after meeting up with my financial advisor, a friend after 3 years of not seeing her, I learnt that I should probably be watching my finances more tightly. If not for the fact that the mortgage is paid for via CPF and that there is rental money coming in from the new place, I would have been in the red. Even though my contribution to my parents and the household has increased by more than threefold, there are certain ways to reduce my spending.
My short term plan for the next 6 months is this:
No weekend travels.
No purchase of unnecessary stuff (electronic gadgets, clothes, bags, etc).
No buying of alcohol (except if it's Absolut collectible)
No eating at cafes/restaurants more than three meals a week.
The good news is, my CPF OA investment is enough to pay my mortage for the next 5 years even if I do not work. I thought the purchase of the new place almost wiped my CPF OA dry. Hidden money is good sometimes.
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Sunday, October 28, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
I finally conquered SBV Road!
It was 1.4 km uphill and 1.4 km downhill. I never thought I could manage that jog. Many thanks to my co-runner and motivator! :)
Whilst jogging downhill by myself (while the crazy one kept running through the park), some thoughts came to mind.
The thought of jogging uphill was daunting; I imagined a steep slope, my knees hurting, and my back aching.. I had prepared to walk before I even started the jog. It didn't seem that difficult as I did that step by step. I didn't even know that I was jogging upslope many times. And because of that, I thought the run down would not be entirely downhill (no ups means no downs right?). But I was wrong, it was truly a downhill run, which ended the run so pleasantly. I couldn't see the upslope because I was merely concentrating on my next step.
It's the same with our own spiritual journey, I think. While it is true that we want to plan and think ahead, we do not want to be bog down by the worries construed by our thoughts about the future. God gives us sufficient grace to live the day, and hence, we really should not worry too much about the future, but just walk in step with Him. Worrying too much about the future only makes the journey more daunting. So not helpful at all. Then again, I can only do things like that once or twice a year, like the 10km jog. Hehe
I also learnt something new about myself through the run. When I was not able to see the end, it was easier to keep going. When my running mate said "I think we have another 3 corners more to reach the top. You are doing well, keep going! ". I felt like stopping. It's like that whenever I am on the treadmill too. I try to cover the time and distance with my towel and just run. I often feel that the run's tedious whenever I am counting down because my focus will be on the time and distance covered. I will be thinking: "How much more before I finish?" I am still trying to figure that part of me out. Maybe it's related to how I am often excited about new projects and start planning way in advance, but once the structure is in place, I often had to wait till the last minute before putting in the details. hehe. Will think more about this when I have more time. Ciaoz.
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Whilst jogging downhill by myself (while the crazy one kept running through the park), some thoughts came to mind.
The thought of jogging uphill was daunting; I imagined a steep slope, my knees hurting, and my back aching.. I had prepared to walk before I even started the jog. It didn't seem that difficult as I did that step by step. I didn't even know that I was jogging upslope many times. And because of that, I thought the run down would not be entirely downhill (no ups means no downs right?). But I was wrong, it was truly a downhill run, which ended the run so pleasantly. I couldn't see the upslope because I was merely concentrating on my next step.
It's the same with our own spiritual journey, I think. While it is true that we want to plan and think ahead, we do not want to be bog down by the worries construed by our thoughts about the future. God gives us sufficient grace to live the day, and hence, we really should not worry too much about the future, but just walk in step with Him. Worrying too much about the future only makes the journey more daunting. So not helpful at all. Then again, I can only do things like that once or twice a year, like the 10km jog. Hehe
I also learnt something new about myself through the run. When I was not able to see the end, it was easier to keep going. When my running mate said "I think we have another 3 corners more to reach the top. You are doing well, keep going! ". I felt like stopping. It's like that whenever I am on the treadmill too. I try to cover the time and distance with my towel and just run. I often feel that the run's tedious whenever I am counting down because my focus will be on the time and distance covered. I will be thinking: "How much more before I finish?" I am still trying to figure that part of me out. Maybe it's related to how I am often excited about new projects and start planning way in advance, but once the structure is in place, I often had to wait till the last minute before putting in the details. hehe. Will think more about this when I have more time. Ciaoz.
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Saturday, October 20, 2012
Re: Eternal life
I have always seen eternal life to be a phase after life on earth ends; when my physical body dies, my spiritual body, the soul, gets to spend eternity with God. And isn't that what we tell prebelievers too? That when we receive Jesus into our lives, we have eternal life.That is true, but what if eternal life is more than just life after death?
Henri, my latest human/non human idol says it very aptly: "eternal life is life in and with God, and God is where I am here and now. It is the divine indwelling that is eternal life. It is the active presence of God at the centre of my living- the movement of God's Spirit within us- that gives us the eternal life."
Therefore, I think, eternal life in heaven, is a continuation of our present life with God after our time on earth ends. That when they say there is eternal life after death, they mean death as not a physical death but the death of self to the lordship of God.
