ranting

I am feeling slightly overwhelmed and stressed by my studies. I think I am being very hard on myself. I tell myself that it's okay not to be able to understand everything that's presented to me all at once, that there's still quite a bit of time to study before the exam. And that it's an open book exam. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist and I still do not think so. That's 40% of this course.

Regarding my assignment which is another 40% , I think I am too ambitious in my approach. I am stimulated and excited when that happens. but what my tutor was asking was less than that. He wanted something simple. I ought to be more systematic in my approach and do things one step at a time, one thing at a time rather than think that big and stress myself.

I am doing well for my other 20% which is made up off 4 x 5% quiz at the end of every lesson. I should be fine.

I need to really concentrate on my studies now that I don't have to go to work anymore. I need to try not to log onto sgcarmart too often. It's hard to resist not getting a car and focus on saving for my flat instead. I can't say I don't need a car. Having a car saves me heaps of time. Maybe I really don't need a car. The truth is, I like cars that are different. I like everything that is different. But the price is too costly to pay for the unique most of the time. So I quote ridiculous prices for the cars I like and pray that if it's meant to be, the owners will agree to that price, but it has not happened yet.

Someone asked me to set a price I would pay since there are so many choices and I am ever so random. I told her that beauty and cuteness is priceless. It's a matter of whether I am willing to or not.
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Post-Menstrual Syndrome

I have been experiencing PMSsing feelings. Not the negative sort, but I was rather emotional though my period had just ended. Maybe I am experiencing sympathetic PMS.

My heart breaks for this couple who had broken up. It's painful. And I can feel it. I seldom feel emotional for myself, and less so for others.

My mum told me my god-grandaunt fell in the toilet and had a blood clot in her head. She said the doctor said she's too old to go through the operation. I am not close to her though I vaguely remembered that she insisted on giving us ang pows when we were very young though she was not married. When we were that young, 10 dollars per ang pow is a great amount. I don't remember her being very rich. I felt emotional thinking about her in hospital. I thought a lot about why my mum had told me the news. She didn't seem like she wanted to visit together with me. She said she has visited and usually goes in the afternoon (which means we can't go together since I am working). I told her to pass me the details of her ward etc but she had not passed them to me. I thought, maybe the reason why she told me was not because she wanted me to visit. Maybe she was hoping that I would /could pray for a miracle? I felt sad that my god-grandaunt had to die eventually. I don't wish to go and cry especially when I know I am not so strong emotionally right now.
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The Ex

The ex and I finally spoke beyond the hi and bye. Kudos to her for taking the initiative to sit with another friend and I. It felt fine though I was aware that I was trying not to have too serious conversation. Maybe I equate serious and quiet to melancholic and emotional. Sigh. I have no idea why I am running away from that when it comes to her. Maybe it's phobia.

Anyhooz, it was good that I was having a conversation before she sat down so I could continue to speak with that friend (general topic so she could actually participate if she wanted to). I was thankful that session was over in about 5 minutes. 

As I was reflecting about yesterday, I thought about the song she had posted on fb some time ago (the one I am currently listening to now). To be able to indulge in the love of the father through submission to Him through that song requires a great amount of change within her. To feel that she's changed in that way kinda softens my heart towards her. However, based on experience, it is better to keep a distance before some form of drama comes up in the typical break up get back together kinda drama. I am awfully adament that we are not right for each other but I don't think I am capable nor emotionally strong enough to restore the friendship to that level we had before we got attached. I wonder how others are able to remain friends with their exes. Baffles me still. 

Anyhooz. A new start of a week, a new set of blessings and mercies from the Lord. Ganbette!
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inhumanly selfless?

