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Optimism Bias

This term- I learnt for the first time in my course. Most humans are positive that the worse case scenario won't happen to them no matter how pessimistic they are. That is the reason why people engage in dangerous activities and pick up habits that could be life-threatening; they think they will not be the unfortunate one who will die, who will get cancer, etc.

In helping people overcome addictions or in helping them lead a fulfilled life/less reckless life, counselors have to sometimes remove this optimism bias from people to let them know that "hey, this could possibly happen to you."

In the newspapers today, I came across two articles that displayed the dangers of optimism bias. One of them is this guy in the States who refused to listen to instructions to be evacuated from an area which would be affected by Hurricane Sandy. Though he remained safe, it was really thoughtless of him not to take the advice to move, both for the sale of the rescue team, his family members and himself. Why did he not move? He was sure that he would not be affected by Hurricane Sandy. Then another newspaper article was about this stoopid mum who put her two year old son on the railings of the wild dogs enclosure thinking that he wouldn't fall over. Within seconds, he did, and was mauled to death by 11 wild dogs. Sigh.

How to draw the line between being wise and being too safe? No time to think too much yet. Next post perhaps.
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one last post before I start on my assignment

One comment that TCT made  after our presentation was this: " What a nice and kind teacher that is. " (talking about me because I was acting as a role of a teacher) then she went on and said that the teacher could actually draw on what the student was sharing and make it a turn around point so that intervention could be more effective.

It's true, and I have always recognised that, whilst I can be the person whom people feel comfortable opening up with, feel safe with, I often find that I lack the follow through which could help them better solve their problems. I used to atttribute that to the reason why I am not a counselor in profession.

It's also true, that whilst compassion is important in getting people to open up and share their struggles and hearts, whilst sometimes, people just really want to be heard, but we can also, dependent on the situation, play a pivotal role in empowering them to change, simply by drawing on what they share, on their helplessness about a situation and pointing them to the right direction. Easier said than done. Definitely needs lots of experience, skill, and god-given wisdom. Dear God, please help me in this area. Amen!!!!

That's why she's crushable material (to me). hahaha. Time to start on my assignment!
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a revision of my tennis post

I wrote this 2 years ago:

Hit me a good ball,

I will return nicely.

Hit me a bad ball

the ball misses my sweet spot

if only the ball hits the sweet spot

then we can rally.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two years later, I got something to add:  

Hit me a good ball,

I will return nicely.

Hit me a bad ball

the ball misses my sweet spot

if only the ball hits the sweet spot

then we can rally.

But I can move  

so your ball hits my sweet spot  

And we can still rally. 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

hahaha.. I really got to start doing my assignment.
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my lecturer still fascinates me

she's totally crushable material according to me (and me only). That's why my taste is always doubted. Lol. Not many people like the things I like and the people I like.

Anywayz, this was after she totally polished up our 30% presentation last night. It made me feel like we won't get the A we wanted, but what she shared was totally relevant and totally displayed the amount of depth and wisdom that she have in her.

Why am I re- fascinated with her? I know she's really smart, but I know she's really maladjusted in some way too, perhaps still on the journey to that stage of self-actualization. She's not just intellectually intelligent, her passion in pursuing unconditional love and happiness in life is also very admirable. This mix of intelligence and vulnerability fascinates me; She thinks aloud in class, randomly saying things that actually need not be said, and fellow classmates would look at one another thinking: "What a weird person she is, why on earth is she saying what she is saying?" I am in awe of that mix of contradiction that I see in her. She's totally smart, authentic (maybe too authentic) and extremely humble.

At the end of the day, while walking to the car with my classmate, in silence, still thinking about what went on in class, she, a fellow believer, asked me, " Isn't it amazing how someone with a different faith can see  things with such similar perspectives as us? I know. (By now, we have confirmed that she's Baha). I told her that God has made everyone  in His image, and that He has made us to have a conscience, his heart and his character. Moreover, the Bahai faith came after Christianity, Islam, Buddhism and other main religons of Singapore. They could take the best of everything and mash it up to make it Bahai. Whatever it is, it's really the fruit that's produced that really gives value to the faith. Such a good reminder for me too: how much of the fruit of the Spirit do I possess? And how much fruit am I bearing?

And I took medical leave today. I didn't know how exhausted I was till I lay in bed last night. It was really impossible to wake at 6a.m. this morning. Time to see the doc. And start on the 60% assignment.
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We are not a work in progress, but a work in faithfulness

the gospel, the good news - I have always seen it as a noun, something to be shared at a certain point in time to someone.

Peter Gomes said this:

"We are not a work in progrss but a work in faithfulness, and what we strive for and seek in Christ, that peace and security of the full and abundant life, sustains us even as we search for it. That is why they call it the gospel, the good news, and that is why and how it works."

the gospel, the good news, once shared with us, brings us through life. That is the good news, not just a news to tell us about our salvation, but one that sustains us, even when we go through life's challenges.

Perhaps our salvation is also a journey. We never know till we meet Jesus face to face, right?
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one sobering fact and one good news

after meeting up with my financial advisor, a friend after 3 years of not seeing her, I learnt that I should probably be watching my finances more tightly. If not for the fact that the mortgage is paid for via CPF and that there is rental money coming in from the new place, I would have been in the red. Even though my contribution to my parents and the household has increased by more than threefold, there are certain ways to reduce my spending.

My short term plan for the next 6 months is this:

No weekend travels.
No purchase of unnecessary stuff (electronic gadgets, clothes, bags, etc).
No buying of alcohol (except if it's Absolut collectible)
No eating at cafes/restaurants more than three meals a week.

The good news is, my CPF OA investment  is enough to pay my mortage for the next 5 years even if I do not work. I thought the purchase of the new place almost wiped my CPF OA dry. Hidden money is good sometimes.
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I finally conquered SBV Road!

It was 1.4 km uphill and 1.4 km downhill. I never thought I could manage that jog. Many thanks to my co-runner and motivator! :)

Whilst jogging downhill by myself (while the crazy one kept running through the park), some thoughts came to mind.

The thought of jogging uphill was daunting; I imagined a steep slope, my knees hurting, and my back aching.. I had prepared to walk before I even started the jog. It didn't seem that difficult as I did that step by step. I didn't even know that I was jogging upslope many times. And because of that, I thought the run down would not be entirely downhill (no ups means no downs right?). But I was wrong, it was truly a downhill run, which ended the run so pleasantly. I couldn't see the upslope because I was merely concentrating on my next step.


It's the same with our own spiritual journey, I think. While it is true that we want to plan and think ahead, we do not want to be bog down by the worries construed by our thoughts about the future. God gives us sufficient grace to live the day, and hence, we really should not worry too much about the future, but just walk in step with Him. Worrying too much about the future only makes the journey more daunting. So not helpful at all. Then again, I can only do things like that once or twice a year, like the 10km jog. Hehe

I also learnt something new about myself through the run. When I was not able to see the end, it was easier to keep going. When my running mate said "I think we have another 3 corners more to reach the top. You are doing well, keep going! ". I felt like stopping. It's like that whenever I am on the treadmill too. I try to cover the time and distance with my towel and just run. I often feel that the run's tedious whenever I am counting down because my focus will be on the time and distance covered. I will be thinking: "How much more before I finish?" I am still trying to figure that part of me out. Maybe it's related to how I am often excited about new projects and start planning way in advance, but once the structure is in place, I often had to wait till the last minute before putting in the details. hehe. Will think more about this when I have more time.  Ciaoz.
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Re: Eternal life

I have always seen eternal life to be a phase after life on earth ends; when my physical body dies, my spiritual body, the soul, gets to spend eternity with God. And isn't that what we tell prebelievers too? That when we receive Jesus into our lives, we have eternal life.That is true, but what if eternal life is more than just life after death? 

Henri, my latest human/non human idol says it very aptly: "eternal life is life in and with God, and God is where I am here and now. It is the divine indwelling that is eternal life. It is the active presence of God at the centre of my living- the movement of God's Spirit within us- that gives us the eternal life."

