And so..

while I was giving tuition today, the mum was home and preparing to cook. I heard the door open after a while. She went to check who that was. It was the older son. She stood there to listen to what he had to say about some stuff that happened at work, then went back to the kitchen to cook. I heard the door open again. It should be the Dad. SHe continued to work. He placed his bag down, gestured a hi to me, walked past the kitchen and into the room, got changed, came out, walked past the kitchen and sat down on the sofa and read the papers.

I could see the Mum still preparing food at the kitchen and I felt an overwhelming sense of grief for her. She must feel so lonely if this were happening everyday. What happened to the romance, the courtship, the relationship that they might have before all of these? Let's not talk about romance. How about going to the kitchen, giving the wife a peck on the cheek or forehead and thank her for taking care of the kids and for cooking? How about asking how the day was? How about just making eye contact and just looking deep into each others' eyes even if it's just for a minute to connect?

Maybe the kids helps her not to feel that lonely. Maybe that's why people have kids. Maybe that's why God arranged for couples to have kids, to learn how to keep a marriage together though in a warped way. Maybe maybe maybe.

I suddenly felt a sense of despondence at the idea of how relationships may be like in the long run. For me, my best relationship was my first, and I remembered being so in love with her even in the 5th and last year of our relationship. The best thing was, the feeling was mutual and we could both feel it and we both know it. SHe was the only person I could imagine and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Even though it's been nearly 3 months since the last breakup, I still can't imagine being in another relationship and I do not know how long this feeling will last. It is just exhausting thinking about it..

I usually like to think positive but I really do not know how to respond positively to this post. It's one of those days. Ah well..
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THe start of my dating journal

and so 4 persons wrote me on fridae.

One was in an open relationship. Air stewardess with Emirates and in her first email had already asked for my number. (People move fast nowadays). I gave a friendly reply and didn't mention anything about my number. SHe replied and asked for my number again. Aiya. Some people so difficult lah. I think she's just looking for a quickie. LOL. I think I shall stop emailing her. Boring.

Second one was someone I conversed with some months ago when I was still attached. In a few of the emails, we were also talking about church and all. She recently wrote again (she realised I was single) and checked with me. She asked to meet for tea someday. Will email in detail when that happens.

The third had no photo and no information. In her first email to me, she asked to be friends and she asked for my number. I replied with a quick hi and she responded and gave me her number and told me to message her. I am just gonna get to know her better over email for now.

I can't remember the fourth.

Exciting?
hehe.
Quite.
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Songs to God

I was very blessed to be able to play the bass guitar for both preview weekends of FCC's new album Stonewalled. For one, I have to say that the people at FCC are truly talented. I feel that they are the OMG kinda talented?

I was very ministered by the music and a few of the songs. Why not all of the songs? I guess I have always been ministered more by songs exalting, praising and proclaiming God rather than a more introspective and reflective kind of sharing and prayer put into songs.

My random thought process: When we give thanks to God in our songs, when we proclaim His goodness in our lives, when we use the words in the living word to tell of His love for us, when we focus on Him, we are truly worshipping and praising Him regardless of our situations.. I guess I felt that when we thank Him for being there for us, when we thank Him for fulfilling our needs, when we thank Him for his presence with us, it feels like we are thanking Him for what He has given to us, not for who He is. I guess that's fine when people give thanks and worship God irregardless of their situations, but it irritates me when people blames God when bad things happen and they stop believing in God and think He's less than what He used to be.

I need to be less self-righteous and more flexxxxiibbblllleeeeeee I guess. Anywayz, the songs sound nice and they are good songs because they are people's personal love songs to God, but I have moi preferences regarding the songs I like to sing in church, I guess. :)
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Praying

For S.
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A thought

Once in a very long while, you get to meet someone well-adjusted enough to be both outwardly vulnerable and inwardly confident, someone whose beliefs and values mirrors yours, someone who's as open-minded and accepting to differences in the way people are and the way they think, someone who tries to be an optimist regardless of the circumstance, someone whom you can be totally at ease with without worries of being judged or looked down on. You find in these people a heart of love, one who's wise; someone who's discerning, perceptive and intuitive. When they speak, they seem to be voicing out what's in your mind. I think what's most precious is that the mode of worshipping God is similar. Knowing that what is shared is easily understood and resonates with the other is truly precious.