Everyone needs attention
Are we only wanting attention
Are we only getting attention
How are we attentive to others
How do we value add to the lives of others
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The Plush Retreat

time alone with the Lord
time spent reading the bible
in depth
time talking and sharing
of the passages read and insights gained
time of shared devotions
time of pair praying
time to learn
time of corporate worship
time of fellowshipping
with like-minded peeps
of meeting with the GSMCC folks
time to bond
through food, drinks, music,
massage, and more sharing
honesty in sharing
of struggles both as an individual or as a couple
thankful for a better than expected retreat
thankful for how God has used all our gifts,
consecrated to Him to make the retreat altogether wonderful
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Proverbs 24

"Fret not yourself because of evil doers
And be not envious of the wicked
For the evil man has no future and
the lamp of the wicked will be put out" (like the show (survivor?) heh.
Proverbs 24: 19-20

Vengence belongs to the Lord
All that is needed is to commit all our frustrations and anger to Him
He sees and He will punish our enemies in due time
But remember:

"Do not rejoice when your enemy falls and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles. Lest the Lord sees it and be displeases and turn his anger away from him." vs 17-18
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About anger and forgiveness

Anger and forgiveness were the 2 main things we spoke about during follow up last week. I felt that the sharing was authentic and deep and I was really thankful for that. At the end of it all, we still couldn't really define what it means to forgive except to model Jesus' idea of forgiveness. The bible says that God remembers our sins no more when we confess and repent. So our human wisdom helped us come up with this guideline. How do we know whether we have really forgiven? The first question to ask is this: are you willing to forgive this person? 

In saying yes to that question, we were also aware that though mentally, we might be willing to forgive, it will take some time for God's grace to work through our hearts. But like what they always say; awareness is the first step to change.

Second question to ask is this: do you still remember how they have offended and hurt you AND feel bitter about it? Remembering unpleasant situations shouldn't give a bitter taste but rather a recognition that God has taught us a precious lesson from every experience.

I am always disturbed when I think about the 2 persons i dont want to have anything to do with. Because i felt they shouldnt be ignored, that i should be a good chistian, talk about things, pray, hug and be good friends again. I don't hate them, I am willing to forgive but thinking about them still gives a bitter taste. I am ready to help if they need help but to ask me to hang out with them is very tough. We don't have to be good friends with everyone right?

Remember the verse: God remembers our sins no more WHEN we confess and repent? That came up in conversation too. I asked one of the follow up mates who still struggles with the first question whether it would be easier to forgive if instead of leaving for good, that her perpetrator explains/admits she was wrong/ask for forgiveness. She said yes. I think that's for me too. I just wish they would admit they said what they did, apologised and then I might not feel the way I still do. 

It could happen another way too. Now I am ready to develop a friendship with my second ex. I wrote her an email and mentioned something like that but she didn't respond. Perhaps I just needed to write a longer email to explain why I ran away then and apologise for the pain and distress I had caused her. Whether or not she accepts the apology or feel the need to develop the friendship then is her call. No biggie as long as I have done my part.

That's all for now. Felt like I had written a book on forgiveness.
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Stewardship of time

Never a good sermon than one which reminds me to take a step back, take a step out and reflect. I appreciate Sunday sermons for the reason that God reminds me through either the corporate worship or sermon or the whispers in between to be more deliberate about spending my time purposefully, with Him in mind, directly or indirectly spreading His fragrance around.  

I don't have the luxury of time to hang out regularly (once a week) for a long time with old friends just with the purpose of chilling, and I am kinda sad that some take offence that I enjoy spending time more with new friends, which is not very true because I find every meeting with new friends to be purposeful. There will be and there is a purpose why I meet up with someone or some group. There is always a need somewhere somehow, and God seems to be putting people into my path quite regularly. Ministry stops when I resist meeting up with people whom God places in my path. Yet there are certain people that I don't feel comfortable meeting up with. Praying for wisdom and more wisdom. 