Henri's life reminds me, that indeed, fruitfulness of one's life is much more visible only after one's life on earth ends, which leads me to this very important reflection: What kind of legacy am I leaving behind?
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Friday, October 19, 2012
25 randoms in 2012
1) If Henri Nouwen were alive today, I would fall in love with him (if I meet him and he likes me too, hiak hiak).
2) I am making my brain more balanced by using my left hand more.
3) My generation 4 non-coloured ipod is still working.
4) I thought about taking it with me to Phuket but changed my mind because I do not have a lot of time alone.
5) I can be an Aussie tour guide. I helped a stranger teacher do up a 2 week itinerary to Sydney and surrounds today.
6) I should be born an Australian.
7) My nose has only bled once since I used the anti- inflammatory nose spray.
8) I think my plan to check myself into hospital is gonna fail. :(
9) I feel a certain sense of security that my health insurance is fully covered.
10) I am working on my brother's health insurance.
11) I am thankful that my parents and my bro are saved!!!
12) I really like to take my family on a holiday.
13) Sometime, I forget that Cookie is a dog. She seems so human.
14) My hair needs maintenance soon.
15) I need retail therapy.
16) I like to be debt free in 2.5 years, god willing.
17) The first thing I like to do is to go for Hillsong Conference.
18) The next thing I like to do is to experience Spring and Autumn.
19) I am desperately wanting to use my LDS but can't find anything to use it on.
20) I feel smarter if I read the newspaper for that day.
21) I feel wiser if I read the bible that day.
22) I heard many bad things about the English HOD who's coming in next year. I am thankful I am in the PE department.
23) I came out to another of my classmate taking the Masters Programme (total 3 now).
24) I am exhausted and wish I can be bedridden for 1 week.
25) I think this post is boring. I think I grow more boring the older I get. :(
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2) I am making my brain more balanced by using my left hand more.
3) My generation 4 non-coloured ipod is still working.
4) I thought about taking it with me to Phuket but changed my mind because I do not have a lot of time alone.
5) I can be an Aussie tour guide. I helped a stranger teacher do up a 2 week itinerary to Sydney and surrounds today.
6) I should be born an Australian.
7) My nose has only bled once since I used the anti- inflammatory nose spray.
8) I think my plan to check myself into hospital is gonna fail. :(
9) I feel a certain sense of security that my health insurance is fully covered.
10) I am working on my brother's health insurance.
11) I am thankful that my parents and my bro are saved!!!
12) I really like to take my family on a holiday.
13) Sometime, I forget that Cookie is a dog. She seems so human.
14) My hair needs maintenance soon.
15) I need retail therapy.
16) I like to be debt free in 2.5 years, god willing.
17) The first thing I like to do is to go for Hillsong Conference.
18) The next thing I like to do is to experience Spring and Autumn.
19) I am desperately wanting to use my LDS but can't find anything to use it on.
20) I feel smarter if I read the newspaper for that day.
21) I feel wiser if I read the bible that day.
22) I heard many bad things about the English HOD who's coming in next year. I am thankful I am in the PE department.
23) I came out to another of my classmate taking the Masters Programme (total 3 now).
24) I am exhausted and wish I can be bedridden for 1 week.
25) I think this post is boring. I think I grow more boring the older I get. :(
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Thursday, October 18, 2012
Solitude in meditation
So many people, including Henri Nouwen, have recommended meditation as a form of deep communication with God. I believe in contemplating on the word of God, meditating, chewing on the word of God, waiting for God to speak to me. But to ask me to sit in silence and wait is not exactly my cup of tea.
I have a different idea of solitude. My definition of solitude is a restedness in God's presence. It is when my mind, heart and soul tune in to God's voice. This may happen in the solitude of silence for many but I believe it can happen in the solitude of that moment when I am alone with God, even in the presence of "distractors".
The deepest level of connection I have with God is when I am wrapped in that bubble with him. For me, that can happen with worship music playing in the background or even in the foreground. It can happen in a sermon. It can happen when I am praying with and for someone. It does happen when I am really really alone as well.
It is solitude for me as long as God and I are inside the bubble communicating even if there distractors outside of the bubble.
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I wanna write write write
Does not all creativity ask for a certain encounter with our loneliness, and does not the fear of this encounter severely limit our possible self expression? - Henri N.
Yes yes yes, it does!! I am longing and praying for that extended period of time when I can just sit and seek God and give the space for all His inspiration to flow through all my writings. Prose is starting to bore. Yet prose can be more beautiful than poetry. I want to write both. Rawrrrerrrressssssssss! God willing, in 3 years! In 2015 mid year! When I am 36.5 years old.