Therefore, I think, eternal life in heaven, is a continuation of our present life with God after our time on earth ends. That when they say there is eternal life after death, they mean death as not a physical death but the death of self to the lordship of God. 

Henri's life reminds me, that indeed, fruitfulness of one's life is much more visible only after one's life on earth ends, which leads me to this very important reflection: What kind of legacy am I leaving behind?
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25 randoms in 2012

1) If Henri Nouwen were alive today, I would fall in love with him (if I meet him and he likes me too, hiak hiak).
2) I am making my brain more balanced by using my left hand more.
3) My generation 4 non-coloured ipod is still working.
4) I thought about taking it with me to Phuket but changed my mind because I do not have a lot of time alone.
5) I can be an Aussie tour guide. I helped a stranger teacher do up a 2 week itinerary to Sydney and surrounds today.
6) I should be born an Australian.
7) My nose has only bled once since I used the anti- inflammatory nose spray.
8) I think my plan to check myself into hospital is gonna fail. :(
9) I feel a certain sense of security that my health insurance is fully covered.
10) I am working on my brother's health insurance.
11) I am thankful that my parents and my bro are saved!!!
12) I really like to take my family on a holiday.
13) Sometime, I forget that Cookie is a dog. She seems so human.
14) My hair needs maintenance soon.
15) I need retail therapy.
16) I like to be debt free in 2.5 years, god willing.
17) The first thing I like to do is to go for Hillsong Conference.
18) The next thing I like to do is to experience Spring and Autumn.
19) I am desperately wanting to use my LDS but can't find anything to use it on.
20) I feel smarter if I read the newspaper for that day.
21) I feel wiser if I read the bible that day.
22) I heard many bad things about the English HOD who's coming in next year. I am thankful I am in the PE department.
23) I came out to another of my classmate taking the Masters Programme (total 3 now).
24) I am exhausted and wish I can be bedridden for 1 week.
25) I think this post is boring. I think I grow more boring the older I get. :(
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Solitude in meditation

So many people, including Henri Nouwen, have recommended meditation as a form of deep communication with God. I believe in contemplating on the word of God, meditating, chewing on the word of God, waiting for God to speak to me. But to ask me to sit in silence and wait is not exactly my cup of tea.

I am not quite sure how solitude (in terms of complete silence/placing oneself in a quiet place) is necessary in experiencing the depth of connection to God in these times. 

I have a different idea of solitude. My definition of solitude is a restedness in God's presence. It is when my mind, heart and soul tune in to God's voice. This may happen in the solitude of silence for many but I believe it can happen in the solitude of that moment when I am alone with God, even in the presence of "distractors".

The deepest level of connection I have with God is when I am wrapped in that bubble with him. For me, that can happen with worship music playing in the background or even in the foreground. It can happen in a sermon. It can happen when I am praying with and for someone. It does happen when I am really really alone as well.

It is solitude for me as long as God and I are inside the bubble communicating even if there distractors outside of the bubble.

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I wanna write write write

Does not all creativity ask for a certain encounter with our loneliness, and does not the fear of this encounter severely limit our possible self expression? - Henri N.

Yes yes yes, it does!! I am longing and praying for that extended period of time when I can just sit and seek God and give the space for all His inspiration to flow through all my writings. Prose is starting to bore. Yet prose can be more beautiful than poetry. I want to write both. Rawrrrerrrressssssssss! God willing, in 3 years! In 2015 mid year! When I am 36.5 years old.
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a Noahide

and so I met one yesterday and spoke to him a bit more about his beliefs. He's the teacher sitting opposite me. Once he started talking, my gaydar sounded. He must be gay, I thought. He's a atypical gay man in terms of physique though. Haha. He even brought the Torah today and I think it's for the reason of engaging and   "educating" me about his faith but I didn't feel like engaging him on his beliefs so I didn't ask him what he was reason. It was also because I was partly distracted by the pretty PE teacher but of course, I was mostly concentrating on marking well. haha.

This is a brief summary from Wiki about them and their faith:

In Judaism, the Seven Laws of Noah form the major part of the Noachide Laws.

According to religious Judaism, any non-Jew who adheres to these laws is regarded as a righteous gentile, and is assured of a place in the World to Come (Olam Haba), the final reward of the righteous.
The seven laws listed by the Tosefta and the Talmud are:
1.Prohibition of Idolatry

2.Prohibition of Murder

3.Prohibition of Theft

4.Prohibition of Sexual immorality

5.Prohibition of Blasphemy

6.Prohibition of eating flesh taken from an animal while it is still alive

7.Establishment of courts of law

Noachide Laws comprise the six laws which were given to Adam in the Garden of Eden, according to the Talmud's interpretation of Gen 2:16,[8] and a seventh one, which was added after the Flood of Noah. Later, at the Revelation at Sinai, the Seven Laws of Noah were re-given to humanity and embedded in the 613 Laws given to the Children of Israel along with the Ten Commandments, which are part of, and not separate from, the 613 mitzvot. These laws are derived from the Torah. According to religious Judaism, the 613 mitzvot or "commandments" given in the written Torah, as well as their reasonings in the oral Torah, were issued to the Jews only, and are therefore binding only upon them, having inherited the obligation from their ancestors. At the same time, at Mount Sinai, the Children of Israel were given the obligation to teach other nations the embedded Noachide Laws.

Summary: They don't believe that Jesus is God. And they believe that Jesus is the false prophet that the bible was talking about. So OMG right? Am I gonna engag tomorrow? Will pray.
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blogging spree..

i am on... but I got to stop for now though there are three more outstanding posts!!

Got to fulfill my duty right now.

Laterz.
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being centred

So I couldn't remember what I was thinking of but my memory was triggered back to the time when I had met with the second person on Fridae.

I remembered we had a good time sharing over coffee. After coffee, she asked me how I found our meeting, which I found odd because it was an unusual question to ask immediately after we met. I told her I felt comfortable talking with her. I guess we started a friendship then. Our meetups were irregular and random but we did manage to share quite a bit with each other. After all, when we have just come out to ourselves and the world, we do have a lot to process with people we can be out to..

However, we stopped keeping in touch over time because she realized that I was a common friend of this gal, who, according to her, had "stolen" her ex-gf from her. Even though the relationship had ended 2-3 years before, she still felt so much anger that she still teared when she shared about it. Sadly, at that time, I was struggling with my second relationship and had no capacity to follow up with her. At that time, I found her anger to be unnecessary since the relationship ended 2-3 years before (of course I didn't tell her that). I was insensitive to not acknowledge her emotions and follow through with her then.

In the past month, there were twice I was late for my appointment (massage appt and something else I can't remember) because of traffic jams. I was driving and very frustrated with the traffic. Though I had a lovely companion seated beside me, chatting with me, my entire being was consumed by the frustration of being late that I gave little attention to the person I was with.

That reminded me of some people I know, who are at the moment, struggling with different aspects of their lives. It could be their sexuality they are struggling with, their conflict of their beliefs and their sexuality, their perpetual obsession with a new crush, baggage they struggled with their past loves, the desire to get attached, the search for a fulfilled life through earthly means... things that consumed our capacity to give to others.

It is then I was reminded on how it is important to feel in control of our situations and be able to let God deal with our issues, or even better, to centre ourselves on the grace of God, having faith that He has the best for us, that we do not need to worry, that all we need to do is to sit at his feet, and rest in Him. And that rest will empower us with the wisdom, strength and discernment to make decisions that will lead to His glory shown and His purposes fulfilled.
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The amazing mind that God has given us

It's amazing how the mind works.

I could be thinking about something when I will suddenly realise that the origin of that thought was completely different and unrelated to the current one.

I could be walking along a stretch of shops, turn into one shop and after shopping for 5 minutes, subconsciously turn to walk in the right direction once I come out of the shop.