I would love to find like-minded people I am comfortable hanging out with to just hang out once a week. Always nice to belong to a group. Right now, I guess it will just be the cell group girls, not that they are not enough. They are very dear to me but I kinda sense maybe this cg to them is just a weekly cg with the occasional gatherings. Que Sera Sera.
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Random Saturday posting

More than a few people have commented that the way I sound when I blog is very different from who I am face to face. What were some responses? "you are very not serious when you write" "you sound like an ah lian when you write". "I didn't know there's this crazy side of you", "you don't sound very educated from the things you blog about" :)

To all the responses, all I got to say is that I am still human. That's one reason why my blog is locked. Blogging helps me write about how I really feel about certain matters and issues. It is in writing that thr depth of emotions in me is released without feeling like I am troubling my audience to hear me out. Sometimes I share about how I am human and weak too. Though I know I am relatively resilient compared to most people, I get extremely discouraged when I experience setbacks too. Though I look like I may not care about how people look at me, I am very self- conscious. Though I may seem carefree and worry free, I am actually still human and highly sensitive to, hence affected by things around me. Though it may seem that I am extravagent and not concerned about saving money, I have made both short term and long term plans in my finances. Though I seem frivolous, fickle-minded and change my mind in the split of a second, there is deep in me, a need for stability, consistency and security. Though I may appear that I don't need someone special in life, I am a sucker for love and a hopeless romantic.

I think I am more of who I am when blogging than in real life and I think only people I feel very close to will see that childlike/childish (both different but co-existing) part of me. 

I am in a nutshell, random and a bit crazy which makes the emotional part of me evident. :)) random posting on a Saturday evening. God made me who I am and I am thankful I am able to show all sides of me to certain people in my life. :)
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From Proverbs 18:11-12

My QT for this morning comes from Proverbs 18: 11-13. "before destruction, a man's heart is haughty, but humility comes before honour. If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame"

I guess this passage spoke to me because I find myself sometimes predicting what people have to say and interrupting them mid-sharing. It's a very bad habit and I am aware of that. Praying that God helps rid my arrogance and impatience that cause that to happen. Pray alongside with me. 

At times like this, I am thankful for God's promise (something we memorized during follow up): 1 John 1:9- if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. I thank God that everytime I fall, I am given a chance to repent and change and most importantly, He still loves me. :))
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Servanthood

And so.. I was down for bass playing last week. The guitarist for that week messaged the worship leader and cc-ed me that he's very sick and might not be able to play for both the rehearsal and the service and that I could take his place. My first response was: Argh!! I can't! I told them that I believe in giving my best when I serve so I didn't want to play without practice. Moreover, my acoustic guitar was at church so I couldn't even practise on Friday night. 

Then I was reminded of the last weekend when the cg visited gsmcc. There was only one guitarist who was also the worship leader. When he asked a guy if he could play the keys for the next few songs, he readily stepped forward and said that he would try his best. Though he wasn't very good, it was his willingness to step forward that touched my heart. So I decided to play the acoustic because they needed an acoustic guitarist more than a bassist. I guess it wasn't a coincidence that I experienced what happened at gsmcc.

Lesson learnt: I am playing not to let others hear how I sound like. I am playing because God can use the little I have to give and multiply it.
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No more Tshirt and shorts?

And so.. The new P kinda took over the school when she took charge of the meeting today. She has rather high eq I must say. I marvel at how she says things gently yet gives the message clearly and directly. First, she gave the reason for the change: the school will be undergoing PRIME( building undergo revamp and improvement) and we want to improve the school's professional image, so she suggested that we take some time to do some shopping these holidays and get proper office attire. She said no ordinary pants and no sandals. She said there will be examples of what it means to dress professionally. I think this applies to PE teachers too. Sometimes I do feel a bit sloppy in t shirt and shorts. I don't mind wearing tennis/netball skirts but please do not ask me to wear track pants. I would absolutely suffocate. Absolutely and surely. I think gone are the days where I can take just 10 mins to get ready for work. Actually, I don't mind looking smarter too. It's easier to be lazy though. :)
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weaknesses in abundance

while helping a friend know herself better, I kinda guessed her MBTI personality type and asked her to read about it. To check if I was correct, I read too. Hiak hiak. Sounds like her. Then I decided to read about myself too. It was quite pleasant to read the strengths of an ISFJ.. then I came to the part: Potential problems. In helping a friend, I helped myself too. What is written is quite true. Looking forward to take some time this holidays to pray them out of my life and grow to be better.