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Wednesday, October 17, 2012
a Noahide
and so I met one yesterday and spoke to him a bit more about his beliefs. He's the teacher sitting opposite me. Once he started talking, my gaydar sounded. He must be gay, I thought. He's a atypical gay man in terms of physique though. Haha. He even brought the Torah today and I think it's for the reason of engaging and "educating" me about his faith but I didn't feel like engaging him on his beliefs so I didn't ask him what he was reason. It was also because I was partly distracted by the pretty PE teacher but of course, I was mostly concentrating on marking well. haha.
This is a brief summary from Wiki about them and their faith:
In Judaism, the Seven Laws of Noah form the major part of the Noachide Laws.
According to religious Judaism, any non-Jew who adheres to these laws is regarded as a righteous gentile, and is assured of a place in the World to Come (Olam Haba), the final reward of the righteous.
The seven laws listed by the Tosefta and the Talmud are:
1.Prohibition of Idolatry
2.Prohibition of Murder
3.Prohibition of Theft
4.Prohibition of Sexual immorality
5.Prohibition of Blasphemy
6.Prohibition of eating flesh taken from an animal while it is still alive
7.Establishment of courts of law
Noachide Laws comprise the six laws which were given to Adam in the Garden of Eden, according to the Talmud's interpretation of Gen 2:16,[8] and a seventh one, which was added after the Flood of Noah. Later, at the Revelation at Sinai, the Seven Laws of Noah were re-given to humanity and embedded in the 613 Laws given to the Children of Israel along with the Ten Commandments, which are part of, and not separate from, the 613 mitzvot. These laws are derived from the Torah. According to religious Judaism, the 613 mitzvot or "commandments" given in the written Torah, as well as their reasonings in the oral Torah, were issued to the Jews only, and are therefore binding only upon them, having inherited the obligation from their ancestors. At the same time, at Mount Sinai, the Children of Israel were given the obligation to teach other nations the embedded Noachide Laws.
Summary: They don't believe that Jesus is God. And they believe that Jesus is the false prophet that the bible was talking about. So OMG right? Am I gonna engag tomorrow? Will pray.
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This is a brief summary from Wiki about them and their faith:
In Judaism, the Seven Laws of Noah form the major part of the Noachide Laws.
According to religious Judaism, any non-Jew who adheres to these laws is regarded as a righteous gentile, and is assured of a place in the World to Come (Olam Haba), the final reward of the righteous.
The seven laws listed by the Tosefta and the Talmud are:
1.Prohibition of Idolatry
2.Prohibition of Murder
3.Prohibition of Theft
4.Prohibition of Sexual immorality
5.Prohibition of Blasphemy
6.Prohibition of eating flesh taken from an animal while it is still alive
7.Establishment of courts of law
Noachide Laws comprise the six laws which were given to Adam in the Garden of Eden, according to the Talmud's interpretation of Gen 2:16,[8] and a seventh one, which was added after the Flood of Noah. Later, at the Revelation at Sinai, the Seven Laws of Noah were re-given to humanity and embedded in the 613 Laws given to the Children of Israel along with the Ten Commandments, which are part of, and not separate from, the 613 mitzvot. These laws are derived from the Torah. According to religious Judaism, the 613 mitzvot or "commandments" given in the written Torah, as well as their reasonings in the oral Torah, were issued to the Jews only, and are therefore binding only upon them, having inherited the obligation from their ancestors. At the same time, at Mount Sinai, the Children of Israel were given the obligation to teach other nations the embedded Noachide Laws.
Summary: They don't believe that Jesus is God. And they believe that Jesus is the false prophet that the bible was talking about. So OMG right? Am I gonna engag tomorrow? Will pray.
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blogging spree..
i am on... but I got to stop for now though there are three more outstanding posts!!
Got to fulfill my duty right now.
Laterz.
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Got to fulfill my duty right now.
Laterz.
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being centred
So I couldn't remember what I was thinking of but my memory was triggered back to the time when I had met with the second person on Fridae.
I remembered we had a good time sharing over coffee. After coffee, she asked me how I found our meeting, which I found odd because it was an unusual question to ask immediately after we met. I told her I felt comfortable talking with her. I guess we started a friendship then. Our meetups were irregular and random but we did manage to share quite a bit with each other. After all, when we have just come out to ourselves and the world, we do have a lot to process with people we can be out to..
However, we stopped keeping in touch over time because she realized that I was a common friend of this gal, who, according to her, had "stolen" her ex-gf from her. Even though the relationship had ended 2-3 years before, she still felt so much anger that she still teared when she shared about it. Sadly, at that time, I was struggling with my second relationship and had no capacity to follow up with her. At that time, I found her anger to be unnecessary since the relationship ended 2-3 years before (of course I didn't tell her that). I was insensitive to not acknowledge her emotions and follow through with her then.
In the past month, there were twice I was late for my appointment (massage appt and something else I can't remember) because of traffic jams. I was driving and very frustrated with the traffic. Though I had a lovely companion seated beside me, chatting with me, my entire being was consumed by the frustration of being late that I gave little attention to the person I was with.