I could be walking towards the car and will start humming that piece of music I last heard without needing to recall which song it was before I left the car.

All these reminded me of the time when I was younger and how I had kept a dream journal by the bed. Whenever I wake from a dream, still in my stupor, I would open up the journal, write down what I had dreamt of, close the book and go back to sleep. When I woke and read back on what I had written, I did not even find my entry one bit familiar.

Some said dreams are a reflection and indication of what's in the subconscious. I will be curious to study my dreams again in time to come- when I have enough time to wake up, write and go back to bed again.

Now, I only have time to be woken by the alarm, snooze the alarm, sleep, snooze the alarm again, sleep, snooze the alarm again, sleep, crawl out of bed and out of the house in 10 minutes. :):
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Fatty Bom bom

I was puzzled that I seemed to be putting on weight/feeling bloated because i didn't think I had consumed more calories than I had expended (although some may think otherwise). I even explored the reason that I was PMSsing but it was definitely not time yet.

The mystery weight gain was solved today! I found out that I might just be suffering from sympathetic PMS. Hur Hur. 

Or maybe it's just my daily bar of Crunchie chocolate. Hiak Hiak. 

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suicide

someone committed suicide by jumping down the block beside my school. I was hoping it wouldn't be the parent of one of the kids at school. And thankfully, it wasn't. I think it requires a lot of courage to jump. Even for those who aren't afraid of heights, surely looking down a block of flats will cause the heart to drop a bit? And how would anyone dare to put oneself up on the ledge and jump, knowing the pain they will face once they hit the ground.. They must really be really upset, depressed or desperate.. :( If I were to jump this way, I would have to be very drunk so I am not aware what's happening as I climb up to the ledge and push myself off. Why am I even thinking about this!
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bo liao

During my free moments this evening, I goggled Shenny to see what images appear on google.

So many pictures of Shane (in the L word) and her partners!!!! Then I googled Shen Leng. So many guys photos, andro photos and one naked woman's photo!!!!!!

Sigh. Shenny is not meant to be femme. She's meant to be an androgynous womaniser. boo.
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a broken spirit

my heart is still singing this song.

A broken spirit
And a contrite heart
You will not despise
You will not despise

You desire truth
In the inward parts
A broken spirit
and a contrite heart

Lord my heart is prone to wander
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord
Take and seal it
Seal it for
Your courts above

I am surrendered.
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thankful

I am thankful that I can feel the presence of God.
I am thankful I feel connected to God.
I am thankful it is Friday.
I am thankful Les Fit is so happening.
I am thankful that I am home.
I am thankful I have my own room.
I am thankful I have my own laptop.
I am thankful I have time to blog!
I am thankful of my ability to eat.
I am thankful I can taste.
I am thankful for good food.
I am thankful that I can afford to get stuff without worrying too much about whether I am in lack of money or not.
I am thankful today's pay day!
I am thankful that I feel a lightness in my heart today.
I am thankful for the cool weather.
I am thankful I have some time to chill before dinner.
I am thankful I had 3 workout sessions this week.
I am thankful for my special friend. *muack*
I am thankful for my penpal.
I am thankful for people who pray.
I am thankful for my colleague whom I am out to and whom I feel comfortable with.
I am thankful I am able to contribute positively to the meeting today.
I am thankful for the meet ups this evening and tomorrow.
I am thankful for church.
I am thankful to come home and see everyone at home.
I am thankful I don't have to do chores.
I am thankful for my domestic helper.
I am thankful that Dad feels better today.
I am thankful he's able to feel more useful driving my sis to work and driving her home.
I am thankful that  he received the renewal letter for insurance which will give him 6k to claim for his scans for next year.
I am thankful for the SBV place.
I am thankful for God's providence.
I am thankful for lovely people God has placed in my life.
I am thankful for the closeness between my kiddos and me.
I am thankful that they open up to me when I talk to them.
I am thankful for the hugs my Primary threes give me
I am thankful that I enjoy teaching.
I am thankful for that feeling of gratitude and love for God even as I typed out this list.
I am thankful.
THANK YOU GOD!
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A broken spirit. A contrite heart.

Whilst contemplating the songs to pick for worship for the lushates, the song A Broken Spirit came to mind. 

Juls had told me that the topic for that evening was about open hearts to God. And I found it strange why this song came to mind. Not that it was unrelated but what juls described in her message to me was the warm and fuzzy feeling that people get when they behold God, and be in awe of who He is; it starts positive and ends even more positive, like the kind of feeling one gets when one attends a certain megachurch. This song starts low and ends as a confession and then a petition to God to help us to seal our hearts for Him. Not ending at a high definitely.

I prepared the songsheet today anywayz, not completely understanding. As I was driving, I thought about the blessings that God has given me and felt extremely thankful, yet at the back of my mind, I could not help but to think about dad, who cabbed himself to hospital again today because he felt unwell. 

I have become less chirpy since dad's diagnosis. I have my highs but they are followed by a low almost immediately. Dad's situation always feels like a thorn in my flesh that reminds me that not all is bright and perfect. Yet in this brokenness, I feel the depth of God's love even more, I feel anchored in how His presence has sustained me. This season of time has caused me to be more grounded, more centred (and more pensive). I had to go to God and surrender fully to Him because this situation is beyond my control. 

Later, as I was practising the guitar in preparation for the session tonight, I realized how the song spoke my heart, and how the lyrics of this song point to the consecration of our hearts to God, so that, indeed, when we come before God in all our brokenness, when we are opened to His working through our surrender of our hearts to Him, that He comes, in his awesome love and grace, and envelopes us in His presence, and strengthens us, and blesses us.

This season is a challenging and difficult time. But I am trusting that this is only for a season, and perhaps a season of growth in my faith journey in the God I have always professed to trust.

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Mastery approach vs performance approach

Whilst studying the role of affect in student learning, research demonstrated that the mastery approach is a consistently better approach to learning than the performance approach. It is assumed that when you work towards the mastery approach, you will naturally be performing well.

It reminded me to be more aware of how I have to really engage with God when I read the bible and my devotionals. Often, the intention is right in wanting to be connected to God but in the midst of it, I get excited and want to share what I am reading with others. If I am not careful, I can easily slip into the "performance" mode; sharing to "perform" to others. However, using the same theory, if I work towards the mastery approach and truly just connect with God, I will naturally be performing well.
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overstimulated today

Conation is a term that stems from the Latin conatus, meaning any natural tendency, impulse, striving, or directed effort. It is one of three parts of the mind, along with the affective and cognitive. In short, the cognitive part of the brain measures intelligence, the affective deals with emotions and the conative drives how one acts on those thoughts and feelings.
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Research answered my hypothesis

Anecdotal evidence: Not many people with high IQ has high EQ.

That's based on my observation with intelligent friends that I have.

Today, my lecturer shared research showing that play, not just solo play and imaginative play, but children who play with others tend to have higher emotional intelligence than those who do not play/play alone.

Correct mah. The highly intelligent people spend so much time on their books that they rarely play/play with friends. Therefore, they have lower EQ. ;P

Parents' fault again. Sigh.

I also learnt that some people's brains are just wired and built a certain way. There are ways to enhance the brain pathways but the hardware will always be there. We have to work very hard to change the software of our brains. That is if we want to change. Want the highway? Ask the creator of our brains for help lor.
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on a high today

This is the best time of my working life right now. This is the time when real teaching starts. I teach them about health in all aspects; physical, mental, emotional.. I teach them about things in the world that are important, that are exciting, that are funny.. I teach the kids how to play the guitar, I teach them the basics of card playing. I feel like I am preparing them for a new life, for their secondary school life.. for life beyond school..

And Reese got her new butt. All shiny and perfect again. :)
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such a relaxing weekend

it was a fabulous weekend, aside from the fact that it was a very expensive weekend though I think it was worth every cent spent.

rested heaps, read some, talked lots, foot-reflexologied once, played lots, ate lotsssss, shopped heaps! I felt very rested after this holidays.