ISFJs
ISFJs are the homemakers, carers and facilitators of the world. Their strong sense of duty, hard-working tendencies and ability to respond quickly to what is suitable to a particular situation are great assets. With a dominant function that quickly grasps the qualities inherent within the external world, and a secondary function that weighs such perceptions against their value within this world, the ISFJ has a great talent for discovering the aesthetic and essential qualities compatible with and relevant to a particular real world situation. This means that, not only within the world of objects, but also in their relationships with people, ISFJs are gifted with the ability to recognize and understand the comfort and surroundings suitable to a secure and pleasing existence. And they can do this with a decisiveness which might make others wonder if the ISFJ was not in fact getting their answers from some form of intuitive understanding rather than what is really a vast library of carefully related memory images and value judgments. An ISFJ will always feel best when their world a place of quality and reassurance, both for themselves and others. Success for an ISFJ means being able to fulfil a role providing value for others and ordering their world in a way in which safety and security is balanced against a genuine respect for the aesthetic and positive qualities of life.

Allowing Your ISFJ Strengths to Flourish

As an ISFJ, you have gifts that are specific to your personality type that aren't natural strengths for other types. By recognizing your special gifts and encouraging their growth and development, you will more readily see your place in the world, and how you can better use your talents to achieve your dreams.

Nearly all ISFJs will recognize the following characteristics in themselves. They should embrace and nourish these strengths:

· You are adept at seeing the right balance, the best way to make the world look and feel good. This talent enables you to make your world reflect your inner self and become a place of security and growth in which others can feel at ease too.

· You have a gift for knowing what will make another person feel better about the world and themselves. Your valuable input to their world comes back to you in ways which aid your own personal development.

· You see clearly what is right and wrong, what grates on yourself and others, what works for harmony and what does not. Your clear recognition of these things gains you the confidence and respect of others.

· You have a great memory for things, places and events, their curious details and the relationships between them. More than this, you also remember what was both good and bad about these things. These skills show in your ability to give no nonsense advice and aid to others

· Within yourself you know, even if others do not realise it, that for as long as they are trying to do their best, you will hold the line with them to the very end. You see this as simply doing the right thing, but in fact it is a special virtue and makes you one of the most worthy of partners and friends when the chips are down.

· You work hard to get the job done, and you can be counted on the stay with it till it is finished.

ISFJs who have a strongly expressed Extraverted Feeling function will find they also enjoy these very special gifts:

· Work is never a chore to you, but a gift you offer to the world.

· In your relationships you are able to clearly show others how you feel about them.

· Others will always feel at ease in your home and presence.

· Your efforts always seem to be appreciated by those around you.

· You will try to find pleasing ways to settle differences and to find the most satisfying solutions to both your own and others difficulties.

· More often than not, you will know exactly the right thing to do, say, buy or create to make things better or move things toward a valid human solution to a problem

· You will clearly see the conditions underlying a situation and their effects on the persons within it, enabling you to see ways of changing things for the better. In this sense, you may be a powerful agent for social justice.



Potential Problem Areas

With any gift of strength, there is an associated weakness. The strong expression of any function can overshadow others, whilst at the same time its own associated and unexpressed inferior function can mine the unconscious mind and throw up annoying resistances and unsettling emotions. We value our strengths, but we often curse and - even more limiting to our potential development - ignore our weaknesses. To grow as a person and get what we want out of life, we must not only capitalize upon our strengths, but also face our weaknesses and deal with them. That means taking a hard look at our personality type's potential problem areas.

ISFJs are kind, steady and responsible beings with many special gifts. I would like for the ISFJ to keep in mind some of the many positive things associated with being an ISFJ as they read some of this more negative material. Also remember that the weaknesses associated with being an ISFJ are natural to your type. Although it may be depressing to read about your type's weaknesses, please remember that we offer this information to enact positive change. We want people to grow into their own potential, and to live happy and successful lives.

