thoughts

A friend was asking about my conversation with the Pastor's wife. She is dating someone who had not yet reconcile being gay and christian. She mentioned that her date seemed concerned that she has become more liberal in terms of certain issues.

It was that which brought back the thought I had a few months ago, more so in the recent months where I had to be honest with myself and question my integrity as a christian. I have always wanted to live by that belief that aside from the fact that I want to be together with a woman, I am still very much the same person I am. In fact, I should be better since I am able to be myself! To be true to myself and having to be real and authentic. But it was funny that I didn't feel then that I was getting better in terms of behaviour and my moral values.

On one hand, I grew much more spiritually in these two years after I came out to myself; I was experiencing a breakthrough in my walk with God, prolly facilitated by IDT, by the need to be more reliant on God on how to manage a group of very different people, by the need to be more dependant on God as the one who's really the only one who provides that supernatural wisdom, strength, comfort and support that I very much needed when I was struggling in my relationships then. On the other hand, I started doing things that I did not do before I came out to myself... I remembered twice puking because I was upset and had this warped idea that getting drunk will help me feel better (prolly from watching too much telly) and a few more occasions wanting to drink with the purpose of getting a high..,visiting pubs, the occasional visits to PLAY, the amount and frequency of alcoholic drinks, having a "looser" tongue than before.. and I seem to be knowing more friends who drink to get high, who smokes, who uses vulgarities more frequently than my other "mainstream" friends..

I have come to realise in the past 2 months that it is a phase that I went through and I am glad that that part of that life is phasing out. It was a phase of finding myself, coming to terms with my new self; it's as if there is a new ME and along with that brings a whole new world of options, people and procedures. It's as if I have to go through a process of integrating the new me into the core of myself. It was a period that I was trying to find out what works and what doesn't, that everything new and interesting doesn't mean it's good. And while I do not claim to have all the answers, I am appreciating the learning and growing that this process brings.

How do we remain sane yet relevant with these changes? It's really fixing our eyes on Jesus, the person who He is and what He is about and not compromise what we had not before. Just because a side of us is liberated doesn't make us any different from who we were before. And I guess it's really up to the individual how long they would take to go through that phase. But my advice would be to quickly sort oneself out and get back on track. Life is a process of figuring all these out anyhow, and i believe as long as we have a desire to honour God with our lives, that He will help us sort ourselves out eventually.

I see an image of a robot being upgraded; being dismantled, having old and irrelevant parts taken out, and set up again with new parts and along with that a new set of procedures and instructions on how to operate(just watched transformers with my bro yesterday!) which will take time to get used to. But the make and model of the robot will still be the same, just more efficient!

We do not need to compromise our values, our beliefs and the way in which we live. And most of all, no one is to be blamed for all of these. Maybe bad experiences didn't help the situations like how a bad mix of cocktails would cause a stomach upset. But yeah. quickly get back instead of falling into the spiral of hopelessness and think that it's wrong to be gay.

I guess God made this process that I went through as an opportunity for me to be able to walk ahead of others who might be struggling and hopefully, my sharing of my journey would help others with theirs.
.