of cause and effect relationships at work in the human experience. But what good does the blame question do? The real question is, What is God going to do with it? Jesus engaged the heartbreak and the complexity of the human situation by pointing out that such situations create the most amazing possibilities for God to be at work."

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36 hours worth of entries

 thoughts in the air, 3a.m

God told me to slow down. 

Many times, in the midst and the excitement of ministering and sharing, I sacrifice precious time waiting at his feet to be ministered by the holy spirit.

I wait at His feet, I draw from His living waters, and thereafter, I give. And the cycle continues.

The song that ministered greatly on the plane:

Holy holy holy

Oh God almighty

Early in the morning

Our souls shall rise to thee

Holy holy holy

Merciful and mighty

God in three persons

Blessed trinity

And He says to me: I am using you to bless the world. You are not using me to bless the world. Stop rushing and wait on me.

 Praying:

One thing I find that I get very excited about praying is the appearance of certain words in my mind in the midst of praying. Over time, I began to realize that the holy spirit places these words in my mind, so I know how to pray accurately for others. 

The bible says that though we don't know what to pray for but the holy spirit intercedes on our behalf for the saints. 

Scoot:

Scoot isn't that bad a budget airline. For one, it departed on time and the stewards and stewardess try their best. I didn't like paying $5 for Nissin cup noodles made in Indonesia though. It tasted different. A bad kind of different. 

Also, they could have given us more space since the flight was half full instead of squeezing all of us in a section. All in all, I won't mind flying by Scoot again. It's cheap and if the flights are going to be this empty all the time, the prices will remain competitive.

Communing with God:

Just last week, a friend was asking me whether it was possible communing with God with both the mind, and the heart. She said that she needed to find the missing link because some people do not understand her when she simply tells them to go with the flow and feel God in their hearts.

Why do I say both the mind and heart is necessary for that to happen? It is important to be aware that emotions and feelings change, especially after the honeymoon period, and yes, it applies to our relationship with God too. If we are blessed enough with the strength to continue to commune with god at a deep level all the days of our lives, bravo. But for those who have been along this journey for a while certainly know that it's not happily ever after after the point of salvation. In order to know what to do to keep that communion deep and intimate, we need to know what factors cause us to have that close and intimate bond with God. 

Like any relationships, we feel closest to our love ones when we give and take, when we communicate, when we spend time hearing each other out. It's all about time spent in knowing each other, isn't it? 

There are also distractors that take away our capacity to give that attention to our loved ones, aren't there? When our minds constantly think about our goals, our dreams, our work, our social life, money, we fail to have that quality communication with our loved ones.

In the same way, how we spend time with God also determines the depth of communion with him. If we don't have time with him getting to know Him, His character through the bible, through sermons, through christian fellowship, if we do not have the time to meditate on His word, bask in His love, sit at His feet and be ministered by His presence; if we have too many distractions in our mind, how will we hear from Him, right?

The accommodation:

Am really blessed by the accommodation at Old Holiday Inn. It has a pool view to kill for . And I think I thank God for the name of the hotel. Looking down at the lobby this morning, I see older guests (as in grandmothers and grandfathers kinda age). 

What is the significance? No screaming kids, no loud drunkards, just quiet peeps having quiet conversations. Most of then would have finished their pool chilling session by 9am so it's just my sis and another young couple who's quietly reading. 

Very blessed morning. :) I would love for a cell group retreat here sometime but maybe when we are much older and have no need to rush, be wild and lively. Lol. 

Oxford Street

Got goosebumps for all 5 minutes of the ride on the way to Bondi seeing all the rainbow flags along the entire stretch of Oxford street which says "the city of Sydney". How nice. It gives me a really warm feeling knowing that being a practising glbt is not illegal over here. Also passed Wattle hotel, the hotel where the ex and I stayed in for 3 days when we were here.

My dear Aussie mate:

My dear Aussie friend (formerly the bassist at FCC) asked me in the midst of our conversation: so who do you talk about sex to when I left Singapore? ( we weren't talking about sex). It's a funny question because we don't talk about sex very often when we were in Singapore, not in my opinion any way.

It was a good session of catching up over dinner, shopping and dessert. She brought me to Newtown, this long stretch of shops and restaurants near the city (like river valley). I saw quite a few lesbian couples through the night. She told me there was a monthly lesbian party on Friday but I told her it is not really my cup of tea.

I asked if she wanted to attend the Saturday evening hillsong service with me. I was quite surprised to hear that she has not attended Hillsong church in her life. She said she doesn't mind accompanying me but she will need some really strong drinks after that. That was hilarious. I told her to start drinking so she will be filled with the spirit by Saturday evening. Haha.

Looking forward to Hillsong service!
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My concept of discipleship

level 1: assured of salvation
level 2: assured of God's love
level 3: serving God
level 4: serving God joyfully
level 5: serving God in pain and adversity
level 6: having the right attitude in serving God
level 7: serving God with the right attitude even if no one commends you
level 8: serving God with the right attitude even if someone criticises your serving

Which level are we at?
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I am going to miss you like crazy too.

x 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.
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Teachers Day..

is particularly sweet for me this year. I could feel how much my current class loves me through what they have done for me. Given that they are a very notorious class with a few teachers switching classes because they couldn't manage them last year, I am so thankful that God has helped me gain favour in their eyes. They are so incredibly sweet. They mean so much to me and I really hope all of them will pass to go to secondary school.

I also got to read some of the notes that my previous year's students have written on the nomination form for me. So sweet.

I also got to meet my ex-pupils. All sweet. The reward of teaching. (the only reward). Apart from the occasional 8% pay rise. LOL.
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a situation manager

I feel like that sometimes. And together with the combination of my dad's situation, the heavy workload at work, ministry committments and the culmination of PMS over this busy weekend, I felt an overwhelming sense of weakness and vulnerability (I wonder if the word vultures came from the word vulnerable).

I realise that at times like this, I tend not to be very resilient towards negativity. On ordinary days, by God's grace, I usually am able to handle my own negativity (if any) quite adequately. What's adequate? It means having reserve energy to handle others' negativity too. But this weekend, on top of two bad news regarding two people close to my heart, I felt quite a significant level of distress as I hear about some negativity about work and colleagues from a dear one, because I didn't have the energy to cope with it. Thankfully, things worked out towards the end. And all is well now.

God's words came floating in front of my eyes this very minute: It is well, it is well, with my soul. (along with the music).

I love Jesus, really do.
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