Many of the weaker characteristics that are found in ISFJs are due to their dominant and Introverted Sensing function overshadowing the rest of their personality. This generally results in two notable effects: their Extraverted Feeling function is unable to balance their sharply rendered inner perceptions with a sense of human value, whilst at the same time these very perceptions often hint at strange associations and consequences which seem always to hover darkly in the background of the world

In such cases, an ISFJ may show some or all of the following weaknesses in varying degrees:

May find difficulty expressing their feelings without fear or anger.
May be unable to correctly judge what really is for the best
May wrongly suspect others of having hidden motives or agendas
May be unable to shrug off feelings impending disaster
May be unable to acknowledge or hear anything that goes against their certainty about the “correct” or “right” way to do things
May have a tendency to blame particular persons for disturbing or upsetting “their world” by simply being who they are
May come across to others as cold and insensitive to anything but another’s ability to fit in with and support their own judgements
May be unnecessarily harsh or strict about appropriate social behaviour
May be oblivious to what others think about them
May come across as rigid, inflexible or even cold and uncaring to others, without being aware of it
May be unable to understand verbal logic, and quickly cut off other’s explanations
May value their own certainties about the world and its problems far above others
May be quite falsely certain of their influence upon, and understanding of others
May be extremely vulnerable to tricks, con men, false hopes, religious cults and conspiracy theories
May react with anger or distress when someone expresses disagreement with their view of the world, or disapproval of their judgements
May favour their judgements to the degree that they are unable to notice the pain or difficulty such judgements might cause others
Under great stress, are likely to make outrageously harsh and uncaringly selfish survival oriented decisions
Explanation of Problems

Nearly all of the problematic characteristics described above can be attributed in various degrees to the ISFJs internally mapped and abstract view of the world not being successfully coupled to an appropriate level of Extroverted feeling. Without this rational external balance, the ISFJs opposing unconscious functions can wreak havoc upon the order and sense of the ISFJs perceptions and ideas. ISFJs are usually stable, certain, reliable and deft in their approach to life. But if unbalanced, they are likely to treat any point of view other than their own with a kind of cold dismay, and if pressed hard will tend to shut out the existence of problems caused by others differing attitudes and opinions. If the ISFJ does not learn how to deal with the wide range of differing world views they come into contact with, they can find themselves closed into a lonely little corner of the world in which only their own feelings of safety and certainty are maintained. This is a natural survival technique for the extreme ISFJ personality.

The main driver to the ISFJ personality is Introverted Sensing, whose function is to define the properties of and locate and recognise the sometimes abstract and innate qualities of and between the objects of the outer world. If an ISFJs picture of the world is threatened by external influences, the ISFJ generally tries to shut such new information out of their lives. This is totally natural, and works well to protect the individual psyche from getting hurt. However, the ISFJ who exercises this type of self-protection regularly will become closed within a small and ever decreasing circle of those family and friends who do not actively disturb their increasingly narrow and rigid world view. They will always find justification for their own inappropriate behaviours, and will always find fault with the outside world for problems that they have in their lives. It will be difficult for them to maintain close personal relationships because they will have a negatively polarised and therefore limited ability to communicate outside of the box of their own security needs.

It is not an uncommon tendency for the ISFJ to support their ideas and values by using only the value judgements they make about the world and other peoples behaviour. However, if this tendency is given free reign, the resulting ISFJ personality is too self-centred to be happy or successful. Since the ISFJ's dominant function is Introverted Sensing, they must balance this with an auxiliary Extraverted Feeling function. If the ISFJ uses Extraverted Feeling only to serve the purposes of Introverted Sensing, then the ISFJ is not using Extraversion effectively at all. As a result, the ISFJ does not sufficiently recognise and sympathise with the way feelings effect the behaviour of others in the world to have a good sense of why things happen as they do. They see nothing but their own perspective, and deal with the world only so far as they need to in order to support their perspective. These individuals usually come across as somewhat judgemental and full of fixed and often rather ambiguously polarised ideas about the world. Other people are often surprised by the vehemence of their ideas and are usually unable to understand how they came by them.