That reminded me of some people I know, who are at the moment, struggling with different aspects of their lives. It could be their sexuality they are struggling with, their conflict of their beliefs and their sexuality, their perpetual obsession with a new crush, baggage they struggled with their past loves, the desire to get attached, the search for a fulfilled life through earthly means... things that consumed our capacity to give to others.
It is then I was reminded on how it is important to feel in control of our situations and be able to let God deal with our issues, or even better, to centre ourselves on the grace of God, having faith that He has the best for us, that we do not need to worry, that all we need to do is to sit at his feet, and rest in Him. And that rest will empower us with the wisdom, strength and discernment to make decisions that will lead to His glory shown and His purposes fulfilled.
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I remembered we had a good time sharing over coffee. After coffee, she asked me how I found our meeting, which I found odd because it was an unusual question to ask immediately after we met. I told her I felt comfortable talking with her. I guess we started a friendship then. Our meetups were irregular and random but we did manage to share quite a bit with each other. After all, when we have just come out to ourselves and the world, we do have a lot to process with people we can be out to..
However, we stopped keeping in touch over time because she realized that I was a common friend of this gal, who, according to her, had "stolen" her ex-gf from her. Even though the relationship had ended 2-3 years before, she still felt so much anger that she still teared when she shared about it. Sadly, at that time, I was struggling with my second relationship and had no capacity to follow up with her. At that time, I found her anger to be unnecessary since the relationship ended 2-3 years before (of course I didn't tell her that). I was insensitive to not acknowledge her emotions and follow through with her then.
In the past month, there were twice I was late for my appointment (massage appt and something else I can't remember) because of traffic jams. I was driving and very frustrated with the traffic. Though I had a lovely companion seated beside me, chatting with me, my entire being was consumed by the frustration of being late that I gave little attention to the person I was with.
That reminded me of some people I know, who are at the moment, struggling with different aspects of their lives. It could be their sexuality they are struggling with, their conflict of their beliefs and their sexuality, their perpetual obsession with a new crush, baggage they struggled with their past loves, the desire to get attached, the search for a fulfilled life through earthly means... things that consumed our capacity to give to others.
It is then I was reminded on how it is important to feel in control of our situations and be able to let God deal with our issues, or even better, to centre ourselves on the grace of God, having faith that He has the best for us, that we do not need to worry, that all we need to do is to sit at his feet, and rest in Him. And that rest will empower us with the wisdom, strength and discernment to make decisions that will lead to His glory shown and His purposes fulfilled.
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The amazing mind that God has given us
It's amazing how the mind works.
I could be thinking about something when I will suddenly realise that the origin of that thought was completely different and unrelated to the current one.
I could be walking along a stretch of shops, turn into one shop and after shopping for 5 minutes, subconsciously turn to walk in the right direction once I come out of the shop.
I could be walking towards the car and will start humming that piece of music I last heard without needing to recall which song it was before I left the car.
All these reminded me of the time when I was younger and how I had kept a dream journal by the bed. Whenever I wake from a dream, still in my stupor, I would open up the journal, write down what I had dreamt of, close the book and go back to sleep. When I woke and read back on what I had written, I did not even find my entry one bit familiar.
Some said dreams are a reflection and indication of what's in the subconscious. I will be curious to study my dreams again in time to come- when I have enough time to wake up, write and go back to bed again.
Now, I only have time to be woken by the alarm, snooze the alarm, sleep, snooze the alarm again, sleep, snooze the alarm again, sleep, crawl out of bed and out of the house in 10 minutes. :):
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I could be thinking about something when I will suddenly realise that the origin of that thought was completely different and unrelated to the current one.
I could be walking along a stretch of shops, turn into one shop and after shopping for 5 minutes, subconsciously turn to walk in the right direction once I come out of the shop.
I could be walking towards the car and will start humming that piece of music I last heard without needing to recall which song it was before I left the car.
All these reminded me of the time when I was younger and how I had kept a dream journal by the bed. Whenever I wake from a dream, still in my stupor, I would open up the journal, write down what I had dreamt of, close the book and go back to sleep. When I woke and read back on what I had written, I did not even find my entry one bit familiar.
Some said dreams are a reflection and indication of what's in the subconscious. I will be curious to study my dreams again in time to come- when I have enough time to wake up, write and go back to bed again.
Now, I only have time to be woken by the alarm, snooze the alarm, sleep, snooze the alarm again, sleep, snooze the alarm again, sleep, crawl out of bed and out of the house in 10 minutes. :):
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Fatty Bom bom
I was puzzled that I seemed to be putting on weight/feeling bloated because i didn't think I had consumed more calories than I had expended (although some may think otherwise). I even explored the reason that I was PMSsing but it was definitely not time yet.