Is that what you call a soulmate?
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extra ministries

While driving, I felt the need to help someone learn to play some basic bass guitar so there will still be a bassist if I am not on duty. I am not good enough to teach but I think some simple bass playing is better than no bass at all. I was running down the list of gals from church (and outside church who are christians)who are slightly musically inclined and have a heart to worship God but no definite person so far. I will pray, wait and see if God sends anyone.
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have not done a random post in a while!

lighten up pal! :)

brought back 2 stacks of marking and one piece of administrative work which I can only work on after service on Sunday for obvious reasons

my bruises might be caused by some ghost in my house, according to my brother

Cookie is getting grouchier by the day, I think she's menopausing

I shared a secret with my friends 2 days ago

my iphone is slightly cracked at the bottom

I finally met my friend's (whom I have not met) girlfriend (whom I met a few times but never spoken) at a netball game yesterday.

Good friends are nice to catch up with.

foot reflexology last night was orgasmic...... truly.

the 5 string bass is a bit too professional for me. I guess I have to practise more to be more professional! :)

I am glad it's Friday and I am clean and showered and sitting in front of the computer.

I am hungry (what's new) and am gonna walk out of the room to search for food right now.

Yippee!

TGIF!!
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Restlessness has costly consequences

Read title.
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PRESENCE

I only want this as much as you do

Don't walk ahead of me
When you turn back
I might have walked away

Don't walk behind me
I might not remember
nor feel you after a while

Walk with me
Constantly, consistently 
Until I am rested in your love
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With open arms and an open heart

I have come to realize that God speaks regardless of the situations we are placed in. When we feel Him far from us, when we find Him silent, it is more often than not that we are not ready to receive from Him. I believe that regardless of one's opinions about other Christians, about the style of worship service, the sermon of certain preachers, we will always be able to get something from God if we are ready to receive from Him.

I think the idea is to have the wisdom and maturity to stay and ask how things could be made better rather than run away thinking some other place is better. More often than not, when we do not rely on God to work on what's in our hearts, our issues with the many things in life will be brought to the other places we go to.
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Think less of myself, more of others

This is not pertaining to the area of generosity. Sometimes, I think I have to give less that way. My emotions get the better of me sometimes and wisdom doesn't always triumph over emotions.

I am talking about humility, something I have been praying for God to work on. I can think too highly of myself sometimes. I got to work a balance between having a positive self-esteem and thinking that I am better than somebody else. It's not detrimental when the only person who gets affected is myself, but when that sort of arrogance comes through the subconscious, what tends to happen is that unknowingly, I think of someone more lowly than they actually are and then I treat them less of the special and unique person that God has created them to be. I feel disgusted with myself when I pick that up sometimes. I think the idea is not to be presumptous. I repent and pray for a continued molding of my character and my heart.
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Dear God,

thank you for your wisdom in saying that some people sow and then some will reap the harvest. I have seen these testimonies multiple times these 2 years and my heart is joyful and glad. THank you for working in your own amazing ways.

Dear God, it was a very strong message put across during sermon today. You see, I have never wanted to have the tithe given to you via giro. THere's a certain level of feeling torn as I set aside money to put into the offering bag monthly and I don't think feeling torn about giving is a bad thing. I think it's much better to keep working on giving beyond my comfort zone till it hurts rather than just going through the motion of giving. Hence, I have never really thought about tithing via Giro. However, I feel led to do so now because it will free up my mental capacity for other matters without having to remember to withdraw the cash to bring it to church and place the money into the offering bag. So I am going to do that from next month.

Thank you also for the reminder that what you desire for all of us is not just to tithe our monies (actually yours) to you. but also our time. Are we also giving you 10% of our time? 2.4 hours a day doing your work, spending time with you? I know I am not. Thank you for reminder that I should spend more time contemplating about your goodness.

Today's a good day. I heard a good news, I got to catch up with old friends and I even met up with a dear friend and another 2 friends. I got to do some shopping after a good lunch and dessert too. ANd Lord, thank you for the performance bonus. It was 0.5 months more than I had expected given the amount (or not) of work I did last year.

thank you for a magical service too. It was awesome. Thank you for the talents, gifts, ablities and experiences you have given to the people at FCC. THey are simply awesome. You are an amaaaaaazing God. Hugs.
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Dear God,

thank you for this wonderful week, where I get to spend time with people close to my heart, where I get to fix difficult spots and issues. Thank you for the time of rest, thank you for the time and opportunities to exercise. Thank you for your presence in leading, in guiding. Keep my heart pure, that I am able to give of my heart freely to those you would love.

I am happy, I am contented, I am thankful.
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Dear God,

Today, I like to thank you for every good thing you have given to me. I like to thank you for the experiences that you allow me to go through so that I can grow to be a person of a better character.