Solutions

To grow as an individual, the ISFJ needs to focus on opening their perspective to include a more accurate picture of the feelings and value judgements of others. In order to be in a position in which the ISFJ is able to perceive and consider data that is foreign to their internal value system, the ISFJ needs to recognise that their world view is not threatened by the new information. The ISFJ must consciously tell himself/herself that emotional affects in others are not unrelated to reality; that the feelings of others are also just and valid within a wider and less rigorous vision of the world.

The ISFJ who is concerned with personal growth will pay close attention to their motivation for deciding what is good and bad, right and wrong. Do they try to find the feeling values of others in a situation? Or, do they value only those feelings which support a personal idea or cause? At the moment when something is felt, is the ISFJ only concerned with whether that feeling supports something they recognise as correct? Or is she/he concerned with becoming truly empathetic? To achieve a better understanding of others and the world in which they live, the ISFJ should try to put themselves into the minds of others, to locate and recognise how they have come to feel the way they do, before making judgements. They should consciously be aware of their tendency to discard anything that doesn't agree with their carefully ordered concepts, and work towards lessening this tendency. They should try to feel the way others would feel in situations, without making personal judgments about the actual situations. In general, they should work on exercising their Feeling in a truly extraverted sense. In other words, they should use Feeling to locate the their true connections to and relationship with others for the sake of gaining a wider perspective, rather than only allowing such feeling values to support their own conclusions. The ISFJ who successfully feels things objectively may be quite a powerful force for positive change.

Living Happily in our World as an ISFJ

Some ISFJs have difficulty fitting into our society. Their problems are often a result of an inability to flow with what is, a too negative or correcting attitude which dismays others, or unrealistic ideals and ideas about the world. These issues mostly stem from using Extraverted Feeling in a diminished manner: the lack of a strong externally focused value system allowing an often ambiguous and yet strongly defended world view which has little relation to concrete reality to control the personality. An ISFJ who attempts to feel and value the feelings of others for the sake of understanding the world around them, rather than quickly deciding how they and they alone feel, will have a clearer, more objective understanding of how society is dependant not only upon structure and correct behaviour, but also how human values make it just what it is and not something else perhaps more desirable. He or she will also be more comfortable and less likely to demand that the world and the behaviour of others conform to some abstract code of being. Such well-adjusted ISFJs will fit happily into our society. Unless you really understand Psychological Type and the nuances of the various personality functions, it's a difficult task to suddenly start to use Feeling in an unambiguous and totally extraverted direction. It's difficult to even understand what that means, much less to incorporate that directive into your life. With that in mind, I am providing some specific suggestions that may help you to begin exercising your Extraverted Feeling more fully:

Take care to try and discover why others feel the way they do. Try to notice the connections between their feelings and the way they see the world. Don’t immediately compare your own value judgements about the world to theirs; simply accept that for them this is a real and perfectly valid way of responding.
Think of those times and situations in your life when you felt misunderstood or disregarded by others. Now try to understand how one or two other people would see the situation. Don't try to assume they would judge as you do: "she would have to feel the same way if that happened to her", or "he would change his tune if he saw things from my point of view". Rather, try to understand how they would truly see the situation. Would it be seen as a problem, or as an opportunity? Would it be taken seriously or lightly? Try to determine their point of view without passing judgment or comparing it to your own.
When having a conversation with a friend or relative, dedicate at least half of your time to finding out how the other person feels about what they are describing. Concentrate on really sensing their emotional state. Tell them how you feel and compare. Ask questions about why they feel as they do.
Think of the people who are closest to you. As you think of each person, tell yourself "this person has their own life going on, and they are more concerned with their own life than they are with mine." Remember that this doesn't mean that they don't care about you. It's the natural order of things. Try to visualize what that person is feeling right now. What emotions are they enacting, what thoughts are they having? Don't pass judgment, or compare their situation to your own.
Try to identify the personality type of everyone that you come into contact with for any length of time.
Ten Rules to Live By to Achieve ISFJ Success

1. Feed Your Strengths! Let your talent for recognising harmony and balance spill out into the world around you, show your gifts to the world. Allow yourself to take opportunities to design, reorganise and rebalance things to make your home and work environments better for yourself and others. Find work or a hobby which allows you to realise these strengths.

