I am really ranting

I just had a meeting with 2 of the CG girls to discuss CG direction, only to get information that 3 more people are moving from PLUSH because of some reason or another.

PLUSH was started one year 3 months ago. I joined PLUSH because of the need of spiritual accountability in a setting where I feel safe to be authentic and open, with the desire to grow spiritually in that setting.

Initially, I was a bit hesitant with how the group was headed because I didn’t feel ministered and I didn’t feel I was growing. I stuck on because of the very clear instruction given by God some time ago in my previous CG that we are in the CG not just to take but to give. Though I was tempted to join other groups where I thought I could grow more, I decided to stick on partly because of the friendship formed in the group, and also to see how I can best encourage those in the CG. Moreover, I know growth comes from own walk with God, and in walking with the Lord, He gives the capacity to minister to others. And I try to do just that.

PLUSH was started with the mentality that it works on a democratic ground, that everyone has the right to make decisions because there is no cell group leader. I always believe that the cell group leader is important because the CGL knows where the CG is headed based on the direction of the church/God. I went with the flow, with the understanding how PLUSH is run, trusting that the facilitators will take care of the direction.

I guess we failed to see then, that without a clear direction on how the CG should go, when new people join the CG, the dynamics of the group will naturally evolve, sometimes to meet the needs of the new people. Whilst in the situation where there is a CGL, with the core members knowing clearly where they are headed, the newcomers would gradually steer towards the same vision, and if their needs are not met, they will find another group.

However, with the way PLUSH is run, what is happening is that the new people come in, the group evolves and the core members leave, citing reasons that they are not growing and that the dynamics are different from before. WTH! And then what? We are supposed to discuss with the new members how to keep the group together? That is so ironic! I feel so sorry for PLUSH. So much for ownership of the group. It is damn frustrating! One person cited the reason that with new people in the group, it is more difficult to share. Does that mean we stop inviting people to the cellgroup? I don’t believe that’s the purpose of the CG, to keep to one another. That is too narrow a vision. Another reason cited is that because people were eating, she is not able to concentrate and so it leads to her not growing, therefore she wants to leave the group. Geez. Grow up!

Another say it's the way the facilitations are done. Then rise up and offer to do the facilitation the way you think it should be done! Arent we supposed to help one another grow? Who knows more than the other in a setting like PLUSH where there is no cell group leader?

I guess I feel a little beaten because I don’t feel called to be the facilitator in the first place. There is no sense of the God given purpose to rise up and I agreed to take on the overall facilitation only because the facilitator had a lot of other things on her plate, and the group would be disbanded without a facilitator. So to be given the responsibility to hold the group together after the original facilitators decided that PLUSH is not for them because they are not growing/are called to other ministries, make me feel lost. It makes me feel like the responsibility is conveniently mine to bear the dynamics of the group. And I guess I am upset and disappointed because I thought of PLUSH as my spiritual family. Not that we won’t see other in church, lunch after church or outings. But.. it’s just different.

God taught me a few lessons from this experience. I guess I was pegging too much of my hope and sense of belonging to the people in the group other than the purposes of God. I guess at the end of it all, the purpose of reaching out to the lost is primarily the call of God’s heart, and while I am upset (yes, I am more than a bit upset with the fluid movement of the group members), I should pick myself up and move on. Sigh. There is greater importance in keeping the group together for those who need a place for Christian fellowship and support, whether it is for one phase in their lives or others, than to be concerned if my needs are met. I guess I learn that God is really the only one who can meet my need to feel that sense of belonging.

Arghhhhhhhhhhh. Like I don’t have enough on my plate for the moment. Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel but I guess I got to handle this in a mature fashion. Feel like screaming.
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