I can't afford to do this every month though. Once only! A post PSLE treat in reward of the hard year 2012.
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being negative or being careful?

" As we are immersed in this negative attitude and have


grown up more in the shade than in the light, it is often difficult

for us to be positive and to see a glass as half full rather

than as half empty. Yet it is just this - the need to be optimistic

- that is the great challenge in our lives. We must

muster all our strength and energy to ignore the rain and the

damp and to delight in the colours of autumn, to appreciate

the beauty of the snow in winter without thinking of the

effort required to clear it, to wonder at the miracle of

reawakening nature in the spring without complaining of the

allergies that come with it, and to experience the pleasant

sensation of the warmth of the summer sun without worrying

too much about the gnats. Even the yellow colour of the

leaves in autumn can be seen in two different ways: as the

colour the leaves have taken from the summer sun to give

back to us in autumn or simply as a sign of the withering and

approaching death of the leaves."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I do think I am a positive thinker.. but I don't believe that life is merely a journey of appreciating beauty as it is, but one of improvement and acting on things that protects lives so that these beautiful lives we are enjoying can last for a longer time? No? So interrreeeeesssssttiiinnnng wan.

But I guess this is what keeps me going in the long haul. Reaching for the skies, yet being prepared in case I fall, so it gives me strength to pick myself up and keep going. I guess that's why I am a realistic idealist rather than an idealist, but I guess also, I am easily contented and not ambitious. Oh whatever. :)
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ranking

so it was time for the annual ranking.

A friend shared insider news that perhaps this school is not a good place to stay in. That means my ranking at work this year is not that good. How one is ranked is based on their CEP (current estimated potential) as well as how much we have performed above and beyond what we are paid to do as teachers because our rank determines our performance bonuses we will receive in year 2013.

By God's grace, I have been averaging a B since I came to this school, which to me, is very good given that my workload is 3/4 of a regular teachers' load. And the truth is, ranking doesn't matter to me as much as recognising what I have done and given to the kids. In my previous school, a friend, an EL HOD used to tell me that visibility is very important in teaching when they are ranking teachers. Till together, I disagree with that. Sometimes, doing things with the mindset to exhibit what you had done to others makes the task less meaningful. Maybe I am more intrinsically motivated, and maybe sometimes, doing what's good for the pupils may not necessarily come in a presentable form.

I know my CEP won't be high because I said no to my VP (nicely of course) when she asked me to take up this position in the PW department but I was a bit upset when I think that my other contributions are deemed as not important or sufficient (I don't know what the management think and say, and the insider gets an A grade occasionally (only one person per school gets A), so his standard of what constitutes a good grade may be skewed).

 I was planning in my head what I would write to the managment next year if I get anything lower than a C grade; like how I am probably the only teacher who can manage and teach my current class of 36, that there are 4 HODs teaching my class Math and Sci (which means they only have maximum 20 pupils in their class) AND their results are not improving much, like how I am the only PE teacher in the PE department who ensures that what is done every year is brand new for the event I am placed in charged of (the rest just modifies the template from the previous years), and how I am the only one who invited an extraordinary guest for Motivational Day. Thinking about all these made me feel better. And made me think. What the heck. As long as my conscience is clear and God sees all that I do, that's good enough.
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DAD

So dad and mum went for their movie date yesterday. It's a good start. Thursday shall be their regular movie date night. Dad also drove my sister and mum to their respective venues. My sister said he looked happy. He should be, because his usefulness and meaning in life before was working, and sending my mum and bro to and fro places. I am sure it was tiring for him though. He took a nap after sending my sis and mum.

Sunday service, Monday follow ups, Tuesday visits by his sisters, and Thursday movie nights seems okay for now I think.
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Post PSLE programmes

It was a good day with the kiddos. I think they had fun during the class party yesterday. They were given lots of freedom to play the music they liked, they danced in class, walked around while they ate the yummy pizza and wings.

I am not keen to take them out on their learning journeys though knowing how "carefree" they can be. Perhaps I should just take medical leave and let my Math HOD take the entire class. It's time she takes the entire calss of 38 and know how it feels like. Currently, she takes just 14 of them and thinks they are not a bad bunch to teach.

What do I do during these six weeks now that their exams are over? Some heart to heart talks for sure. I am also planning to give them 10 hours of guitar lessons so they are equipped to play songs with basic chords. I will share with them how to fill up departure and arrival cards (something I had difficulty filling in even in my 20s!). I am planning to teach them how to play bridge and the big two. I taught them how to play heart attack yesterday and they enjoyed it. Healthy games that they can play during gatherings so they don't get bored and do naughty stuff. I am just transferring as much knowledge to them as I can during these six weeks before I release them. :).

Will miss them but praying that all will graduate.
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why do i like to read the bible (part 2)

I feel humbled. And centred.

hiak hiak.
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Why do I like to read the bible?

Everytime I read the bible, I feel centred. And humbled.

Tonight, I received news that my dad has suicidal tendencies. I am pretty overwhelmed with everything that's happening. My emotional capacity to give is mainly for my kids during this period of time, but I am thankful that I could share with a few people to ask them to pray for my dad.

This passage spoke straight to my heart and comforted me:


For God alone my soul waits in silence;

from him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

Psalms 62:1-2
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tempting to fly to Perth for the weekend.

That will be the craziest thing I have ever done. Ever. LOL. SO SILLY!!
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thankful

I am thankful for everything big and small. But currently, at this phase in my life, I am thankful for resilient friends who are able to support me in many ways, especially in prayer.

I have always tried to give of myself to people as much as I am able to, and whilst I still try to serve God as best as I can, I did realise that after my dad's diagnosis; the stress of having to handle financial matters at home, the responsibility of sending dad to hospital, together with the pressure of having to produce results for the PSLE, leaves me very little capacity to give emotionally to others.

I think that having friends who are not overwhelmed and  preoccupied by their own lives and problems is one of God's greatest gifts to me at this point in time. I am praying and waiting for the season where I can operate functionally once again.

kisses to God. MUACKS!!
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massage by gay man

the good thing about being massaged by a gay man is this:

1) they have strong hands
2) they won't touch places unnecessarily
3) there is no tension of any sort as with a lesbian masseuse

such an awesome massage.
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and while reading my lecture notes..

According to Csikszentmihalyi (1997) in his article “Quality of Experience in Everyday Activities” , he postulates that it is the full involvement of flow, rather than happiness, that makes for excellence in life.

It is this flow that gives meaning to life and increases the general well-being of a person. However, when we are in flow, we are not happy at that moment because we are not able to focus on our inner states when we are on task. It is only after the task is completed then we will feel that optimal flow. Of course, he says that it's possible to feel happy without being in flow; simple things like basking in the warmth of the sun, enjoying a good nap, being in love.. but this happiness without the flow is very vulnerable and dependent on favourite external circumstances.

Okay, the point of the article is for the purpose of knowing that this excellence in life facilitates the motivation to learn despite challenges. But my take is this. Instant gratification gives instant rewards but does not make a fulfilling experience.. So like what my ex- Senior Pastor always says , Dream big, but start small and build deep.
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Food for thought

A question came up as I was driving. One of those inspired moments while listening to worship music again and this time, captured on blog. Wahahaha. 

Assume that you fall in love with your partner because she smells good, looks good and feels good and one day, because of some reason, she inevitably doesn't smell the same, look the same and feel the same. Does that give us permission to break up with them?

Of course, we say we are not superficial and look for other things in a partner. So .... assume you like to be treated nicely by your partner and you fall in love with your partner because you like the way your partner treats you. What if one day, for one reason or another, your partner no longer treats you the same way, so in a way, the reason why you fall in love with her is not longer there. Does that give you permission to break up with your partner? 