Thank you for showing me just how small my problems are in light of the global crisis right now. Teach me to always be content with what I have, to adopt a spirit of humility and servant heart to be used in the right situations. I pray for your hand of divine intervention upon the situation in Japan right now. I pray that you will make all things right, all things good as soon as possible.

God, still my restless heart. Calm my anxious thoughts. Help me to fix my eyes on you so that I will be able to give more of myself to others. Amen.
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certain burdens are not for us to bear

A very dear friend shared her heart about being distressed with what's happening in Japan. I am drawn to people with a heart of gold. She is truly precious. I say, give all those worries and cares to God. He is big enough to handle this burden. The burden is not for us to bear, our burden is given just enough to prompt us to pray and do the things that we are to do.
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I feel that...

what's happening in Japan is causing me to realise that the things that many Singaporeans worry about are really trivial. We worry about not having enough money to retire, not getting the flat in the location we want, we fret about not getting a partner, we complain that we are too fat, too ugly, too single, too busy, we complain that life is tough, people are crappy, collegues are backstabbers, bosses are inefficient, we complain about our boring life, our boring friends, our boring activites, we argue over things like who should get more, who shouldn't be given more, who should get less, who should get lost. We worry about what to wear, what not to wear, what diet to adopt, how much weight we have gained, how bad our skin is, our wrinkled we are, we talk about who should be included, who should be excluded, we get caught up in gossips like who is with who and who is not with who.

Lord, open our eyes to see how fortunate we are living in Singapore and help us to be content with what we have and use what we have, our energy, our resources, our prayers to help those who really are in dire straits.
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Dear God,

Help me to be content with what I have. Help me see things from your perspective, help me view things in light of eternity. Grant me the wisdom to know what's truly important and what's trivial. Give me the discernment to tell the difference.
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Dear God,

you have been so good to me. You have sent lovely people into my life to make my life more enriching. You have empowered me to do things that I think impossible. you have shown your love at times when I needed it most. You have extended your grace in situations where I have failed. You have been consistently here for me even when I feel far from you. I can only contemplate in awe, your goodness to me. You are amazing. Help me to extend this overpowering love to others in the form of care, love, compassion and emphathy as much as possible. I pray all these in your most precious name, Amen.
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Reflections over the weekend

I had the privilege of leading the plushies in a bible study for the first 2 chapters of the book of Ecclesiastes. Studying this book has been a blessing to me. I remembered reading through the entire book at least twice before, once even with the help of a commentary. However, it was really when I had to know whAt I was studying that I appreciated the wisdom of this book. My ex cgl was right though. These books by Solomon are about wisdom but essentially about Jesus. It's a simple but profound revelation to me to learn that Solomon's views do not reflect God's views. But everything written in the bible is for a purpose. Reading a text out of context becomes a pretext. This book becomes so much easier to accept when I read it in that light.

I was very thankful for the plane ride to and fro when I had the time to run through the entire 12 chapters in depth. Solomon is indeed very wise in his reflections. I was bemoaning the fact that I had failed in handling the happenings of the previous week as God spoke to me about the importance of having a bigger perspective than the here and now. It was how Solomon failed as he focused only on things that happened only under the sun and when he looked only at his life in his younger years. Though his wisdom remained with Him, he spent a considerable portion of his life wasting his time and resources. I think that is precisely why God included this book in the bible; to ensure we learn from Solomon's life. What a blessing this learning has been. What's better was that Sunday's sermon seems to be a summary to the first 2 chapters. It is very appropriate that this book was chosen as a material for CG. A good progression from Driven by Eternity and The Purpose Driven Life. Praying that God will minister to everyone in the CG and help them grow closer to Him.
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the 3 things that have eternal value

1) God
2) the Word of God
3) the souls of men
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End of term 1

2 more days to the end of Term 1.

It has been a great term. Productive and fulfilling. I only took one day of medical leave this term and am so proud of myself. I was thinking back about the medical leave I had taken and realised they are mostly after arguments with partners. only people close to me has the ability to make me upset enough to fall sick. Thankful for God's protection and the company of friends.

I told another friend about my upcoming dating blog. She asked sex or no sex. 0_0. Old friends ask direct questions like that. I appreciate that. Anyway, I do have a real date date next week. She's a friend and I think she just wants to chill but she says it's a date (she didn't know that I am starting to date). She said she had no dates at all last year and this year. I asked her for her definition of a date. She said "bed a woman kind of date". I didn't quite know how to react but thankfully, she quickly said that she was joking and that we are just friends. I am kinda looking forward. She's funny and authentic. It's a warm up date for me. Have not really dated casually since a few years ago. She asked at the right time. Will see how it goes.
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Island Evangelical Christian Church

And so, I didn't check the service time for BMCF and their service starts at the time when I had to check in at the airport. It's sad because I had wanted to visit. Next time!