2. Face Your Weaknesses! Realize and accept that some things are never going to be how you would like them to be. Understand that other peoples feelings are sometimes more important than whether they are right or wrong. Facing and dealing with discord or differences in others doesn't mean that you have to change who you are; it means that you are giving yourself opportunities to grow. By facing your weaknesses, you honour your true self and that of others.

3. Discover the World of Others. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking you always know what is right for others. Open your heart to the possibility of understanding that their true needs are something that must be discovered through relationship, and recognition that their world might be very different, yet just as valid as your own.

4. Don’t be too hasty. Try to let things settle before you make a judgement, allowing others to discover the best for themselves while you feel your way into their way of seeing things.

5. Look Carefully at the World. Remember, things are not always what they seem on the surface. You might need to look deeper to discover the truth, particularly when it seems you are sure of your first quick judgement. There are layers of meaning and truth beneath everything.

6. Try to Let Others Take Some of the Load. By letting others help, you are not letting things get out of control, but are validating their own need to be a part of your life. Remember, it is better to guide another to see your point of view than keeping them out of the picture.

7. Be Accountable to Others. Remember that they need to understand you and your needs too. Express your feelings and reasons and let them become partners to your goals.

8. Don’t Hem Yourself in. Staying in your comfort zone is self defeating in the end. Try to make every day one where you get out and discover a little something different about the world and others. This will broaden your horizons and bring new ideas and opportunities into focus.

9. Assume the Best and Seek for it. Don't wait for others to live up to your expectations. Every person has a goldmine of worth in them, just as every situation can be turned to some good. If you let yourself believe this, you will find yourself discovering ways to make it true for you.

10. When in Doubt, Ask For Help! Don't let your sense of self sufficiency leave you on the horns of a dilemma or lead you into disaster. If you are uncertain of something or someone then get input from others you trust.
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Punctuality

Punctuality is a virtue. I thought about this in the toilet at church today during worship practice as I thought of Kenny always being punctual and on time. 

Then I thought: wait a minute! Punctuality is not a virtue! It is a basic requirement of everyone to be punctual., isn't it? One of my leaders in church shared this before; that when we are late for our appointments, we are telling the person we are meeting that our time is more important than ours, that we are, crudely speaking, disrespecting them.

In the last few years, I am more aware of this when my P reinforced that during meetings. Teachers are fond of strolling in a minute or 2 for one reason or another. She would also tell us the same thing, that it's a form of respect to the one chairing the meeting when we are there 5 minutes before the meeting starts.

Same goes for punctuality when attending service. We don't want to be late when we are meeting God, right? 
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Buzz buzzed buzzing like a bumblebee

And I look like one too; black and yellow shoes, black bag, yellow watch...

It has been crazy busy 2 days. Not by choice though. Exams were later this year yet the primary 4 teachers had to issue the report books by today. It has been meeting after meetings in between free periods, after work.. Administrative matters are aplenty. I think things have kinda settled by now. All I need to do today is to speak with 3 parents and do the budgeting for netball CCA. Phew! What a day. Need to induce some endorphines for now. Laterz.