I guess it is therefore more important to look for characteristics in your partner that will not change because of mood swings or seasonal changes. The character of your partner is likely to remain the same or better if they are believers willing to be molded into the image of Christ and obedient to the commands of Jesus. Not that feeling special is inconsequential but surely, there must be more than looks and the way they make us feel in choosing our partners?

Of course we cannot change the situation if our partner leaves us regardless. But the first and more important question to ask ourselves is this: do we have what it takes for someone to fall in love with us and remain in love with us? 

End of inspired post.

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random thoughts

I finally got some down time.

I don't use my free time very well.

I use my free time to change my profile photo and cover photo on facebook.

You know how weak the kids are? So weak not one of them know the meaning of accommodation. Obviously I have not spoken to them much about going on holidays.

Solomon was given lots of wisdom even though he drank heaps, partied heaps, shopped heaps and had heaps of beautiful concubines. 

i.e Doesn't mean we are living right even if God gives us wisdom. God's grace for us is beyond common sense.

Or maybe he'e the only lucky one given everything so he can write the book of Ecclesiastes. Hur hur.

Humility keeps one grounded. Humility keeps one from having lofty thoughts. Humility keeps one contented.

Reading the papers makes me feel smart.

Reading the bible makes me feel smarter.

I am ready for another trip.

If I am crazy enough, I will fly to Perth just for the weekend.
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Soul Care

So important. And so thankful for a time like this (even though the time isn't cheap). Though I miss people and things from home, I wish I had a few days to continue spending time alone and with God. 

This is a very different trip from previous Oz trips. Maybe because it was really short and I really needed the time to recharge. Also, the weight limit of my carry on was 7kg and I went into Australia with 7kg. So I didn't shop at all. I probably only walked into one or two shops to get some magnets and looked at bikini tops but decided it was too time consuming to try them on anyway. I took only 15 mins to walk through paddy's market. I didn't even go into any supermarkets. Other trips, I would have wiped the shelves of gummies chocolate, smith's chips and home brand corn beef. Other trips, I would have gone to the factory outlets too.

I am thankful for the daily slots of 3- hourly sessions throughout the day to read, write, pray, contemplate and reflect. I am thankful I got to catch up with a dear friend, got to spend some time with my sis (but sadly, no in depth conversation) and got ministered during the hillsong service.

At the end of the trip was the rather arduous 8 and a half hour flight back home. One thing I am thankful for was that my sis and I didn't get to sit together so I had some more alone time. I was slipping in and out of consciousness, waking up only to read, eat and pee. I realized though, it's this time of solitude that God speaks the clearest. I kinda have a sense of how the plush retreat will look like next year and I am pretty stoked at getting the plan out to the gals.I was pretty stoked because praying and planning for the retreat wasn't part of my plan this trip but I guess it was God's plan.

The book which I brought along with me this trip summarized the purpose of the retreat well:

"A spiritual retreat is a time apart when we move slower, take time to rest, have extended time for solitude and silent listening, share our journeys and key learnings, eat together and enjoy one another's company."

At the end of the book, the author shared a practice called Lectio Divina. I think it is worth spending time bringing that to the gals because it not only teaches how God speaks through the bible, it also helps us to learn how to enjoy solitude with God. 

I am feeling a bit of guilt of not spending as much time with my sis as she would have hoped. Instead of walking or shopping together, I would often tell her to meet at a certain location in about an hour or two and i would scoot off somewhere to spend time alone. She did tell me that she wanted to exercise and tan this trip, that she didn't have any expectations of this trip since it's pretty much paid for. So I hope she's happy.

Adios! I am ready to conquer the world for the next 20 days. And then no more serious teaching, no more marking and no more extra lessons! Got more time for my assignments and step up serving!

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The wonderful works of God

You know what's beautiful about the love and power of God? He can make all our ugliness beautiful and all our weaknesses strengths. He breaks all the stereotypical molds of how males and females are and set them apart for his purposes. 

Men of God humbled, no more ego gratification; changed from the typical egoistic and chauvinistic self to being surrendered, giving, gentle.. Women given independence and strength.. women who dare to speak up and change the world. 

That's why I am attracted to the god part of girls. I like a Christian gal not because the bible tells me so. I like a Christian girl because her world view, values, character, personality and life is so evidently changed by her knowledge of the love, grace and mercy of God.i think I can be attracted to the heart and character of a Christian guy too! But just that i can't imagine nor want to be intimate with him. Haha. 

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Hearing from God

Isn't it lovely when one hears directly from the voice of the lord telling them what to do and where to go? David was fighting big fights, but he never went where God didn't send him. He inquired of the Lord if he should go for battle and heeded the lord's response.

Hearing God's distinct voice takes time, takes experience, and takes an open heart. 

Just like how we are able to recognize a friend's voice after conversing with them on the phone a few times, so it is with God's voice. 

Recognizing God's voice takes experience; Every time we hear God's voice, heed his call and experience His goodness and glory, we remember his track record and that increases our faith when we have to hear from Him again. It's like conditioning. The more success we have in hearing Him, the more confident we know that we should heed His call when He calls. 

Most importantly, hearing God's call and his heart takes an open heart and an open mind. It takes the willingness to be open to anything the Lord says, not according to our wants, needs, desires and agenda. We come with an open slate waiting expectantly for God's word to e deposited. 

I am praying for God to speak today. I am waiting for a word from God regarding direction in ministry, in career and in relationships.

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Learning to see with Jesus' eyes

About 12 years ago, when I was with my second cell group, I learnt one of the most profound lessons that I still bring along with me today.

It was not learnt during bible study, nor was it learnt in the duration of cell group. My cell group leader (one year older than I was but many many years older in terms of spiritual maturity and her enduring spirit), and I were wondering about a guy who had been missing cell group. I was coming up with a list of possibilities why he could be missing cell just like the disciples asking Jesus if the reason why the man was blind was because he or his parents had sinned. Jesus responded by telling the disciples that they were asking the wrong question. In the midst of finding the reason why, they lost a chance to find out God's intention for them to minister to the blind man.

Similarly, my cell group leader asked me." so how? What should we do next?" I was dumbstruck then and could still remember exactly how I felt then. 

12 years later,  I read something which reinforced the same lesson once again; asking questions may be important but more importantly, the question "what next" should be asked ; concrete expressions of love is more important than theoretical conversations about theology. As very aptly summed up by Ruth Barton:

"yes, there is evil in the world. Yes, there is sin with all its tragic consequences. Yes, there is a complex web of cause and effect relationships at work in the human experience. But what good does the blame question do? The real question is, What is God going to do with it? Jesus engaged the heartbreak and the complexity of the human situation by pointing out that such situations create the most amazing possibilities for God to be at work."

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36 hours worth of entries

 thoughts in the air, 3a.m

God told me to slow down. 

Many times, in the midst and the excitement of ministering and sharing, I sacrifice precious time waiting at his feet to be ministered by the holy spirit.

I wait at His feet, I draw from His living waters, and thereafter, I give. And the cycle continues.

The song that ministered greatly on the plane:

Holy holy holy

Oh God almighty

Early in the morning

Our souls shall rise to thee

Holy holy holy

Merciful and mighty

God in three persons

Blessed trinity

And He says to me: I am using you to bless the world. You are not using me to bless the world. Stop rushing and wait on me.

 Praying:

One thing I find that I get very excited about praying is the appearance of certain words in my mind in the midst of praying. Over time, I began to realize that the holy spirit places these words in my mind, so I know how to pray accurately for others. 

The bible says that though we don't know what to pray for but the holy spirit intercedes on our behalf for the saints. 

Scoot:

Scoot isn't that bad a budget airline. For one, it departed on time and the stewards and stewardess try their best. I didn't like paying $5 for Nissin cup noodles made in Indonesia though. It tasted different. A bad kind of different. 

Also, they could have given us more space since the flight was half full instead of squeezing all of us in a section. All in all, I won't mind flying by Scoot again. It's cheap and if the flights are going to be this empty all the time, the prices will remain competitive.

