Today's reflection

Teamwork in achieving God's purpose so that His power and glory can be seen through us.

"as long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. Moses' arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle." 

Exodus 17:11-12
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Birthday reflection

Feeling loved gives a certain sense of confidence and quiet assurance. Similarly, not feeling loved makes one need to do or say things to prove themselves. 

That's why it is important to know that we are God's beloved loved unconditionally by Him. His love changes lives! At least It has changed mine.
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Whhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

and so.. the constant message that I have been reading from the OT these days is this: The only reason why God's grace, power and might can be seen so evidently is because His people are brought to the very low. Sometimes this has to happen so that people can just see how great, how mighty and how powerful God is.

And our follow up should be?

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Cor 12:9
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To you

You know, I like you so much I do not want to risk what we have right now. What if we don't work out? What if whatever we have right now gets lost? The heart is ready for love but not ready to face the possibility of the non-permanence of things. What we have right now, is just too perfect, too good to be true.
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2012: A year of reconciliation

I shouldn't be blogging at this time because I have more work to do. BUt I feel compelled to.

I decided that 2012 will be a year of reconciliation. With the exes.

Ex no 1: just married. (5 years together)
She was angry with me because the reason why we left each other was because we thought that being together was wrong. After a failed relationship of sorts with a guy from church, I decided that I am definitely attracted to women. So when I got together with my second, the first was very upset with me and we rarely kept in contact after that. I guess she said she felt betrayed.

Now she's happily married with a kid. I should make contact and catch up one on one. (we regularly caught up over group outings so talking about US was a no no).

Ex no 2: Got attached to another gf in the past year (15 months of exclusive dating)

SHe was angry with me because I ran away from her and broke up with her over a text message. THat was the best I could do at that time. Because I knew I still had a lot of feelings for her, and meeting up to do a proper closure would end up with us being together again. It was becoming an unhealthy relationship and I was certain that it would be better if we were not a couple. I was ready to meet up with her after some time. But she didn't want to any more.

Breakthrough: She came back to FCC after she got attached. It was hi and bye for a long time. But I finally said hi during the christmas gathering and asked her one or two questions but I thought she was uncomfortable so I quitted. Last Sunday, while I was packing up my bass, she stood around and we chatted a bit and she even introduced her current gf to be after I asked. So that's good.

The two in between:
I have been very horrible to disregard 2 very special people who had come into my life in between my relationships. I guess I was feeling guilty about not making these encounters last even though it was an understood agreement that we weren't a couple. But they were really special. And I did have feelings for them, not enough to be in love, not enough to want to be a couple, but they are very special and I appreciated time spent with them, and their friendship. But because the encounters didn't end well, the friendship was ruined. Still in contact with one, though the friendship's different now. The other one refused to talk to me. I can understand why.


Ex no. 3:Still single and I think still recovering. ( 22 months of tried couplehood)
She is still upset with me I think because she thought I moved on too quickly. I still felt that there is a potential to be emotional for either of us when we meet up to talk. Still quite raw. So I shall wait till either of us gets attached/are surely and totally healed before trying.

Why do I want to try?

Because I think as exes, we have gone through so much together, and we had great friendships. It would be a pity to give up on all that we have shared just because we didn't work out as a couple. Of course, that's on my side. Wanting to reconcile and work on a friendship. I will just commit all these to the Lord and see how it unfolds.
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achingly beautiful song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVsdGJHVxM4

Made to Love You-Gerald Levert

Cause I was made to love you
My hands to touch you
My arms to hold you
My legs to stand
My time to spend
The new forever
I was made, made to love you
My lips to kiss you
My eyes to see you
My legs to stand
My time to spend with u forever
A life together
I was made, made to love you
Made to love you
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I didn't begin trying only towards the end of the relationship. I tried from the 3rd month we were together. Essentially, I had been trying, giving my best for the last 19 months.

It's quite unbelievable how I still get haunted by the past. Just when I thought I was ready to move on. Lots of rubbish within me to sort through. Hence, it's very stressful to officially be in a relationship. Mostly from the expectations i have of myself. I do not wish to fail again. And how concerned I am about how others will see my next relationship. I wish they know that I really give my best when I was in the relationships. Outsiders see the pain and anguish the exes go through and think I am heartless for being able to move on quickly. If i werent a good partner when I was with them, would they not be willing to let me go?

Didn't I mention before that a break up is not a failure?. On my better days, I make myself think that. On other days, I try to work things out within myself through writing. That's how I cope I guess. Through running away, healing first, and when I am strong enough, dig up stuff to work through. Better than wallowing and drinking and smoking right? Right?

Where did this come from? A recent catch up with an old friend who has been through my previous 2 relationships told me that I have gotten quite a reputation with being able to move on quickly. Sigh.

I am hence declaring over here that this is just who I am. Whoever I will be with in future, IF IF IF things do not work out, I reckon it will be the same. This is hence a disclaimer the readers of this blog can tell my future partner.

I believe in marriage and the right one and happily ever after. But I don't believe in being miserable or needing to try SO hard to the point that I become a worse person because I cannot control my negative emotions persistently even after trying. I do believe in forever if she is the right one. And I really don't think one can tell if another is the right one early in the relationship.

Stopping now. Maybe warfare. Playing for worship tomorrow. I got better things to do than dwell at this time.
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