I am feeling slightly overwhelmed and stressed by my studies. I think I am being very hard on myself. I tell myself that it's okay not to be able to understand everything that's presented to me all at once, that there's still quite a bit of time to study before the exam. And that it's an open book exam. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist and I still do not think so. That's 40% of this course.
Regarding my assignment which is another 40% , I think I am too ambitious in my approach. I am stimulated and excited when that happens. but what my tutor was asking was less than that. He wanted something simple. I ought to be more systematic in my approach and do things one step at a time, one thing at a time rather than think that big and stress myself.
I am doing well for my other 20% which is made up off 4 x 5% quiz at the end of every lesson. I should be fine.
I need to really concentrate on my studies now that I don't have to go to work anymore. I need to try not to log onto sgcarmart too often. It's hard to resist not getting a car and focus on saving for my flat instead. I can't say I don't need a car. Having a car saves me heaps of time. Maybe I really don't need a car. The truth is, I like cars that are different. I like everything that is different. But the price is too costly to pay for the unique most of the time. So I quote ridiculous prices for the cars I like and pray that if it's meant to be, the owners will agree to that price, but it has not happened yet.
Someone asked me to set a price I would pay since there are so many choices and I am ever so random. I told her that beauty and cuteness is priceless. It's a matter of whether I am willing to or not.
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Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Post-Menstrual Syndrome
I have been experiencing PMSsing feelings. Not the negative sort, but I was rather emotional though my period had just ended. Maybe I am experiencing sympathetic PMS.
My heart breaks for this couple who had broken up. It's painful. And I can feel it. I seldom feel emotional for myself, and less so for others.
My mum told me my god-grandaunt fell in the toilet and had a blood clot in her head. She said the doctor said she's too old to go through the operation. I am not close to her though I vaguely remembered that she insisted on giving us ang pows when we were very young though she was not married. When we were that young, 10 dollars per ang pow is a great amount. I don't remember her being very rich. I felt emotional thinking about her in hospital. I thought a lot about why my mum had told me the news. She didn't seem like she wanted to visit together with me. She said she has visited and usually goes in the afternoon (which means we can't go together since I am working). I told her to pass me the details of her ward etc but she had not passed them to me. I thought, maybe the reason why she told me was not because she wanted me to visit. Maybe she was hoping that I would /could pray for a miracle? I felt sad that my god-grandaunt had to die eventually. I don't wish to go and cry especially when I know I am not so strong emotionally right now.
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My heart breaks for this couple who had broken up. It's painful. And I can feel it. I seldom feel emotional for myself, and less so for others.
My mum told me my god-grandaunt fell in the toilet and had a blood clot in her head. She said the doctor said she's too old to go through the operation. I am not close to her though I vaguely remembered that she insisted on giving us ang pows when we were very young though she was not married. When we were that young, 10 dollars per ang pow is a great amount. I don't remember her being very rich. I felt emotional thinking about her in hospital. I thought a lot about why my mum had told me the news. She didn't seem like she wanted to visit together with me. She said she has visited and usually goes in the afternoon (which means we can't go together since I am working). I told her to pass me the details of her ward etc but she had not passed them to me. I thought, maybe the reason why she told me was not because she wanted me to visit. Maybe she was hoping that I would /could pray for a miracle? I felt sad that my god-grandaunt had to die eventually. I don't wish to go and cry especially when I know I am not so strong emotionally right now.
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Monday, November 28, 2011
The Ex
The ex and I finally spoke beyond the hi and bye. Kudos to her for taking the initiative to sit with another friend and I. It felt fine though I was aware that I was trying not to have too serious conversation. Maybe I equate serious and quiet to melancholic and emotional. Sigh. I have no idea why I am running away from that when it comes to her. Maybe it's phobia.
Anyhooz, it was good that I was having a conversation before she sat down so I could continue to speak with that friend (general topic so she could actually participate if she wanted to). I was thankful that session was over in about 5 minutes.
As I was reflecting about yesterday, I thought about the song she had posted on fb some time ago (the one I am currently listening to now). To be able to indulge in the love of the father through submission to Him through that song requires a great amount of change within her. To feel that she's changed in that way kinda softens my heart towards her. However, based on experience, it is better to keep a distance before some form of drama comes up in the typical break up get back together kinda drama. I am awfully adament that we are not right for each other but I don't think I am capable nor emotionally strong enough to restore the friendship to that level we had before we got attached. I wonder how others are able to remain friends with their exes. Baffles me still.
Anyhooz. A new start of a week, a new set of blessings and mercies from the Lord. Ganbette!
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Anyhooz, it was good that I was having a conversation before she sat down so I could continue to speak with that friend (general topic so she could actually participate if she wanted to). I was thankful that session was over in about 5 minutes.
As I was reflecting about yesterday, I thought about the song she had posted on fb some time ago (the one I am currently listening to now). To be able to indulge in the love of the father through submission to Him through that song requires a great amount of change within her. To feel that she's changed in that way kinda softens my heart towards her. However, based on experience, it is better to keep a distance before some form of drama comes up in the typical break up get back together kinda drama. I am awfully adament that we are not right for each other but I don't think I am capable nor emotionally strong enough to restore the friendship to that level we had before we got attached. I wonder how others are able to remain friends with their exes. Baffles me still.
Anyhooz. A new start of a week, a new set of blessings and mercies from the Lord. Ganbette!
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inhumanly selfless?