Communing with God:

Just last week, a friend was asking me whether it was possible communing with God with both the mind, and the heart. She said that she needed to find the missing link because some people do not understand her when she simply tells them to go with the flow and feel God in their hearts.

Why do I say both the mind and heart is necessary for that to happen? It is important to be aware that emotions and feelings change, especially after the honeymoon period, and yes, it applies to our relationship with God too. If we are blessed enough with the strength to continue to commune with god at a deep level all the days of our lives, bravo. But for those who have been along this journey for a while certainly know that it's not happily ever after after the point of salvation. In order to know what to do to keep that communion deep and intimate, we need to know what factors cause us to have that close and intimate bond with God. 

Like any relationships, we feel closest to our love ones when we give and take, when we communicate, when we spend time hearing each other out. It's all about time spent in knowing each other, isn't it? 

There are also distractors that take away our capacity to give that attention to our loved ones, aren't there? When our minds constantly think about our goals, our dreams, our work, our social life, money, we fail to have that quality communication with our loved ones.

In the same way, how we spend time with God also determines the depth of communion with him. If we don't have time with him getting to know Him, His character through the bible, through sermons, through christian fellowship, if we do not have the time to meditate on His word, bask in His love, sit at His feet and be ministered by His presence; if we have too many distractions in our mind, how will we hear from Him, right?

The accommodation:

Am really blessed by the accommodation at Old Holiday Inn. It has a pool view to kill for . And I think I thank God for the name of the hotel. Looking down at the lobby this morning, I see older guests (as in grandmothers and grandfathers kinda age). 

What is the significance? No screaming kids, no loud drunkards, just quiet peeps having quiet conversations. Most of then would have finished their pool chilling session by 9am so it's just my sis and another young couple who's quietly reading. 

Very blessed morning. :) I would love for a cell group retreat here sometime but maybe when we are much older and have no need to rush, be wild and lively. Lol. 

Oxford Street

Got goosebumps for all 5 minutes of the ride on the way to Bondi seeing all the rainbow flags along the entire stretch of Oxford street which says "the city of Sydney". How nice. It gives me a really warm feeling knowing that being a practising glbt is not illegal over here. Also passed Wattle hotel, the hotel where the ex and I stayed in for 3 days when we were here.

My dear Aussie mate:

My dear Aussie friend (formerly the bassist at FCC) asked me in the midst of our conversation: so who do you talk about sex to when I left Singapore? ( we weren't talking about sex). It's a funny question because we don't talk about sex very often when we were in Singapore, not in my opinion any way.

It was a good session of catching up over dinner, shopping and dessert. She brought me to Newtown, this long stretch of shops and restaurants near the city (like river valley). I saw quite a few lesbian couples through the night. She told me there was a monthly lesbian party on Friday but I told her it is not really my cup of tea.

I asked if she wanted to attend the Saturday evening hillsong service with me. I was quite surprised to hear that she has not attended Hillsong church in her life. She said she doesn't mind accompanying me but she will need some really strong drinks after that. That was hilarious. I told her to start drinking so she will be filled with the spirit by Saturday evening. Haha.

Looking forward to Hillsong service!
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My concept of discipleship

level 1: assured of salvation
level 2: assured of God's love
level 3: serving God
level 4: serving God joyfully
level 5: serving God in pain and adversity
level 6: having the right attitude in serving God
level 7: serving God with the right attitude even if no one commends you
level 8: serving God with the right attitude even if someone criticises your serving

Which level are we at?
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I am going to miss you like crazy too.

x 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.
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Teachers Day..

is particularly sweet for me this year. I could feel how much my current class loves me through what they have done for me. Given that they are a very notorious class with a few teachers switching classes because they couldn't manage them last year, I am so thankful that God has helped me gain favour in their eyes. They are so incredibly sweet. They mean so much to me and I really hope all of them will pass to go to secondary school.

I also got to read some of the notes that my previous year's students have written on the nomination form for me. So sweet.

I also got to meet my ex-pupils. All sweet. The reward of teaching. (the only reward). Apart from the occasional 8% pay rise. LOL.
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a situation manager

I feel like that sometimes. And together with the combination of my dad's situation, the heavy workload at work, ministry committments and the culmination of PMS over this busy weekend, I felt an overwhelming sense of weakness and vulnerability (I wonder if the word vultures came from the word vulnerable).

I realise that at times like this, I tend not to be very resilient towards negativity. On ordinary days, by God's grace, I usually am able to handle my own negativity (if any) quite adequately. What's adequate? It means having reserve energy to handle others' negativity too. But this weekend, on top of two bad news regarding two people close to my heart, I felt quite a significant level of distress as I hear about some negativity about work and colleagues from a dear one, because I didn't have the energy to cope with it. Thankfully, things worked out towards the end. And all is well now.

God's words came floating in front of my eyes this very minute: It is well, it is well, with my soul. (along with the music).

I love Jesus, really do.
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Motivation

“Motivation is a form of love. It’s a love for something but if the love lands on something wrong, then chiam lah.” That’s my lecturer for you. I don’t recall meeting someone as random as her. I thought I was bad. But she’s so entertaining and I have fun following her thoughts.


Last time, I recalled only learning two types of motivation; intrinsic and extrinsic. During lecture today, I learnt a third type of motivation, spiritual motivation.

Extrinsic motivation is the love of possessions, like money and rewards. Intrinsic motivation is the love of self. Spiritual motivation is the love for others. They are more people –centred.

What motivates us?
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Reinforce our strengths but work on our weaknesses

I am getting much better at driving down SBV Road. The windy road was very challenging initially. I often ran over the markers in the middle and slowed down significantly at the curves.

Now, as I get more familiar with the curves, I instinctively know how to control the steering wheel so I can smoothly drive that road. I rarely hit the markers now. YAY!

Life's like that sometimes. It is exciting to live life carelessly sometimes but the risk of not being aware may have unpleasant consequences. However, it is still insufficient to just be familiar with the curves and obstacles, we need to learn how to work around them, then will it be easier to manuever around.

Quite random. Zzzz. Time to mark.
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my dad

I feel very sad for him. Because he's still tube fed. He seems resigned to the fact that it will be a long long time before the tube gets taken off. I pray not, but it feels so too. I feel sad that he had been longing to eat western food since mid June but he's not able to. I feel sad thinking about the side effects radiation is causing him. I feel sad at the thought that perhaps he enjoys spending time at the hospital beacuse he can feel normal with the tube hanging from his nose because only the sick hangs out at the hospital. In a way, I am glad the hospital is big enough for him to take a walk around, probably the only place he feels comfortable walking at. :(

I feel sad. I pray that he will be well soon, and pray that he will be able to resume life. :( It's so sad that he has hardly enjoyed retirement that he has to go through this :(
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plush annual retreat

2010 - Batam
2011 - KL
2012 - Kuching
2013 - Phuket?

Another blessed time with the gals. What do I value?

I value knowing everyone at a deeper level. I value the deeper connection through time together hearing one another out, worshipping God together, praying together, learning more about being grace-conscious vs sin-conscious, being reminded of the importance of QT and personal time and trust with God which empowers us. I value how God can use a young believer to lead a session which blesses so many. I value having fun together, making silly jokes, laughing together, doing a five hour canoe session together along a 11km long river.. It was indeed a blessed three days. We missed some of the oldies and all the newbies who unfortunately joined the CG too late to make it for the retreat. Next year, if everyone can make it, it will be a big group of 24. Perhaps we can rent 3 villas at Phuket. What a glorious time that will be.

Things are always not the same after every retreat. I pray that God will take hold of the deposit He has given to each and every one of us so that this trip will cause all of us to bear more fruit in our own respective ways. :)
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The D word

I had a dream car. The Alfa 146 in white. Or red. But I knew it was too extravagant. It was nice to look and dream anyway. Then when I started test driving different cars, I coveted the Diahatsu Copen. First the red, then the yellow. I test drove both of them, I love them, yet the peace wasn’t there. It is too impractical. People tell me. I didn’t think the same. But I followed the peace (or the lack of it) nonetheless.