Oh. Got dealt the news that I am teaching the last P6 standard stream class next year. Graduating class, full class of 40, only 10 months with them before PSLE, with 33 of them failing English (marks ranging from 20s to 40s out of a possible 100). Their math teacher, a very experienced and effective teacher, only taking half the class - the other half taking foundation math) shared with me that even he found them playful, noisy and difficult to teach (and he's only taking half of them). He also shared that at least 30 out of 40 of them have some problems. They either have learning disabilities, behavioural problems or family problems. You get the idea? The management team did not tell me their expectations of me, but from experience, I am supposed to help all of them clear their English. Phew! Need to meditate now. By God's grace and supernatural strength and power, I can do it! (just a matter of what state I will be at the end of next year) *breathes deeply*
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...

when you delete someone from your facebook list of friends without giving any reason, things are never the same again.
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To a certain someone

to be able to laugh at yourself, have people laugh at you and not get offended by that, requires a great deal of humility. I admire you for that because I know you accept all of that graciously, not because you are a doormat, but because you are strong and secure enough to do so.
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Also from the same chapter...

reminds me that our actions lead to consequences. 

People sometimes blame God for the bad things that happen, and I guess sometimes rightly so since God is the only one who can control those situations (natural disasters, deaths, etc). But chapt 5 of proverbs reminds me that God is the one who gives guidance, God's word, the bible, gives instructions. If we do not follow what our creator says, who should be answerable when bad things happen? I am not saying that bad things won't happen when we follow everything God says. Who can control the thoughts and actions of someone who murders another? Who can control what people eat and put into their bodies that gives rise to illnesses? Well, God can, if He wants to. But this wouldn't be a real world if God controls everything others do. 

The perfect world only exists in heaven, where there's no pain, no hurt, no negatives. Keep our eyes fixed on that. 
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Retreat Day 1

"Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel..." proverbs 5:7-9.

My reflection from this is not directly linked to this passage but they are thoughts sparked off from this passage. 

For me, it is applicable because I usually give 100% in my relationships and when they don't work out, I feel that a part of me is gone because I had given so much. But for me, i guess they are nice people and both parties did grow and benefit from the relationship (not evil like the one in the bible passage). But truth is, I do feel exhausted and am not sure if I had waited and chosen wisely that the time I could use when I was in the relationship could be used better for God's purposes. So it's a good reminder to really not just settle and make do lest "the best years of our lives are given to something/someone" that has no eternal value.
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Qcafe

Qcafe is closed! Sad. Places like these don't stay for long. I was trying to help in my little way to keep it alive when they first opened by making that a meet up spot as far as possible. Ah well. Waiting for the next one to open up. 
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Devotion

Devotion to me basically means surrendering (trying to) and looking to Jesus (as far as possible). It also means to do or say what I think or feel He tells me to. To me, a major application to being like Jesus is to be committed to loving people in all sense of the word. :)   
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Coming out

I was a bit sad when I bumped into my colleague at the train station. I was thinking: darn! There goes my alone time! We had a good chat though. She's definitely gay from the way she looks. She was indirectly trying to find out if I have a boyfriend. I don't think it's time to share anything too personal with her yet though. Was tempted to share though. I realized it's much easier to come out to people once I have come out to myself and accepted myself for who I am. :)  
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accountability group

has been great. Am deeply encouraged by the two of them sharing their prayers and devotionals. We have been using group chat on whatsapp to update one another on one another's days and nights.. I was led to suggest a prayer and worship session with them but it seems like it will happen next week as our schedules do not work out this week.

Excited about the cell group retreat this weekend. It will be a great time. :) Counting down: 3 days!
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blessed but..

been really blessed. Blessed that I don't have a car. Blessed that I learnt to use the CPF to invest now that the market is relatively low (though it went even lower!!). I thank God for His good timing. If I had known the use of the market when I was more active on it, I would have lost my housing fund.

Blessed to have my colleague and his partner start singing in the choir. Blessed to have them join the gals for lunch at ECP after church (he claims they are girls too). Blessed to know that he was thankful for A and I for praying for his legs so that he can walk now. (the doctor had said he won't be able to walk for life). thankful he saw the miracle of God work through his life.

I am really counting down to owning my own flat. :) It's exciting. :) 16 months more :)

Heart's heavy for a dear friend who's in a bad place right now though. Will keep praying for her.
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