The mystery weight gain was solved today! I found out that I might just be suffering from sympathetic PMS. Hur Hur.
Or maybe it's just my daily bar of Crunchie chocolate. Hiak Hiak.
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suicide
someone committed suicide by jumping down the block beside my school. I was hoping it wouldn't be the parent of one of the kids at school. And thankfully, it wasn't. I think it requires a lot of courage to jump. Even for those who aren't afraid of heights, surely looking down a block of flats will cause the heart to drop a bit? And how would anyone dare to put oneself up on the ledge and jump, knowing the pain they will face once they hit the ground.. They must really be really upset, depressed or desperate.. :( If I were to jump this way, I would have to be very drunk so I am not aware what's happening as I climb up to the ledge and push myself off. Why am I even thinking about this!
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Monday, October 15, 2012
bo liao
During my free moments this evening, I goggled Shenny to see what images appear on google.
So many pictures of Shane (in the L word) and her partners!!!! Then I googled Shen Leng. So many guys photos, andro photos and one naked woman's photo!!!!!!
Sigh. Shenny is not meant to be femme. She's meant to be an androgynous womaniser. boo.
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So many pictures of Shane (in the L word) and her partners!!!! Then I googled Shen Leng. So many guys photos, andro photos and one naked woman's photo!!!!!!
Sigh. Shenny is not meant to be femme. She's meant to be an androgynous womaniser. boo.
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Saturday, October 13, 2012
a broken spirit
my heart is still singing this song.
A broken spirit
And a contrite heart
You will not despise
You will not despise
You desire truth
In the inward parts
A broken spirit
and a contrite heart
Lord my heart is prone to wander
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord
Take and seal it
Seal it for
Your courts above
I am surrendered.
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A broken spirit
And a contrite heart
You will not despise
You will not despise
You desire truth
In the inward parts
A broken spirit
and a contrite heart
Lord my heart is prone to wander
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord
Take and seal it
Seal it for
Your courts above
I am surrendered.
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Friday, October 12, 2012
thankful
I am thankful that I can feel the presence of God.
I am thankful I feel connected to God.
I am thankful it is Friday.
I am thankful Les Fit is so happening.
I am thankful that I am home.
I am thankful I have my own room.
I am thankful I have my own laptop.
I am thankful I have time to blog!
I am thankful of my ability to eat.
I am thankful I can taste.
I am thankful for good food.
I am thankful that I can afford to get stuff without worrying too much about whether I am in lack of money or not.
I am thankful today's pay day!
I am thankful that I feel a lightness in my heart today.
I am thankful for the cool weather.
I am thankful I have some time to chill before dinner.
I am thankful I had 3 workout sessions this week.
I am thankful for my special friend. *muack*
I am thankful for my penpal.
I am thankful for people who pray.
I am thankful for my colleague whom I am out to and whom I feel comfortable with.
I am thankful I am able to contribute positively to the meeting today.
I am thankful for the meet ups this evening and tomorrow.
I am thankful for church.
I am thankful to come home and see everyone at home.
I am thankful I don't have to do chores.
I am thankful for my domestic helper.
I am thankful that Dad feels better today.
I am thankful he's able to feel more useful driving my sis to work and driving her home.
I am thankful that he received the renewal letter for insurance which will give him 6k to claim for his scans for next year.
I am thankful for the SBV place.
I am thankful for God's providence.
I am thankful for lovely people God has placed in my life.
I am thankful for the closeness between my kiddos and me.
I am thankful that they open up to me when I talk to them.
I am thankful for the hugs my Primary threes give me
I am thankful that I enjoy teaching.
I am thankful for that feeling of gratitude and love for God even as I typed out this list.
I am thankful.
THANK YOU GOD!
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I am thankful I feel connected to God.
I am thankful it is Friday.
I am thankful Les Fit is so happening.
I am thankful that I am home.
I am thankful I have my own room.
I am thankful I have my own laptop.
I am thankful I have time to blog!
I am thankful of my ability to eat.
I am thankful I can taste.
I am thankful for good food.
I am thankful that I can afford to get stuff without worrying too much about whether I am in lack of money or not.
I am thankful today's pay day!
I am thankful that I feel a lightness in my heart today.
I am thankful for the cool weather.
I am thankful I have some time to chill before dinner.
I am thankful I had 3 workout sessions this week.
I am thankful for my special friend. *muack*
I am thankful for my penpal.
I am thankful for people who pray.
I am thankful for my colleague whom I am out to and whom I feel comfortable with.
I am thankful I am able to contribute positively to the meeting today.
I am thankful for the meet ups this evening and tomorrow.
I am thankful for church.
I am thankful to come home and see everyone at home.
I am thankful I don't have to do chores.
I am thankful for my domestic helper.
I am thankful that Dad feels better today.
I am thankful he's able to feel more useful driving my sis to work and driving her home.