Then the Peugeot 107 came along. The red one. A miraculous process of discovering it and finally owning it. It literally just came along. There, my heart felt right. I was content. And now, I don’t even look twice when the Alfa 146 passes me, nor the Copen, red or yellow.

I learnt: Never act on a desire. Wait for the right one to come along. Then you will be contented with the one that you have.

Desire is borne out of

1) needing something but not having it; the yearning for something to fill the place perceived to be empty.

2) getting a glimpse of an exciting possibility, and the increasing craving as you get more exposed to it.

This sort of desire disappears after a while. Very soon, time neutralizes the adrenalin rush. Very soon, when things start to normalize, you begin to appreciate what you already have. The more gratitude and contentment you have, the faster the process of normalization happens.
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Humility

"If you forget who you are, your ministry will be shaped by a smugness that is more about displaying how great you are, rather than how glorious is the Savior who still meets you in your weakness."

this statement from an article I have just read reminded me of a conversation I had with a fellow sister in christ some time ago. I told her that compliments sometimes don't help in my pursuit of humility. She said a very profound statement that caused some engraving to take place in the brain (a term learnt from my lecturer today in remembering and internalising information). She told me this:

"Humility doesn't come from what other people say or do to you...humility comes from having an accurate measure of who you are in light of who God is."


What a powerful reminder that was for me. I realised then how little time I have spent reflecting and dwelling on the grandeur of God and His perfect standard for me, and how far I had fallen from that perfect standard, and how much I need that grace of God given through Jesus. It reminded me how I had relied on my own strength for many things and failed to seek his will in my plans even though my plans were for His work. I was reminded that the busier we are, the more we should centre upon Jesus so he can be the captain of our ship.

That is a humbling lesson learnt.
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the relaxation programme for the kiddos

so to help them to relieve stress and reduce the rate of crime, I came up with my own relaxation programme using what I had learnt before from yoga and centering exercises. haha. I needed time to Continue to teach so I could only use 10 minutes of curriculum time to conduct the exercise for them. I was so surprised at how tired some of them were.

I turned on some piano instrumental music, asked them to close their eyes, lay their heads on their tables, used all the " relax your muscles " talk and gave them a few minutes of silence. in THAT tone of voice. At the end of 10 minutes, I slowly woke them up. As I asked them to move to their next class, there were 11 of them, still sleeping on their table. Such precious souls they are. Sigh. I think it's a freaking bad idea for ramadan and pre - PSLE period to coincide.
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of ambulances

Whenever I see an ambulance parked beside a hotel at a red light district, the first thought that comes to mind is this: An old man died of a heart attack during sex. :p

Horrible right?
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For a special one

reading your blog helps me feel closer to you. Thank you for updating it, first of all! Thank you for your openness in sharing. Thank you for encouraging me with your love for God. Thank you for being so open to learning and growing. Thank you for just being you.

There are more things I like to say to you, but perhaps not in this space, nor time.
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angsty and a lil lil bitchy

Jen asked what it was with all the giggling business on FCC women. She said she didn't know how to respond. I went back and reread the thread. I was very tempted to reply the thread with this response " I better explain that I am generally quite gigglish so people don't get the wrong idea and I get accused of flirting with others." simply cuz I know those two are also in the FCC women group. But decided against it. So bitchy. Sigh. Let go let go..

I am blaming it on PMS. :p
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Spiritual gifts...

ideally, God will help us multiply our five loaves and two fishes to bless others. However, I also think that there is a danger of possessing the gifts that God has given and misusing them. For example, someone who's smart may use his/her brains to scheme. Someone who's perceptive may use that gift to manipulate a situation or a person.

The heart of the matter is the heart for God, and how much we love Jesus and desire to be the best we can be. Pure at heart.

Like what Spidey had said, with greater power comes greater responsibility.
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La Cage Aux Folles..

was brilliant. An excellent production. I nearly teared once or twice. And also when the dancers (mostly men) jumped up in the air and did a full split on the ground. Ouch! But that gave me some inspiration to stretch a bit more. Just not yoga. Blah.

Splits aside, a transgender and his homosexual partner who had been together for 20 years faced a major hurdle in their relationship when their son decided that he wanted to marry a girl whose father was an anti-homosexual Ex-MP.Pressured by his son, the father decided to get his son's natural mother to pose as his mother. It's sad for the stepmom, the transgendered woman. Of course she feels less, smaller, insignificant, that "face" or any other thing for that matter, could take that status away from her.

I think society is not ready to accept transgendered people and I do think that transgendered people are very brave. They have to face bullies all their lives, and still get ostracised, sometimes even by their own partners. Yet I find that that perhaps makes it easier for them to come out. They have already faced dirty looks and bullying all their life. It's like a few steps to take to totally come out.I think it gets increasingly difficult for "straight -acting/looking" men and women to come out totally for that same reason. Imagine the number of steps they have to clear!

I reckon a relationship with one partner who's fully out and one partner who's not would be difficult. I know because I had experienced that before in my last relationship. I also wondered about my future relationship. It might be easy to hide our identities from those who are supposedly closest to us-our family for the next few months or even years. But for how long before we get tired of hiding? And what if after being together for 20 years, one partner decided to come out totally and one still wants to remain in the closet. So complex. But God says let tomorrow worry on its own. He will take care of everything. Amen.
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the truth..

is that everything changes except the love of God for you, for me.

If you are going to rely on people, they will fail you, even if they are your partners or your best buddies, or your keeper.

You need to know what God intends for your life REGARDLESS of how you feel about others, towards others. Because when you know God's plans for your life and you follow the path He intends for you, everything else will fall in place, including your friends, your partners and your best buddies. Why keep going around the desert searching for something permanent when everything changes?

Fix your eyes on Jesus and His plan for you, what He showed you right from the beginning. Do not change your direction until He tells you to, not when your feelings tell you to..

hugs.
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Soulmates

A friend on FB wrote this:

I don't think a soul mate is unique. There are probably dozens of soul mates out there but because they are so few and far between, you only meet one or two in your entire life. Following this, I don't believe there is only a singular "The Right One".

I do think that a soulmate is unique to every individual. But I also believe that you might not live happily ever after with your soulmate. A soulmate, I suppose, is someone whom you can share your deepest thoughts and feelings with, who understands you even better than you understand yourself, and vice versa. A soulmate feeds your mind, your soul and spirit through modes that works for you. A soulmate is able to provide something deeper than friendship and companionship that no one else can.

Just like you might not be in a lifelong relationship with the person you love the most, you feel the most for, the one most perfect for you, so it is with being with your soulmate. It's a bonus, if you are able to find a soulmate to be in a relationship with.

Simply put, the timing must be right.
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The gap

I have been praying for God's direction in cell group ministry ever since I felt God's leading away from PLUSH a few months ago. Initially, I thought that the post-lush group (currently called the LUSHATES)  could be a possibility.. Yet it didn't feel so.

Two weeks ago, Clarence's sermon challenged us to rise up to start something that might be missing, to fill in the gap.There and then, I thought that perhaps, my praying and search for a group has come to an end. I have always felt prayer and spirit-filled worship missing at FCC. By spirit-filled worship, I don't mean people raising their hands to praise and worship on Sunday. Similarly, by prayer, it is not the weekly prayer session, nor the soliciting of prayers from fellow mates nor the occasional prayer meeting.

I was seeking like-minded, like-spirited ones who praise and worship God, no frills, no fuss, to pray to Him as the spirit leads, without having to write down specifically what to pray for, or use a prayer already written out long ago. It is that submission of our lives to the hand of God upon the lives of His people and adoring Him in the splendor of His beauty and holiness in awe and gratitude, letting the holy spirit lead in thanksgiving and and petition to our Father in heaven. I have been seeking fellow believers to worship God fully, and totally, and let the spirit of God take over in prayer.