Everyone needs attention
Are we only wanting attention
Are we only getting attention
How are we attentive to others
How do we value add to the lives of others
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Are we only wanting attention
Are we only getting attention
How are we attentive to others
How do we value add to the lives of others
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Thursday, November 24, 2011
The Plush Retreat
time alone with the Lord
time spent reading the bible
in depth
time talking and sharing
of the passages read and insights gained
time of shared devotions
time of pair praying
time to learn
time of corporate worship
time of fellowshipping
with like-minded peeps
of meeting with the GSMCC folks
time to bond
through food, drinks, music,
massage, and more sharing
honesty in sharing
of struggles both as an individual or as a couple
thankful for a better than expected retreat
thankful for how God has used all our gifts,
consecrated to Him to make the retreat altogether wonderful
.
time spent reading the bible
in depth
time talking and sharing
of the passages read and insights gained
time of shared devotions
time of pair praying
time to learn
time of corporate worship
time of fellowshipping
with like-minded peeps
of meeting with the GSMCC folks
time to bond
through food, drinks, music,
massage, and more sharing
honesty in sharing
of struggles both as an individual or as a couple
thankful for a better than expected retreat
thankful for how God has used all our gifts,
consecrated to Him to make the retreat altogether wonderful
.
Proverbs 24
"Fret not yourself because of evil doers
And be not envious of the wicked
For the evil man has no future and
the lamp of the wicked will be put out" (like the show (survivor?) heh.
Proverbs 24: 19-20
Vengence belongs to the Lord
All that is needed is to commit all our frustrations and anger to Him
He sees and He will punish our enemies in due time
But remember:
"Do not rejoice when your enemy falls and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles. Lest the Lord sees it and be displeases and turn his anger away from him." vs 17-18
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And be not envious of the wicked
For the evil man has no future and
the lamp of the wicked will be put out" (like the show (survivor?) heh.
Proverbs 24: 19-20
Vengence belongs to the Lord
All that is needed is to commit all our frustrations and anger to Him
He sees and He will punish our enemies in due time
But remember:
"Do not rejoice when your enemy falls and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles. Lest the Lord sees it and be displeases and turn his anger away from him." vs 17-18
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Monday, November 21, 2011
About anger and forgiveness
Anger and forgiveness were the 2 main things we spoke about during follow up last week. I felt that the sharing was authentic and deep and I was really thankful for that. At the end of it all, we still couldn't really define what it means to forgive except to model Jesus' idea of forgiveness. The bible says that God remembers our sins no more when we confess and repent. So our human wisdom helped us come up with this guideline. How do we know whether we have really forgiven? The first question to ask is this: are you willing to forgive this person?
In saying yes to that question, we were also aware that though mentally, we might be willing to forgive, it will take some time for God's grace to work through our hearts. But like what they always say; awareness is the first step to change.
Second question to ask is this: do you still remember how they have offended and hurt you AND feel bitter about it? Remembering unpleasant situations shouldn't give a bitter taste but rather a recognition that God has taught us a precious lesson from every experience.
I am always disturbed when I think about the 2 persons i dont want to have anything to do with. Because i felt they shouldnt be ignored, that i should be a good chistian, talk about things, pray, hug and be good friends again. I don't hate them, I am willing to forgive but thinking about them still gives a bitter taste. I am ready to help if they need help but to ask me to hang out with them is very tough. We don't have to be good friends with everyone right?
Remember the verse: God remembers our sins no more WHEN we confess and repent? That came up in conversation too. I asked one of the follow up mates who still struggles with the first question whether it would be easier to forgive if instead of leaving for good, that her perpetrator explains/admits she was wrong/ask for forgiveness. She said yes. I think that's for me too. I just wish they would admit they said what they did, apologised and then I might not feel the way I still do.
It could happen another way too. Now I am ready to develop a friendship with my second ex. I wrote her an email and mentioned something like that but she didn't respond. Perhaps I just needed to write a longer email to explain why I ran away then and apologise for the pain and distress I had caused her. Whether or not she accepts the apology or feel the need to develop the friendship then is her call. No biggie as long as I have done my part.
That's all for now. Felt like I had written a book on forgiveness.
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In saying yes to that question, we were also aware that though mentally, we might be willing to forgive, it will take some time for God's grace to work through our hearts. But like what they always say; awareness is the first step to change.
Second question to ask is this: do you still remember how they have offended and hurt you AND feel bitter about it? Remembering unpleasant situations shouldn't give a bitter taste but rather a recognition that God has taught us a precious lesson from every experience.
I am always disturbed when I think about the 2 persons i dont want to have anything to do with. Because i felt they shouldnt be ignored, that i should be a good chistian, talk about things, pray, hug and be good friends again. I don't hate them, I am willing to forgive but thinking about them still gives a bitter taste. I am ready to help if they need help but to ask me to hang out with them is very tough. We don't have to be good friends with everyone right?
Remember the verse: God remembers our sins no more WHEN we confess and repent? That came up in conversation too. I asked one of the follow up mates who still struggles with the first question whether it would be easier to forgive if instead of leaving for good, that her perpetrator explains/admits she was wrong/ask for forgiveness. She said yes. I think that's for me too. I just wish they would admit they said what they did, apologised and then I might not feel the way I still do.
It could happen another way too. Now I am ready to develop a friendship with my second ex. I wrote her an email and mentioned something like that but she didn't respond. Perhaps I just needed to write a longer email to explain why I ran away then and apologise for the pain and distress I had caused her. Whether or not she accepts the apology or feel the need to develop the friendship then is her call. No biggie as long as I have done my part.
That's all for now. Felt like I had written a book on forgiveness.
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