Asked P which other church to go to and he suggested this. I am always excited about being able to worship God as a corporate body and I didn't want to be late so I went to recee the area on Saturday. It is a small church about twice the size of FCC. The worship team consists of a female worship leader, an accompanying female singer, an acoustic guitar player, a keyboardist and a drummer. Worship was ministering though I was worshipping there for the first time. Simple is good.

The sermon topic was about cross-cultural relationships. Now, why would I need to hear about that, I thought. They sang only 2 songs at the beginning of the service. I was glad to not leave immediately after the sermon though I was going to be late in checking out. They led us in another 3 songs. Awesome time of worshipping God. I was glad to be there!
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my heart is heavy tonight

but I have heaps to do. So I shall tend to the heavy heart along the way. God will tend to the heavy heart.

First, there's files and books checking this Friday
Then, I am facilitating bible study for CG this Friday
Then I have to practise like mad for this Sat/Sun

Can't wait to get the songs. I am sure they will be ministering.

Looking forward to jam with a good ol friend.
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I am a dog lover seeking a dog lover

I was catching up with a friend today. He's suffering from depression. He said he finds that he has no friends, and that some friend is in his life because he spends money on them.. Mmmm, I was sad to hear that.

I was actually thinking about the amount of giving and how it affects relationships. When I am in a relationship, I give 100% emotionally. When that happens, I tend to give a lot to my partner. One of my ex-partners actually told me that I shouldn't be so "easy", that I should hold back a little so I will be more precious. I actually shared this with my best friend at work and she said that's what the Korean dramas taught her too! *rolls eyes*. In that Korean drama, this guy popular with many ladies told this other lady (who prefers to give and not receive) that guys like to need to pursue. If a lady gives so easily, then there won't be the challenge to need to pursue anymore. Personally,I think this thinking is kinda warped.

But it's sad, because I do realise that giving too much cause people to take you for granted. When things come too easily, they tend not to be significant. Sometimes, I do think this way because of what my ex-partner said to me: if I had not given so much and loved so much, would people still be attracted to me? If I were passive, will they still be interested in me? I don't think I ever want to need to find out this way.

I like to be loved with the intensity of how a dog loves its owner. I prefer a dog lover anytime.
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about fragility and resilience

people who won't know me well prolly won't know that I am actually very fragile inside. Because I feel so much and am so sensitive to things that happen around me, I hurt much easily than many others. But some people who don't know me well also don't know that I am pretty resilient. I bounce back very quickly after intially getting upset and heartbroken. Optimism helps.

And know what? All praise to God. I am able to be who I am because He loves me enough to make me open myself to be vulnerable and be hurt. And I continue to open myself up, sometimes continually having my heart broken (not just by lovers) until wisdom says it's better to walk away. My optimism and resilience comes from God too. I am very assured of the fact that He is sovereign, He is in control and He loves me. So when bad things happen, I choose to look to Him, the author and perfector of my faith and am certain that tomorrow will be a better day.

He is a good God.
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About relationships

Part of what I enjoy in a relationship is the romance. I am an idealist when it comes to relationships. I still believe that there is someone who will make my heart skip a beat when i think about her, someone i want to spend every waking moment with without neglecting other important things or people in life; someone who makes my heart ache even when we are happy together. I believe there is a honeymoon stage and if the honeymoon stage ends, the relationship will only get stronger. I believe in gifts, flowers and lots of time, attention and attentiveness, especially so but not just at the beginning of the relationship. I believe in meeting each other's needs to the point of sacrifice because of the intensity of feelings  for each other, yet not letting each other take first place before God. And I believe the next relationship I will be in will be the last one, because I am going to take my time, until I am very sure that I want to spend my life with that special someone. 
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The difference between cats and dogs

thought about the cat lovers versus dog lovers as well. I used to think that some people like cats because their personality is like that of a cat; not overly affecionate, slightly detached and independent; of the dog, warm and affectionate to the point of being slobberish...

My friend shared that cats are more for her because she likes them to be able to take care of herself so she doesn't need to spend too much time and effort on them. Perhaps that's why cat people like cats, not because they have similar traits to that of the cat, but just because they like their cats/ partners to be of lower maintenance. Interesting revelation..
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Long lost friend

It was an interesting meet up and catch up session with an old friend. We spoke and realized the last time we met might be 8 yeArs ago!