LUSHATES is a special group. In a way, it is like an ideal cell group for me. Because of the size of the group and the common starting point of every member in the group, we are able to be able to kept updated on everyone's lives through whatsapp chat. It's wonderful because everyone is not merely sharing about their lives, they are also sharing what God has taught them, sharing prayer requests. It's this daily communication that keeps the group close and keep everyone growing in accountability. It's really like... family..

And.. It's very difficult and very painful to leave PLUSH. It's not just the people who makes up the group, because currently, half the group is made up of new people who seem to be set to stay. It's just God doing that special work in PLUSH that even in the absence and irregular attendance of the older members, PLUSH is still so very special and close to my heart. Perhaps the move is just temporal. I pray so, but let your will be done.
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so..

the past year had been a year of not being welcoming to new peeps and not following up with them. Honestly, it feels horrible and it's not because it has anything to do with me. But I don't think God intends for us to live like that. I think being warm, loving and affectionate to people is what God wants, but since people in our circle will misunderstand, then what to do? Pull back lor. I won't want to be accused again of being overfriendly. Hospitality was ranked my top spiritual gift after taking the test. WHat will God think?

Yet in the past year of not doing anything much, I have someone who hinted that I am her type. I don't like being presumptous. I could see it as it is and just take it that she's just giving an example of the type of woman she's attracted to, but to avoid any unneccessary problems in future, I had to tell her that I hope I don't give her the wrong impression about my friendliness. And blah blah blah. And she got it. sigh sigh sigh.

Having a hospitality ministry is good. You get to wear name tags to say that you are a welcoming team member so peeps do no misunderstand. Onward christian soldiers!
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I lived, I learnt. I learnt, then I lived again

Why I have not been blogging?

I have been a full-time teacher in the day, full -time house designer after work, and full-time driver in the evening. Hur hur. Tis is my season in life. Guess what? God is around in all seasons. Heng ah.
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difference between seeing and perceiving

Most of the time, most people think perceiving is better than seeing, for perceiving needs depth and wisdom, while seeing is perceived to be looking from the surface.

In Acts 21, when Paul was heading back to Jerusalam, many believers prophesized that Paul must not go to Jerusalam because they could see Paul being turned over to the Gentiles by the Jewish leaders, and THEY did not want that to happen to him. God may have given them a vision of what to see, but it requires all of God's wisdom to interpret what God's plan for Paul was.

Maybe that's why the bible says that some people are given the gifts to prophesy, some are given the gifts of tongues, yet some are given the gifts of interpretation, which I often read as the interpretation of tongues. Perhaps the gift of interpretation is needed for visions, dreams and prophecies too. Not all plans with negative results are bad plans. they could be part of God's plan.

What we see with our human eyes will never be able to comprehend God's wisdom and His ways. But God's ultimate aim is for us to glorify Him; what glorifies Him, pleases Him. May we be blessed with spiritual eyes and hearts to perceive what we see.
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:)

I posted a generic version on facebook. And she replied:


Things I want to do with you...


Go for long walks

Sing stupid songs

Watch movies under a warm blanket

Foot massages

Travel to new places with you

Travel to old places with you

Drink bubble milk tea

Express pedicures

Eat sting ray at the beach

Drink fresh orange juice

Order mcdonalds breakfast from bed with you

Laze in bed on a Saturday morning while holding you

Read the newspapers

Go to the gym

Watch you mark

Make you coffee

Hold your hand while driving

Smell you

And kiss you

And....
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Sweetness is the way to a gal's soul. :)
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None as wonderful as jesus

One interesting thing about lushates is how quickly they bond through the lush sessions, actually more so through the group chat. 

The group is made up primarily of 2 groups of people. The younger ones and the older ones (what rubbish right?). Well, the younger ones are more active on the group chat. The older ones seem to be more occupied by work and respond periodically. I admire their patience to have the phone beep incessantly, and then they respond a while later after taking their time to read the chats. I guess that's what brings people closer together. The regular communication.

We have a pretty young believer in the group, young spiritually. She's a delight to have because she is keen to learn. During bible study, though she may be lost at times, it is evident she eagerly wants to know more about God.

I can't say if I were jaded or perhaps seen too much in life. Whenever a young believer gets high and delighted in the things of the Lord, aside from encouraging them to keep growing, I try to bring in the fact (gently) that things will not be so high and happy all the time: true to my belief, two recently converted friends exhibited more weariness than that "high" I used to see.

That's the danger in putting our faith on anything or anyone other than our Lord himself. Everything and everyone will fail. Circumstances will not be positive all the time. But if we fix our eyes on Jesus, whose love for us is unfailing, who remains our rock and anchor despite of changing circumstances, we perhaps can get through the storms of life without as much hardship because we know that everything will be alright in the end (if not, it's not the end - quoting that Marigold movie. hiak hiak)
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You

It feels so good to be tucked under the comforter. The only thing missing, is you.
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Love is a Verb, indeed.

It’s funny how saying “I love you” comes so easy to couples.
And it’s ironic that we have not said that to each other.

Yet I can see your love for me by the look in your eyes, by the things you do for me, in the way you care for me, attend to me and give of yourself to me. I can feel your love for me, without you verbalising it. And it has been more than ten years since I have felt that loved that way. I hope you feel the same.

You are more than special and more than wonderful and I truly appreciate you.
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Post conference reflection

From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the centre. It's all about you. Yes it's all about you.

It was a blessed time of gathering to worship and meditate on the word of God brought to us, a congregation of 250 LGBTQI. There was the presence of God and the anointing of the Holy Spirit. I am honoured and blessed to be able to make it for such a conference like such.

There were three main messages that God spoke to me through the entire conference, which I will elaborate more in the next few posts. In between, God showed me something about a ministry for a  fellow sister in christ. I am not sure if I could call that a vision because I don't know what a vision looks like. It is surreal because that simple act of ministry makes so much sense yet it was only during the conference I received it when we had that conversation about ministry about a year ago. I love watching God work. That is the strongest testimony for me to show me His living presence. He's alive!
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WHat a glorious day

and a great weekend. Firstly, I get to wake at 930a.m. Secondly, I get to catch up on all my markings. Thirdly, I get to go to Pink Dot for the first time in my life. Fourthly, I get to eat kickass MSW durians tomorrow. Fifthly, I get to help out for AV Audio tomorrow. Lastly, it's a holiday on Monday!!!! Long weekend!
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amplify had been phenomenal

Nuff said.
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one of the few relaxing days of the holidays

I had a very relaxing two days last week when a dearie planned a staycation for me. It was refreshing and I had time to catch up on sunning, reading the bible and just catching up on rest and sleep.

Today's another relaxing day. I woke at my leisure, had brekkie with my mum before sending her to the hospital while I picked up my laptop adaptor, did a full classic pedicure and work on my assignment, my itunes, caught up on facebook before heading to the hospital later in the afternoon. Hoping to have some time to read the papers from cover to cover and also the bible.

Errands remaining to run include: paying my credit card bill, sending two letters out to giro my car loan and internet bills and bringing the fcuk watch to repair before the warranty ends. I so appreciate days like that...

I love Jesus and I love reading the bible. :)
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as expected

Many people came up to me and asked about my dad. A few asked about me and my mum.

I am thankful that people are concerned. Really thankful..

But maybe it will be better to type out an updated report and make some copies the next time because I realised that my "report" gets shorter over time. TOo tired of explaining the same things over and over again.

Also, I think it's God's prompting to me to get someone to speak with my mum. A few people have been asking about my mum and I did feel a nagging feeling in my heart this evening regarding this matter. She seems okay for now, but we will never know. I asked my friend's CGL's wife to arrange a meeting with my mum. Afterall, my parents will attend that CG when my dad is able to do that.

That aside, I am thankful for the gals I have in LUSH especially. They remind each other to pray for my dad every morning.. and even offered to play mahjong with him. So cute. Blessings in my life. I continue to give thanks.
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