I am thankful that he received the renewal letter for insurance which will give him 6k to claim for his scans for next year.
I am thankful for the SBV place.
I am thankful for God's providence.
I am thankful for lovely people God has placed in my life.
I am thankful for the closeness between my kiddos and me.
I am thankful that they open up to me when I talk to them.
I am thankful for the hugs my Primary threes give me
I am thankful that I enjoy teaching.
I am thankful for that feeling of gratitude and love for God even as I typed out this list.
I am thankful.
THANK YOU GOD!
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Thursday, October 11, 2012
A broken spirit. A contrite heart.
Whilst contemplating the songs to pick for worship for the lushates, the song A Broken Spirit came to mind.
Juls had told me that the topic for that evening was about open hearts to God. And I found it strange why this song came to mind. Not that it was unrelated but what juls described in her message to me was the warm and fuzzy feeling that people get when they behold God, and be in awe of who He is; it starts positive and ends even more positive, like the kind of feeling one gets when one attends a certain megachurch. This song starts low and ends as a confession and then a petition to God to help us to seal our hearts for Him. Not ending at a high definitely.
I prepared the songsheet today anywayz, not completely understanding. As I was driving, I thought about the blessings that God has given me and felt extremely thankful, yet at the back of my mind, I could not help but to think about dad, who cabbed himself to hospital again today because he felt unwell.
I have become less chirpy since dad's diagnosis. I have my highs but they are followed by a low almost immediately. Dad's situation always feels like a thorn in my flesh that reminds me that not all is bright and perfect. Yet in this brokenness, I feel the depth of God's love even more, I feel anchored in how His presence has sustained me. This season of time has caused me to be more grounded, more centred (and more pensive). I had to go to God and surrender fully to Him because this situation is beyond my control.
Later, as I was practising the guitar in preparation for the session tonight, I realized how the song spoke my heart, and how the lyrics of this song point to the consecration of our hearts to God, so that, indeed, when we come before God in all our brokenness, when we are opened to His working through our surrender of our hearts to Him, that He comes, in his awesome love and grace, and envelopes us in His presence, and strengthens us, and blesses us.
This season is a challenging and difficult time. But I am trusting that this is only for a season, and perhaps a season of growth in my faith journey in the God I have always professed to trust.
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Monday, October 8, 2012
Mastery approach vs performance approach
Whilst studying the role of affect in student learning, research demonstrated that the mastery approach is a consistently better approach to learning than the performance approach. It is assumed that when you work towards the mastery approach, you will naturally be performing well.
It reminded me to be more aware of how I have to really engage with God when I read the bible and my devotionals. Often, the intention is right in wanting to be connected to God but in the midst of it, I get excited and want to share what I am reading with others. If I am not careful, I can easily slip into the "performance" mode; sharing to "perform" to others. However, using the same theory, if I work towards the mastery approach and truly just connect with God, I will naturally be performing well.
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It reminded me to be more aware of how I have to really engage with God when I read the bible and my devotionals. Often, the intention is right in wanting to be connected to God but in the midst of it, I get excited and want to share what I am reading with others. If I am not careful, I can easily slip into the "performance" mode; sharing to "perform" to others. However, using the same theory, if I work towards the mastery approach and truly just connect with God, I will naturally be performing well.
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overstimulated today
Conation is a term that stems from the Latin conatus, meaning any natural tendency, impulse, striving, or directed effort. It is one of three parts of the mind, along with the affective and cognitive. In short, the cognitive part of the brain measures intelligence, the affective deals with emotions and the conative drives how one acts on those thoughts and feelings.
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Research answered my hypothesis
Anecdotal evidence: Not many people with high IQ has high EQ.
That's based on my observation with intelligent friends that I have.
Today, my lecturer shared research showing that play, not just solo play and imaginative play, but children who play with others tend to have higher emotional intelligence than those who do not play/play alone.
Correct mah. The highly intelligent people spend so much time on their books that they rarely play/play with friends. Therefore, they have lower EQ. ;P
Parents' fault again. Sigh.
I also learnt that some people's brains are just wired and built a certain way. There are ways to enhance the brain pathways but the hardware will always be there. We have to work very hard to change the software of our brains. That is if we want to change. Want the highway? Ask the creator of our brains for help lor.
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That's based on my observation with intelligent friends that I have.
Today, my lecturer shared research showing that play, not just solo play and imaginative play, but children who play with others tend to have higher emotional intelligence than those who do not play/play alone.
Correct mah. The highly intelligent people spend so much time on their books that they rarely play/play with friends. Therefore, they have lower EQ. ;P
Parents' fault again. Sigh.
I also learnt that some people's brains are just wired and built a certain way. There are ways to enhance the brain pathways but the hardware will always be there. We have to work very hard to change the software of our brains. That is if we want to change. Want the highway? Ask the creator of our brains for help lor.