Her partner and her have been together for 6 years now.. And I was quite surprised that they met each other at a party. According to her, she was single, her partner was single and they just fell in love. The timing was right. Setting was right.. And they didn't have major incompatibility issues.. That made me think a little about how I had always chosen my partners. For one, I went according to how my heart felt. For another, I used more of my mind. I seem to have an idea of who I want but I think often, what I want may not be the best for me, just like what she has shared. The ex-gf she loved the most was not the one she chose to be with. Then now, with someone she met and fell in love with immediately, they have been together the longest time ever, and she's still happy. The issue of relationship still baffles me.. Hopefully I will be wiser in time to come.
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Contemplative

My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him.

Psalm 62:5
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Some technicalities of dating

How would I narrow down choices to go out with so dating is productive and healthy?

During this year, I am basically open to meeting anyone as long as they are not from FCC and if there is a certain kind of connection via email or chats. And they mustn't be butch. Regarding connection, I am not referring to romantic chemistry. It's a sense of whether we are able to keep a conversation going before we even meet.

Why not from FCC? 1) I already know most of the gals and know if we are compatible or not Moreover, we meet and talk almost every week, so there needn't be a deliberate meet up. Some things, you just know. Also I meet up with plushies individually quite regularly. 2) I think it's complicated when a couple attends the same church and things don't work out. I have decided that unless I am very sure about being with someone, I wouldn't attempt being in a relationship.

Why not butch? Hmmmm.. I won't rule that out completely but it's unlikely i would date a butch unless there is somethig special about them. The x factor.

Yep. I am kinda excited actually.
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embarking on a new phase

Starting from the March hols, I shall go on a date once a week. Of course, I am predicting that the run won't end so soon since it takes me a lot to be attracted to someone.

I am not looking for anyone actually. Of course I desire to be in a relationship with someone special, but I know I am not ready at this point in time. I had said that I will be relationship free for a year to focus on God and on improving myself as a person. Taking the time to date/hang out with just one person to get to know them better also helps me to know myself better and makes me more certain about what I desire from my next partner. So one different date per week or two or three. So we will hang out and I shall deliberately converse in a way that will help me find out if that person is suitable or not and why or why not. I shall journal the lessons learnt from every date, specifically in the area of relationship/dating lessons.

See, I have never really dated before. As in, I have never dated in a way that would give me a chance to evaluate fairly if that person is really unsuitable for me. Usually it's out of bias that I decided to go out with that person. Because I am highly intuitive when it comes to people, I could sense almost immediately if someone's suitable for me (without knowing how they look)(and of course, I make mistakes, but sometimes, i just know), and when I sense that they may be interested, I shut them off either before they ask me out, or when they ask me out.

This will be fun and educational. Of course, so that the other party will not get hurt, I will have to make it a one date thingy (unless unless) and make it clear if I am not interested in anything more than just a friend.

I think it might work. Shall try it out.
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Another lesson learnt

The very verse I posted on facebook is what God used to speak to me. I was rather angry yesterday and today, I felt that my words were not edifying and they were not filled with grace. And I had bitterness and anger when I was typing those messages. So I apologised.

Why am I angry? Much as I am trying to only seek God's approval in the things that I do, I can't help but be affected by what others think of me sometimes. So when I hear that some people are speaking not so edifying stuff about me behind my back, I was pissed and because i didn't deal with it persistently, it developed into bitterness and anger. why do people like to talk and speculate about others? Don't They have better thIngs to do? The first message I sent to the two of them was when I was calm, composed and rational so I was at peace with that but with the rest of the messages, I let my emotions get the better of me. Sigh. This is hard. Why must this happen.. The hard lessons that God teaches me is primarily about human relationships. Just when I felt I was a people person.. Sigh.. Humbling.

ANother lesson learnt is to share things only with only selected people. Some people can't keep their mouths shut, some people are not mature enough to handle information well..

There were other stuff that caused me to be upset but I guess it's no use talking about them. I already told that person directly why I was upset. I am surrendering all these feelings to God.
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Dear God, I want...

Someone who's a Christian, someone warm and affectionate, someone who adores me, someone who loves people, someone who's older, someone with a pure heart, someone who's not manipulative, someone who's attentive to my needs, someone who's discerning and wise, someone who's intelligent (and I don't mean just academically) someone with a good heart and someone who's comfortable with her femininity and sexuality, someone whose love languages are preferably quality time and physical touch.

Please. Sigh. It's only been 2 months and I am feeling the longing to love and be loved again.
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Blah

Wow. Someone swam 20 laps and prayed for complete healing for my injured left hand. I feel loved when people are attentive to my needs.

Praying for me is prolly the best thing anyone can do for me.

Low energy today because I was bothered by some stuff since last night. Sigh. But I claim God's promises that all these will come to pass soon.
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