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on a high today
This is the best time of my working life right now. This is the time when real teaching starts. I teach them about health in all aspects; physical, mental, emotional.. I teach them about things in the world that are important, that are exciting, that are funny.. I teach the kids how to play the guitar, I teach them the basics of card playing. I feel like I am preparing them for a new life, for their secondary school life.. for life beyond school..
And Reese got her new butt. All shiny and perfect again. :)
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And Reese got her new butt. All shiny and perfect again. :)
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such a relaxing weekend
it was a fabulous weekend, aside from the fact that it was a very expensive weekend though I think it was worth every cent spent.
rested heaps, read some, talked lots, foot-reflexologied once, played lots, ate lotsssss, shopped heaps! I felt very rested after this holidays.
I can't afford to do this every month though. Once only! A post PSLE treat in reward of the hard year 2012.
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rested heaps, read some, talked lots, foot-reflexologied once, played lots, ate lotsssss, shopped heaps! I felt very rested after this holidays.
I can't afford to do this every month though. Once only! A post PSLE treat in reward of the hard year 2012.
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Friday, October 5, 2012
being negative or being careful?
" As we are immersed in this negative attitude and have
grown up more in the shade than in the light, it is often difficult
for us to be positive and to see a glass as half full rather
than as half empty. Yet it is just this - the need to be optimistic
- that is the great challenge in our lives. We must
muster all our strength and energy to ignore the rain and the
damp and to delight in the colours of autumn, to appreciate
the beauty of the snow in winter without thinking of the
effort required to clear it, to wonder at the miracle of
reawakening nature in the spring without complaining of the
allergies that come with it, and to experience the pleasant
sensation of the warmth of the summer sun without worrying
too much about the gnats. Even the yellow colour of the
leaves in autumn can be seen in two different ways: as the
colour the leaves have taken from the summer sun to give
back to us in autumn or simply as a sign of the withering and
approaching death of the leaves."
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I do think I am a positive thinker.. but I don't believe that life is merely a journey of appreciating beauty as it is, but one of improvement and acting on things that protects lives so that these beautiful lives we are enjoying can last for a longer time? No? So interrreeeeesssssttiiinnnng wan.
But I guess this is what keeps me going in the long haul. Reaching for the skies, yet being prepared in case I fall, so it gives me strength to pick myself up and keep going. I guess that's why I am a realistic idealist rather than an idealist, but I guess also, I am easily contented and not ambitious. Oh whatever. :)
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grown up more in the shade than in the light, it is often difficult
for us to be positive and to see a glass as half full rather
than as half empty. Yet it is just this - the need to be optimistic
- that is the great challenge in our lives. We must
muster all our strength and energy to ignore the rain and the
damp and to delight in the colours of autumn, to appreciate
the beauty of the snow in winter without thinking of the
effort required to clear it, to wonder at the miracle of
reawakening nature in the spring without complaining of the
allergies that come with it, and to experience the pleasant
sensation of the warmth of the summer sun without worrying
too much about the gnats. Even the yellow colour of the
leaves in autumn can be seen in two different ways: as the
colour the leaves have taken from the summer sun to give
back to us in autumn or simply as a sign of the withering and
approaching death of the leaves."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I do think I am a positive thinker.. but I don't believe that life is merely a journey of appreciating beauty as it is, but one of improvement and acting on things that protects lives so that these beautiful lives we are enjoying can last for a longer time? No? So interrreeeeesssssttiiinnnng wan.
But I guess this is what keeps me going in the long haul. Reaching for the skies, yet being prepared in case I fall, so it gives me strength to pick myself up and keep going. I guess that's why I am a realistic idealist rather than an idealist, but I guess also, I am easily contented and not ambitious. Oh whatever. :)
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ranking
so it was time for the annual ranking.
A friend shared insider news that perhaps this school is not a good place to stay in. That means my ranking at work this year is not that good. How one is ranked is based on their CEP (current estimated potential) as well as how much we have performed above and beyond what we are paid to do as teachers because our rank determines our performance bonuses we will receive in year 2013.
By God's grace, I have been averaging a B since I came to this school, which to me, is very good given that my workload is 3/4 of a regular teachers' load. And the truth is, ranking doesn't matter to me as much as recognising what I have done and given to the kids. In my previous school, a friend, an EL HOD used to tell me that visibility is very important in teaching when they are ranking teachers. Till together, I disagree with that. Sometimes, doing things with the mindset to exhibit what you had done to others makes the task less meaningful. Maybe I am more intrinsically motivated, and maybe sometimes, doing what's good for the pupils may not necessarily come in a presentable form.
I know my CEP won't be high because I said no to my VP (nicely of course) when she asked me to take up this position in the PW department but I was a bit upset when I think that my other contributions are deemed as not important or sufficient (I don't know what the management think and say, and the insider gets an A grade occasionally (only one person per school gets A), so his standard of what constitutes a good grade may be skewed).
I was planning in my head what I would write to the managment next year if I get anything lower than a C grade; like how I am probably the only teacher who can manage and teach my current class of 36, that there are 4 HODs teaching my class Math and Sci (which means they only have maximum 20 pupils in their class) AND their results are not improving much, like how I am the only PE teacher in the PE department who ensures that what is done every year is brand new for the event I am placed in charged of (the rest just modifies the template from the previous years), and how I am the only one who invited an extraordinary guest for Motivational Day. Thinking about all these made me feel better. And made me think. What the heck. As long as my conscience is clear and God sees all that I do, that's good enough.
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A friend shared insider news that perhaps this school is not a good place to stay in. That means my ranking at work this year is not that good. How one is ranked is based on their CEP (current estimated potential) as well as how much we have performed above and beyond what we are paid to do as teachers because our rank determines our performance bonuses we will receive in year 2013.
By God's grace, I have been averaging a B since I came to this school, which to me, is very good given that my workload is 3/4 of a regular teachers' load. And the truth is, ranking doesn't matter to me as much as recognising what I have done and given to the kids. In my previous school, a friend, an EL HOD used to tell me that visibility is very important in teaching when they are ranking teachers. Till together, I disagree with that. Sometimes, doing things with the mindset to exhibit what you had done to others makes the task less meaningful. Maybe I am more intrinsically motivated, and maybe sometimes, doing what's good for the pupils may not necessarily come in a presentable form.
I know my CEP won't be high because I said no to my VP (nicely of course) when she asked me to take up this position in the PW department but I was a bit upset when I think that my other contributions are deemed as not important or sufficient (I don't know what the management think and say, and the insider gets an A grade occasionally (only one person per school gets A), so his standard of what constitutes a good grade may be skewed).
I was planning in my head what I would write to the managment next year if I get anything lower than a C grade; like how I am probably the only teacher who can manage and teach my current class of 36, that there are 4 HODs teaching my class Math and Sci (which means they only have maximum 20 pupils in their class) AND their results are not improving much, like how I am the only PE teacher in the PE department who ensures that what is done every year is brand new for the event I am placed in charged of (the rest just modifies the template from the previous years), and how I am the only one who invited an extraordinary guest for Motivational Day. Thinking about all these made me feel better. And made me think. What the heck. As long as my conscience is clear and God sees all that I do, that's good enough.
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DAD
So dad and mum went for their movie date yesterday. It's a good start. Thursday shall be their regular movie date night. Dad also drove my sister and mum to their respective venues. My sister said he looked happy. He should be, because his usefulness and meaning in life before was working, and sending my mum and bro to and fro places. I am sure it was tiring for him though. He took a nap after sending my sis and mum.
Sunday service, Monday follow ups, Tuesday visits by his sisters, and Thursday movie nights seems okay for now I think.
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Sunday service, Monday follow ups, Tuesday visits by his sisters, and Thursday movie nights seems okay for now I think.
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Post PSLE programmes
It was a good day with the kiddos. I think they had fun during the class party yesterday. They were given lots of freedom to play the music they liked, they danced in class, walked around while they ate the yummy pizza and wings.
I am not keen to take them out on their learning journeys though knowing how "carefree" they can be. Perhaps I should just take medical leave and let my Math HOD take the entire class. It's time she takes the entire calss of 38 and know how it feels like. Currently, she takes just 14 of them and thinks they are not a bad bunch to teach.
What do I do during these six weeks now that their exams are over? Some heart to heart talks for sure. I am also planning to give them 10 hours of guitar lessons so they are equipped to play songs with basic chords. I will share with them how to fill up departure and arrival cards (something I had difficulty filling in even in my 20s!). I am planning to teach them how to play bridge and the big two. I taught them how to play heart attack yesterday and they enjoyed it. Healthy games that they can play during gatherings so they don't get bored and do naughty stuff. I am just transferring as much knowledge to them as I can during these six weeks before I release them. :).
Will miss them but praying that all will graduate.
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I am not keen to take them out on their learning journeys though knowing how "carefree" they can be. Perhaps I should just take medical leave and let my Math HOD take the entire class. It's time she takes the entire calss of 38 and know how it feels like. Currently, she takes just 14 of them and thinks they are not a bad bunch to teach.
What do I do during these six weeks now that their exams are over? Some heart to heart talks for sure. I am also planning to give them 10 hours of guitar lessons so they are equipped to play songs with basic chords. I will share with them how to fill up departure and arrival cards (something I had difficulty filling in even in my 20s!). I am planning to teach them how to play bridge and the big two. I taught them how to play heart attack yesterday and they enjoyed it. Healthy games that they can play during gatherings so they don't get bored and do naughty stuff. I am just transferring as much knowledge to them as I can during these six weeks before I release them. :).
Will miss them but praying that all will graduate.
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